Page 53 of Every Christmas Eve
She signals to me to have a seat, so I do so on the armchair across from her, already wishing I could do something to ease her pain. She used to love a cup of hot tea with sugar when she was feeling low, but she might not take sugar in her tea any more. She might not even take tea any more. Plus, I’ve never set foot in her new home before now, so I don’t want to be presumptuous by rooting around her kitchen.
‘Yes, of course I’m disappointed, but I’ll be fine,’ she tells her daughter. ‘No, no, you don’t need to make any plans yet for your next visit. You’re a busy girl and this is a big year for you with your studies. Let’s take everything one step at a time. I’ll see you very soon, baby, I promise. We’ll make it happen. We have lots more happy times to look forward to, you’ll see.’
She hangs up and puts her head in her hands, letting her true feelings show.
‘I’m so sorry, Lou.’
‘Can I get you anything?’ I ask her. ‘Tea? Or wine? Water, even?’
She looks up at me, her beautiful eyes smudged with black mascara.
‘No, I’m fine, but thank you. I’ll go and fix up my face and we’ll get going,’ she tells me. ‘If we hang about here for much longer, I’ll be a bigger mess and I won’t be in afit state to go out. I’ve been looking forward to our dinner all day, so I don’t want to sit here and stew or it will make matters worse.’
I stand up at the same time as she does.
‘You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.’
‘I do want to,’ she says, then she breaks down and properly sobs her heart out. I can’t just watch her cry like this, so I sit beside her and I smooth down her hair and hush her like I used to do in the old days.
‘I held on and held on, but deep down I knew it would come to this,’ she says through her tears. ‘I saw it coming as time ticked on, yet I still held on to hope, even with only a few days to go.’
‘That’s totally understandable,’ I say.
‘I mean, how naïve of me to think I’d have her all to myself when I moved here?’ she asks. ‘Gracie can’t split herself in two when it comes to special occasions. I’ve created this horrible, heartbreaking situation where we’re oceans apart at Christmas. I put us in this mess by moving away.’
I put my hand on her cheek and wipe away her tears.
‘Please don’t blame yourself for starting a new chapter,’ I say to her. ‘You’ve made a very big dream come true by coming here, Lou. Gracie wouldn’t want that, and you don’t deserve it either.’
‘It really hurts, Ben.’
‘Yes, and it’s OK to be sad,’ I say to her softly. ‘Distance is hard, but it doesn’t in any way take away the love and emotional connection you have with your girl. This is part of growing up, isn’t it? You give them wings and then theyfly. And you love it but you hate it too. You and Gracie have so much still to look forward to.’
She looks up at me, her lips still trembling as she does her best to pull herself together.
‘I left here at twenty-one for New York, almost the same age as she is now, and I only ever came back home twice for Christmas,’ she reminds me. ‘I never for one second thought of how my mother felt being so far apart, but now I know what she was hiding. I’m hurting, but I only ever want what’s best for Gracie. If she’s happy, then I’m happy too, even if the rejection stings like a bitch.’
I can’t help but laugh just a little.
‘She isn’t rejecting you, Lou, I promise,’ I tell her. ‘She probably tossed a coin or something similar to help her make a very tricky decision. And no matter which way the coin fell, someone was going to be hurt. This time it’s you, next time it will be her dad.’
‘She put both our names in a hat,’ she says.
‘I thought as much,’ I tell her. ‘Now, as pretty as your home is from what I’ve seen so far, I think you’re looking way too good to be kept indoors, so how about you go get sorted and I’ll wait for you in the car?’
‘OK.’
‘Let’s go and have a wonderful evening together, best we can.’
She stands up and blows out a deep breath.
‘I’ll be right there,’ she says, making her way out of the sitting room through a latched door while I go back outside and warm up the car for her.
The restaurant is thronged with couples, family get-togethers and the odd staff party when we get there, all adding to the bustling, festive atmosphere and the perfect place to lift the spirits.
With our later-than-expected arrival, we’ve decided to forgo our pre-drinks and go straight to our table, which is ready and waiting. It’s just as warm and friendly there as I remember, even if the decor has changed to a tasteful brown and gold, made all the cosier with lit-up garlands along the walls and a vintage Santa Claus as a quirky centrepiece by the modern bar.
‘I’m tempted to go all out and have the Christmas dinner,’ Lou says as she scours the options on offer once we’ve ordered drinks and heard the special dishes of this evening. ‘Everything looks so good, I can’t decide.’
