Page 66 of Every Christmas Eve
THEN
Christmas Eve, 21 Years Ago
I closed my eyes, feeling the longing in my veins rush to the surface as it only ever did in his company, but my stomach was sick at the reality of it all.
This was not meant to happen.
‘I tried,’ he said before I even turned around to face him. ‘I did my best to make other plans, to try and sever whatever this is, Lou, but no matter how I tried to convince myself we could leave it and move on in other directions, when I think of Christmas all I can think of is you.’
‘Ben …’
‘And when I think of my future,’ he continued, ‘all I can think of is you.’
I swallowed hard, knowing I was going to have to find more self-control than I’d ever done in my entire lifetime.
Everything had changed. I had to tell him so.
I pictured John, who’d already called me twice that morning to see how I was, even though it was the middle of the night in New York. I hoped that imagining his face and hearing his sweet voice in my head would snap me out of this dreamy world where all my plans could be changed by the right words from Ben Heaney, the one person I believed was truly right for me.
‘You should have told me you were on your way,’ I said, coaching my brain not to give in to emotion as I turned to face him in the rain. ‘I’d have made a place name for you. Or at least made sure there was an extra sausage roll or two.’
I didn’t want to look at his face. I needed to stay in control. This time was so different from the Christmas Eves before, and it was nothing to do with the fact that he wasn’t supposed to be here.
‘Don’t I get a hug at least?’ he asked, his arms outstretched. ‘Lou?’
I didn’t budge. He was still wearing his coat and scarf, having been stopped by the big family row the second he came back to Ballyheaney House.
I shook my head.
‘You don’t look very happy to see me,’ he said, his handsome face crumpling.
‘I’m always happy to see you, Ben.’
‘Well, tell your face that?’ he joked. ‘I know this year we’ve been busy, and we couldn’t see any plans through, but we’rehere now, yeah? We can have a lovely Christmas together like we always do?’
I took a deep breath.
‘Like I said, I’m always glad to see you,’ I said, doing my best not to raise my voice. ‘But Cordelia told me you were in Berlin with some girl.’
‘Ah.’
‘Yes, Ben,’ I told him. ‘Ah!! Not that it’s any of my damn business who you spend your Christmas with.’
He shook his head.
‘I was going to meet a girlfriend, yes, but I couldn’t do it, so I called it off yesterday and booked a flight home instead,’ he told me. He looked over his shoulder before dropping his voice. ‘Lou, you and I had made an agreement to keep our distance until the time was right, but when Astrid invited me—’
‘Astrid?’
‘Yes, she’s the one I’ve been seeing lately, he mumbled. ‘It was getting serious and don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful person inside and out, but I panicked because I knew I wasn’t being honest with her. I also knew I wasn’t being honest with myself.’
I laughed, but it was only coming from a place of nerves. I wasn’t finding what he was telling me in the slightest bit funny.
‘Astrid. A beautiful person with a beautiful name,’ I spat, knowing I was being childish, especially when I’d spent the past few months getting to know John on a much, muchdeeper level. I’d even cried when he left to go home over a week ago, but I’d a very clear explanation for why I was so emotional. ‘Don’t say you ended it with her to come home to me? Don’t you dare say that.’
‘But I did!’ he exclaimed. ‘That’s exactly what I did.’
‘You can’t keep doing that, Ben!’ I tell him, not caring if Cordelia and the hired chef who were now getting stuff from a van, or anyone else for that matter, could hear me. ‘You can’t fall in love with other women, then get cold feet just because it’s Christmas and you know exactly where I’ll be as your safety net! Life isn’t as easy as that. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t work that way!’
