Page 61 of Every Christmas Eve
I bite my lip.
‘He doesn’t owe me an explanation and neither do you,’ I say to her. ‘My only disappointment is that I asked him directly last week if he ever heard from her again and he said no. She tried to make my life hell, Cordelia. And she took such pleasure out of it too.’
Cordelia looks out through the window. I follow her gaze to see a tiny robin help itself to the bird feed I’ve hung from a tree in the field across the way.
‘He doesn’t tell me everything, so I can’t claim to have any big insight into what he saw in her back then,’ she says. ‘Don’t get me wrong. We’re very close as far as siblings go, but Ben can be a closed book when he wants to be. We all can. What he did tell me was that the last Christmas party conversation broke his heart, that he’d never get over you, nor did he want to. He enjoyed the pain, which took me years to understand until I had my own heart broken, and then I knew exactly what he meant. Feeling pain for someone you love is better than feeling nothing at all.’
I feel fresh tears prick my eyes as a hard relate comes to mind. I took myself off to New York in denial of the turmoil Ben was in back home, but just like him I didn’t want to completely ease the pain. Part of me needed it to still feel that connection with him, even if silently and from afar.
Feeling nothing would have been worse.
‘We were so worried about him, Lou,’ she continues, hugging her coffee cup with both hands. ‘Mum and Dad were afraid to take their eyes off him for ages. He wouldn’t tell us why at first, but all over Christmas he said he wasn’t going to go back to Paris, then he launched into the drinks cabinet and spilled his guts out to me when our parents were asleep. He’d lost heart in his degree course, in his friends, in everything, so Olivia was a timely distraction who made her move without knowing what he was going through, or how he feltabout you at the time. I can only imagine that Ben acted on it out of sheer grief, Lou. I know he beat himself up over it for a very long time.’
I pour some fresh coffee into both of our cups, wondering how much more of our broken romance Ben had told his family about.
‘It’s not my place to be angry or to blame Olivia or Ben,’ I reply, doing my best to create some space. ‘There’s been a lot of water under the bridge between us, over twenty whole years to be precise. It was a shock when he told me and it still is, yes, but I’m a big girl. I’ll shake it off eventually. After all, I’d rather we keep moving forward and let bygones be bygones.’
Cordelia reaches across and lightly touches my hand. When she smiles, I see the years have been kind to her with her sparkling eyes and sun-kissed skin. She has lived and loved too, I’m sure, yet I can see in her a longing to put down some roots and get her teeth into something. Perhaps a bit like I felt when I knew I wanted to come back here.
She has changed. I have changed. We’ve all changed so much since we were last together.
‘I was always rooting for you two,’ she says, her face so relaxed and open now. ‘From the very start, when you both came into the millennium party with flushed faces and the joy of delivering the new baby foal, I saw something between you that could never be matched or denied. I was only a kid, but I was cheering you both on from day one.’
I sit back and fold my arms, mirroring her cheeky smile.
‘You knew we had something going on even then?’ I ask her, shaking my head in disbelief. ‘And all this time we thought we were the best-kept secret of Ballyheaney House.’
Cordelia clasps her hands on the table and leans towards me.
‘Even the dogs on the street knew you two were love’s young dream,’ she says with a wink and a smile. ‘Uncle Eric was almost as devastated as Ben was when you left. I think it reminded him of losing his own one true love, though he still won’t tell us who she is or was. What is it with my family and secrets?’
I furrow my brow and tilt my head.
‘He nearly told me her name once, you know,’ I divulge as Cordelia’s eyes widen. ‘He wassoclose to telling me until your father, bless him, totally burst our bubble by coming into the drawing room looking for his reading glasses. That was it, subject closed. I’ll never forget it.’
Cordelia looks wistful at the mention of her father.
‘You’ve no idea how good it is to have you back in our lives,’ she tells me, her voice now soft. ‘Even if you and Ben never get it together, we all love you, Lou. I hope you’ll never forget that. No matter what comes next.’
Her words soothe my bruised and battered heart a little.
‘We’re getting far too serious and heavy for a crisp Sunday in December,’ I say, gently squeezing her hand. ‘Now, how about we take a day off from reminiscing and party planning and instead we go let our hair down somewhere for a few hours?’
I don’t need to ask Cordelia twice, that’s for sure. She isalready on her feet, looking around for where she left her red woollen coat and thick cream scarf.
‘That sounds like a plan,’ she says, dancing on the spot. ‘You and I have so much to catch up on, so let’s go somewhere nice for a big fat Sunday lunch. My treat?’
‘Only if it’s a Ben-and-Olivia-free zone?’
‘You’d better believe it,’ she agrees. ‘Remind me to tell you about the illicit festive romance I had in Edinburgh last year with a fine Scot called Angus. You’re not the only one to have jingle bells ringing at this time of year, you know.’
We slip and slide, arm in arm, across my yard, already in wrinkles from laughing on our way to the car.
‘I want to hear every single spicy detail of your Scottish fling, Cordelia Heaney,’ I tell her. ‘You’ve made me feel so much better already.’
We drive out of town with the radio blaring, leaving my thoughts of Olivia back in the past, where I know they belong.
The only question lingering in my mind is whether I can let go of the fact that Ben lied to me, so that I can focus instead on the wonderful time we’d had at the restaurant last night and what might happen between us next.
