Page 39 of Every Christmas Eve
‘I should have told you, but my life was very different from yours by then,’ I say. ‘Plus, I’d no idea where in the world you were, or who you were with.’
He shrugs. I have a feeling he doesn’t agree, but to be honest, telling Ben Heaney my life had gone tits up was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. I was instead determined to face up to a future of single-parenting in a city where my only daily conversations had finally moved on from small talk with the postman or the lady in the grocery store. I had been settling in at last, but then the rug was swept from beneath my feet.
‘I put my shoulder to the wheel, knowing I could turn it around with sheer grit and determination,’ I continue. ‘Icarved out a career in interiors, I bought an apartment and learned to love the challenge of it all. It was mostly fun. It was character building, that’s for sure.’
He stares at his pint before he speaks.
I would have run to you if you’d told me.
He doesn’t say so, but I can read his mind.
‘And now, here we are, full circle,’ he says quietly. ‘I’m a widower and single parent, you’re a single lady with your daughter raised and the world at your feet. It’s weird, isn’t it? Very strange.’
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ I laugh, knowing we need a subject change before we’re both crying into our drinks with regret. ‘So anyhow, how’s Uncle Eric? And your mum?’
Despite my efforts to lighten things up, I almost choke when I mention their names.
My first thought when I got back here was to rock up to Ballyheaney House to say hello to Ben’s family, but nerves and pride wouldn’t allow it. Instead, I hoped I’d bump into them organically, maybe in the park or the post office, or maybe they’d come and see me if they heard I was back in town.
No matter how or when I saw them again, I’ve always hoped that we could pick up where we left off without any animosity or hard feelings.
Ben may have broken my heart, but I shattered his too.
‘Uncle Eric is vying for a place onMasterchef, while Mum is craving friendship and company but will never admit it,’ he tells me. ‘They’re both rattling about the big house, determined they’re fine on their own. The finances are a strainagain. It’s a bit like history repeating itself, so Cordelia and I are going to have to make some big decisions very soon.’
‘I totally understand.’
‘It’s tough, isn’t it?’ he replies. ‘I’ve only been here a couple of hours and I’m seeing cracks in more than the paintwork, if you get me. It’s like watching something slowly erode that was once indestructible. I need to be here more, and that’s a fact.’
‘Which brings us to the Christmas Eve party.’
‘Which brings us to the Christmas Eve party,’ he echoes. ‘Ava and I will come back here again for the holidays next weekend when school finishes up. Do you think we’re crazy bringing it back?’
That’s a loaded question, but with Ben I’ve always found it easy to be honest and tell him the truth.
‘I did when I first heard about it, I won’t lie,’ I tell him. ‘Well, not crazy perhaps, but I was shocked. On a deeply personal level I felt every emotion under the sun. I was a bit stunned. It was like ripping open an old wound, but then I felt tinges of jealousy too. I imagined all the preparations I used to be a part of, and I wondered who would do it all this time round.’
He tilts his head to the side.
‘You were the leader in so many ways, even though you might not have realised it,’ he tells me.
My heart fills up with a rush of adrenaline as I remember the thrill of helping to organise something so beautiful.
‘That’s not the only reason I wanted to see you this evening, by the way,’ he says. ‘I need to make that clear. Yes, I’dlove to have you on board for the party, even if I think you agreeing to is a long shot, but I also knew I couldn’t leave here tomorrow without seeing you one more time.’
I nod in agreement. I was desperate to see him again too, even if fear got in the way of any rational thinking on my part.
‘It’s exciting,’ I say, the words tumbling off my tongue before my brain cared to register. ‘I’ve missed the buzz of the party. Those really were the best days.’
‘I agree,’ he says. The walls are softening between us ever so slightly.
‘Even if you did “friend-zone” me the last time we sat here,’ I reply.
Ben almost chokes on his pint laughing.
‘You really are up to speed with the lingo,’ he tells me. ‘And by the way, that was the hardest thing ever at the time. I was so in love with you.’
Well, that shuts me up for at least ten seconds, but soon we are chatting again.
