Page 39 of One More Day
‘That’s nice,’ I hear Clodagh say to our daughter. ‘Now, we need to go soon, Rebecca, so say goodbye to Daddy and let’s get you ready for the beach. Rob is taking the boat out for the evening.’
The boat. Why am I even surprised he has a boat? Rob has everything.
‘But I’m not finished talking,’ Rebecca chimes. ‘I have to tell Daddy about my new earrings and—’
‘They’re very pretty, honey.’
Here we go. The big goodbye is on its way again.
‘It’s time, Rebecca,’ says Clodagh. ‘We want to be there to see the sun set.’
I close my eyes and count away the seconds as my blood pumps through my veins. Four minutes and thirty-five seconds. Is that it? Is she for real? I’ve waited all week for this call and she can barely give me five minutes with my child?
I bite my tongue for Rebecca’s sake. I always bite my tongue for Rebecca’s sake.
‘But I don’t want to hang up yet,’ says Rebecca. ‘I want to see where he’s staying and I want to see Rose and George.’
I hear muffled conversation in the background. I see Rebecca’s eyes dart to and from the camera as her mother fusses some more and I know if I do too it will only make this whole moment worse.
Deep breaths.
‘Run along and have fun,’ I tell my daughter, desperately trying to ignore the knot in my stomach and the words that threaten to trip off my tongue to Clodagh, who always seems to have the upper hand when it comes to my relationshipwith Rebecca. ‘We can catch up again very soon. Tell Mummy to please keep sending me photos.’
‘But—’
‘Rebecca!’
‘I posted all your presents before I left,’ I tell her, hoping to divert her fears, ‘so maybe when they arrive you could ask Mummy to let me know?’
She gasps and her eyes that were just now filled with sadness light up, which makes me happy too, even if our call is cut short.
‘My presents? Thank you, Daddy, you’re the best!’
I don’t feel like the best, sitting here with our dog at my feet without her.
‘I love you, Rebecca,’ I say, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. ‘I love you so much, don’t ever forget that.’
This is too hard. My heart is aching right now in a way I never even thought was possible.
I can’t bear to spend Christmas without my daughter.
‘I love you too, Daddy, to the moon and back and round the world a million times.’
I nod, unable to repeat the words we would say to each other every night when I used to tuck her into bed. How have I gone from seeing my daughter every night of her life, to then twice a week to now only being able to see her on a phone screen thousands of miles away? How did I let this happen?
She hangs up the call and I stare into the dancing flames as Christmas songs jingle in the background and a bunch of old men laugh on high stools at the bar.
Just another eight days and all this festive fuss will be over, I remind myself. Then it’s the countdown until I see my baby girl again.
Christmas will come and Christmas will go, but at least I can go back to the cottage where I can hide away and just pretend it isn’t happening.
When the song ‘Fairytale of New York’ strikes up from the one-man band in the corner, and the few revellers at the bar decide to join in with the iconic sounds of Shane and Kirsty singing, I know it’s time for me to try and get out of here.
There is no fairy-tale ending to my Christmas this year. Clodagh and her new husband with their boat and their sunsets have made mighty sure of that.
Chapter Eleven
Rose
