Page 70 of Every Christmas Eve
‘And when he begged you to stay, did you even contemplate saying yes to him?’ she asks me.
I nod as tears flow down my face.
‘Of course I did, Mum, but I was so torn. I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t so I told him again and again that although I’d always love him I couldn’t do it to John,’ I explain.
‘I can only imagine how difficult that was for both of you,’she says. ‘No matter what way you turned, someone was going to be badly hurt.’
‘I did love John, and we had Gracie, Mum,’ I explain. ‘She was only a few months old and she deserved to be with her mum and dad. John and I had a life planned. Ben had his final year to complete, so how could he give up all that to look after me and someone else’s baby? It would never have worked out.’
‘But it might now,’ she says. ‘Don’t you think so?’
I shake my head.
‘He has Ava to focus on,’ I remind her. ‘His little girl has to come first. There are too many factors, too much potential for another mess, so I’m calling it quits from now on.’
Mum’s face is crestfallen. She looks almost as gutted as I feel inside.
‘Well, if you’ve made up your mind then I’m not even going to try and convince you to go to the party,’ she says. ‘But life has a funny way of coming full circle, Lou. I’ve always told you that if something is meant to be, it will find a way. If the time is right, you and Ben will find your way.’
I swallow hard. We both smile.
‘We’ll see,’ I tell her. ‘Thanks for listening, Mum. And I’m sorry I didn’t confide in you more back then. I knew you were already heartbroken over me and Gracie leaving. You didn’t need to know that I was heartbroken in many other ways too.’
Nana Molly’s shrill splurge of expletives makes us jump to attention after our hushed heart-to-heart.
‘What’s going on in here?’ she says, holding a huge bouquet I don’t recognise as one of our own. ‘Is this a private party or can any of us join?’
I feel a brief rush of excitement when I remember how Master Campbell is planning to ask Nana Molly to go with him to the Ballyheaney House party. I hope she says yes, even if she claims to have some sort of ill will against the whole thing.
‘The strangest thing just happened,’ Nana says, full of drama, just how she likes it. ‘These flowers were delivered for you, Lou. I mean, who would be so cheeky as to deliver flowers to a florist in her own shop? There’s a note too. Open it. The suspense is killing me.’
For me? Surely there must be a mistake.
I take the bouquet from Nana Molly, pausing to smell the deep red roses, so velvety and classic. Whoever ordered these has expensive taste. Nestled among them are creamy-white ranunculus and delicate paperwhites, with sprigs of evergreen scattered through.
‘How about we leave her to it?’ whispers Mum to Nana. ‘I think I hear some customers.’
‘Oh, all righty then,’ Nana grunts, before she reluctantly follows Mum out to the shop floor.
My heart is going ten to the dozen as I open the small envelope that bears my name. It’s addressed to me via Buds and Beans, which gets me all of a fluster. Who would do such a thing? But when I take out the fine, crisp white paper, I recognise the handwriting straight away.
Dear Lou,
This is a gesture to the woman who deserves flowers as much as the hundreds of people she makes happy with her deliveries and poems every day.
You have never once given me ‘the ick’ – I hope you know that. Well, apart from that one time when … I’m joking.
You see, Lou, there are a thousand things I’ve always loved about you – but it’s the little, quirky ones that still sneak up and make me smile the most.
I love how you always talked to plants and flowers like they were old friends, or how you’d hum Sinatra while you were driving, even if it was through a thunderstorm, or how you danced in the kitchen at Ballyheaney with your socks on, sliding into my arms like it was a place just for you. Because it was.
I love how every year you’d make some crazy changes to our party plans, convincing us all it would work. You were always right. And that laugh – God, Lou, how I love to hear you laugh – sharp and sudden when we had a fit of the giggles, like it surprised even you.
These pieces of you and so many more are etched into me. They’ve kept me company all these years.
Now that I’ve found you again, I don’t want just memories.
I want to laugh with you again and again. I want more chaos in the kitchen, your voice in my silence, and your hand in mine for as long as time will give us.
