Page 35 of Every Christmas Eve
Ben dropped his bags, looking right at me almost with disbelief, even though he knew I’d be here.
‘Ben, this is Olivia, who I’ve told you all about,’ said Tilda, extending her arm in Olivia’s direction, but Ben only glanced at her quickly without saying a word.
He didn’t need to say a thing. He could see no one else in the room, not even his sister, who had been so looking forward to welcoming him home as much as I was.
After the toughest months of my life, full of grief and despair for my daddy, I felt a glimmer of happiness at last.
Ben was back home. My favourite person in the whole world was here at last.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ I said when we sat in our usual corner of the local pub that evening after the party had subsided. ‘You’re quiet this year. Is everything OK in France?Or are you planning something with that new girl, Olivia? You can tell me. I can see your mother is trying to play matchmaker.’
He fidgeted with a beer mat, his eyes darting round the room everywhere except in my direction.
‘You can read me like no one else can, Lou,’ he said, laughing at first but then turning serious. ‘But no, I’ve hardly noticed Olivia, despite her insane efforts to throw herself my way. And my mother will see through her eventually, I’ve no doubt about that.’
‘Phew,’ I replied, trying to keep things lighter than it really felt. ‘I was sure she was going to swoop in and snog your face in front of us all earlier.’
Ben put the beer mat down, took a deep breath and finally looked me in the eye.
His voice cracked as he spoke.
‘Lou, this has been such a tough year for you, and I’m so glad I was there to see you through some of it,’ he told me. ‘But now we need to talk. Wouldn’t you agree?’
‘Go on,’ I said, as a lump the size of a small planet formed in my throat.
‘I love you, Lou,’ he said, his eyes so full of pain, his hand holding mine tightly now.
Oh God.
‘And I’m not saying that just because it’s Christmas, or because I’m so sad you lost your dad,’ he continued. ‘I love you and I want you to know how much you matter to me. You matter more than anyone else in the whole world, you know that?’
My tummy swirled and my eyes widened as I sensed a ‘but’ coming. How ironic for me to hear the words I’d been longing to for so long, only for them to be laced with conditions?
‘But I can’t do a long-distance relationship when I’m at uni in a different country,’ he continued, swallowing hard as he spoke, ‘and I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to settle for that either. We deserve more. We both deserve it all when the time is right.’
I did my best to stay calm and cool, but the truth was, I’d been thinking of this too, tossing and turning at night, giving up nights out with my friends in Belfast to stay in waiting for a call or a text from Ben. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t good enough. He was right. We deserved so much more.
‘I understand,’ I whispered, staring at the table.
‘You do?’
‘Ben, I don’t want to half-love you over texts and phone calls either,’ I told him. He reached across and pushed my hair so tenderly off my face. ‘I want you for real. All of you. And that can’t happen now.’
I was agreeing with him, but inside I was screaming at the unfairness of it all.
‘My love for you will never change,’ he told me, kissing my forehead long and slowly. ‘Please always know that, but maybe for now we leave space. Real space. And when we find our way back … which I know we will one day soon, then it’ll be when we’re both ready to make it work for real.’
I looked away. I knew he was right, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear.
‘Say something, Lou,’ he whispered. ‘Say anything.’
I took my time, doing my best to find the right words. I could hear him breathing beside me despite the noise in the busy pub, with revellers toasting Christmas Eve to the sounds of Shane MacGowan and Kirsty MacColl.
‘It’s hard, but yes, I guess it’s where we are for now,’ I replied. My voice was shaking. My hands were shaking too. ‘I love you too, Ben. Just so you know that. I love you too and I always will.’
‘Same,’ he replied.
I put my head on his shoulder, staring at the Christmas tree lights across from us, and sat with his hand in mine for what felt like forever, knowing we had made a very difficult decision but one that was long overdue.
