Page 23 of Every Christmas Eve
I closed my eyes, feeling the joy of my parents urging me on as I played the opening of ‘The Holly and the Ivy’.
You could have heard a pin drop.
I allowed myself to become instantly lost in the soothing sounds as I plucked the strings, feeling at ease instantly. I sometimes believed my harp whispered back to me, and I never failed to find comfort in its company when I felt lonely or afraid. The strings were so familiar under my fingertips, and each pluck felt like a step towards a place of sheer happiness, of Christmas days gone by and of many more to come.
Even before the tune came to its gentle ending, I was greeted to the sounds of raucous applause with requests for more which made my heart skip a beat. I was suddenly awarethat all eyes were on me, but instead of being afraid like I had been, it felt like I was floating. It was a strange mix of adrenaline, pride and humility knowing I’d shared something I loved so much, and that they felt it too.
I looked up to see my parents both wiping their eyes, but it was Ben’s face that stood out from them all. He was nodding, his eyes glistening, while he clapped his hands, unable to disguise our connection. Uncle Eric stood with his chest out like a proud peacock, landing a supportive hand on Ben’s shoulder.
‘Well done,’ he mouthed in my direction.
I finished with a soft, melodic version of ‘Silent Night’, and when the whole room sang along it turned out to be one of the most moving and memorable moments of that year’s party.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, the talent and beauty that is Miss Louise Doherty on harp,’ said Uncle Eric into the microphone when I was done, as a glass of whiskey in his hand threatened to spill over. ‘This year’s party is even more magical because of the touches she’s brought to it. We all love you very much, Lou.’
‘Thanks, Uncle Eric,’ I whispered when he gave me a very tight hug. ‘I hope you’re not in too much trouble with Cordelia for saying that.’
‘Ah, she knows she’s my ultimate number one behind it all,’ he said, giving my shoulder a squeeze. ‘You were fantastic. Well done, Lou.’
I felt tears of joy sting my eyes as I milled through the crowd of well-wishers, all gushing with hands on chests orpats on my back. What seemed like hundreds of faces blurred in front of me. I’d no idea where I was going. To my parents, probably, for reassurance and comfort as overwhelm took over from the adrenaline I felt while playing.
‘You are incredible,’ I heard a deep voice say. I stopped in my tracks and looked up into Ben’s face. Just the sound of his voice took my breath away. ‘That was more wonderful than expected, if that’s even possible.’
‘Thank you,’ I stuttered. ‘Wow, I think it’s going to take me a moment to come back to earth after that. I’ve never performed to such a big crowd before.’
‘Am I allowed to say I’m proud of you?’ he asked tentatively. ‘As your friend.’
‘You are very much allowed, thank you,’ I said with a wry smile to acknowledge his dig in my direction.
We both laughed, but then I was serious again.
‘Ben … the truth is …’ I stammered. ‘I think I’m so afraid of you—’
‘I sincerely hope you aren’t afraid of me,’ he interrupted.
‘I hadn’t finished,’ I replied, wishing I could melt the frown from his strikingly handsome face. ‘What I mean is … Ben, I’m trying to protect my own heart because I’m so afraid of it being broken. We talk and text all the time, we laugh all the time. I know I can tell you anything because I feel like you know me better than anyone else in the whole world.’
‘I think I might do,’ he agreed. ‘So why do I feel like there’s abutcoming after this?’
‘But we rarely see each other, Ben, so how can we everbe anything more than friends? It’s so hard,’ I whisper, ‘and now you’re in Paris to study for four whole years, and you’ve all these new friends and soon there’ll be girlfriends too. I imagine there are already.’
He glanced around the room then took my hand, which was still clammy from playing music to what had felt like the masses.
‘Look at me, Lou,’ he said softly. ‘Just look at me for a moment.’
I did what he asked me to, feeling my knees go weak in a way I’d never believed was possible.
‘You are eighteen, I am nineteen. How about we forget about the bigger picture for a while?’ he suggested. ‘How about we enjoy every second we have today and every day until I have to go back to Paris, and after that we take everything as it comes?’
His brow furrowed at the thought of what I might say in reply, but he had no need to worry. In a very tricky situation, it was all we could do.
‘I think that’s a very good idea,’ I said, smiling.
He touched my chin. ‘Good. So what do you want right here, right now? Not later today, not tomorrow, not in ten years’ time. I mean at this very moment?’
We stood so closely our foreheads were almost meeting, and while I was very aware that we were in a crowded room, I didn’t care.
All I cared about in that moment was him.
