Page 67 of Every Christmas Eve
‘Can we sit in the car? You’re soaked through.’
I agreed, but when he took his coat off and then his scarf, draping it on the back seat, I shut my eyes tightly.
I didn’t want to see the shape of his shoulders, the way his waist tapered in, how the belt hung around his hips or how his jeans fitted like a glove.
‘You’re right, it doesn’t work that way, but we could make it easier if we wanted to,’ he said, sitting far too close to me in the passenger seat. ‘I know we both want to, Lou. We haven’t addressed it before.’
‘You weren’t available.’
‘Lou, neither were you, but can we talk about how we can make it easier?’ he pleaded. ‘I only have one more year to do in Paris after this one, you’ll be finished in Belfast then too and we can make a proper effort to be together at last. I promise I’ll do everything I can to see you at least once a month between now and then.’
How I wished I could have said yes. He was finally saying what I’d always dreamed he would say.
I focused on breathing.
Outside, sleeting snow was landing on the manicured lawns of Ballyheaney House. The clatter from the kitchen and some tasty expletives from the hired-in chef brought me back to our days of laughter and fun there, as well as my overwhelming love for the place. A few feet away, Cordelia was running back inside to the kitchen with the chef. They’d soon be filling the air with savoury, fragrant aromas.
Not long after, the musicians would be doing their soundchecks, which would usually ramp up the excitement and add a beat to all of our steps, and when the first guests arrived the rush and adrenaline would be turned up to eleven.
Everything sounded the same as before, everything looked the same as before, yet everything had changed.
I sat like a statue in the front seat of my car, my hands clenched tight by my side while Ben leaned across and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. I couldn’t hold back any more. My arms folded around his waist and I leaned into him, inhaling every bit of him while knowing it was for the last time. Nothing and no one else could compare. He was my safe place, so comforting and familiar.
So Ben Heaney.
‘I tried to talk to you so many times this year, but you were never there,’ I whispered, allowing the tears to flow.
‘I was trying to stick to our agreement,’ he told me.
‘Your suggestion, not mine,’ I reminded him. ‘I missed you, but then I couldn’t do it to myself any more. I should have been more straight up with my feelings, maybe. I should have asked you straight out if you were ever going to say to me what you’re saying now.’
I sat back, peeling myself from the warmth of his arms. I didn’t want to move away, but I knew I had to.
‘So we’re here now. Better late than never, right?’ he suggested. He cupped my face in his hands, wiping away tears with his thumbs like he’d done so many times before. ‘We’re still so young, with the world at our feet, so why do we always come full circle? Why punish each other when the only place we ever want to be is together? That has to mean something.’
I bit my lip. I shook my head.
‘I’m sorry, but it’s too late,’ I told him. ‘I should have said more. You should have said more, but now it’s too late.’
He jolted. I’d never seen Ben cry before, yet he looked like he was going to break down.
‘No, Lou. How can you say that?’ he asked, his eyes creasing. ‘Lou, it’s me! We can make this work if we both want it badly enough. I know I do. Please tell me you do too? It’s never too late.’
I stared at the lane in front of me, where in only a few hours, a hundred and fifty people would make their way here without a care in the world, but for Ben and me it was the end of an era, the closing of a chapter of a story we thought might go on forever.
I couldn’t answer.
‘If it’s someone else,’ he said, his words catching in his throat. ‘I know you told me about the American guy, John. Is it him?’
I stared out the window as he focused on the footwell of the car.
‘I’m not saying I expect you to change anything if you’re happy, Lou,’ he continued. ‘Are you happy? I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes, but if you’re happy with him – well, some day I’ll learn to be happy for you. Do we walk away, Lou?’
‘What’s changed, Ben? Why now?’
He searched for answers. ‘Because I was meant to go and meet a girl in Germany and I realised I couldn’t do it,’ he told me. ‘It felt wrong. All I wanted to do was get back here to you as quickly as I could, so that’s what I did. My future is with you, not her. Not anyone else. Is it John?’
‘Yes, it’s John,’ I told him as gently and quickly as I could. ‘I can’t be with you because I’m with John.’
