Page 68 of Every Christmas Eve
He went pale. It was like he stopped breathing. His jaw clenched and his hands trembled as he wiped a tear quickly with the back of his hand, nodding as he did so.
‘Is he a nice guy?’ he asked me. ‘Is he good to you, Lou? I only hope he’s good to you and that you’re happy.’
‘He’s good to me,’ I replied as the lump in my throat grew bigger. ‘Ben, it’s not as simple as me choosing him over you.’
‘Well, it sounds like that to me.’
‘No,’ I cried. ‘No, I don’t want us to leave it like this. I don’t want you to think I’m making a flippant choice orthrowing my rattle out of the pram just because we’ve drifted apart! It’s bigger than that. Much bigger!’
He put his hand to his chest like I’d shot him.
‘How?’ he asked. ‘Are you in love with him?’
I almost choked on my reply, because the truth was, I didn’t even know the answer to that question.
‘Ben, I need you to understand that no matter how long it is between our visits or our conversations, nothing about how you make me feel will ever change, even though I wish it would. Even if I don’t see you for ten years or twenty years from now, it will never change how I feel inside, or how much I will always love you.’
His eyes lit up in a last glimmer of hope, so I knew I had to cut to the chase, and fast.
‘I swear, Lou,’ he told me, moving closer to me again. ‘I know we should have said so much more so much sooner, but—’
‘Ben, wait,’ I said, stopping him in his tracks for a final time. ‘I haven’t told you everything.’
I tried to say it. I tried to speak, but my breath kept catching every time I opened my mouth.
‘Are you OK?’
My mouth was dry.
‘I’ll be all right,’ I told him at last, panting out short breaths as the words spilled off my tongue like hot lava. I was far from all right, if truth be told. I’d never been so terrified in my whole life.
‘Well, that’s good.’
The irony hung in the air for what I was about to say.
‘I haven’t even had the guts to tell Mum yet,’ I told him. ‘I’ve no idea what my nana is going to say or what I’m going to do about university. I’m so scared, Ben.’
‘What is it?’ he asked, but I’d a hunch he knew what was coming.
‘I’m pregnant,’ I whispered, my hand finding its way on to my very slightly bulging tummy. ‘I can’t be with you because John and I are having a baby.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Lou
NOW
Two Days to Christmas Eve
‘So, that’s five bouquets, three holly centrepieces and the last of the wreaths all packed into the van for today’s deliveries,’ Mum says, dabbing her forehead with her apron. ‘Then, tomorrow, the Ballyheaney House flowers need to be delivered by noon, ahead of the big day on Wednesday, but aside from all of that I think we’ve everything under control before we close for Christmas. Well done, Lou!’
Nana Molly is chatting to a customer at a table; Declan the delivery guy is milling around, telling anyone who will listen about his mother’s untimely hospital visit; and as the Christmas buzz builds around the village, I only wish I could shake myself into feeling it as much as I should be.
‘You’re amazing, Mum. Well done to you too,’ I say to her. ‘Sorry, I’m not myself at the moment, but everything you and Nana do for me here is very much appreciated.’
‘We already know that, honey,’ she says. ‘Any more word from Gracie?’
I shake my head.
