Page 27 of Every Christmas Eve
Ben throws his eyes up to the heavens.
‘Well, that’s very kind of you to say so,’ I tell Ben’s very charming little girl, doing my best to appear calm like thisis an everyday occurrence and not like I’m looking at a life I once thought was mine. ‘Are you looking forward to Christmas in Ballyheaney House?’
She glances up at her dad as if she is gauging his reaction first. Ben gives her a nod of approval.
‘Sometimes it’s not much fun where we are,’ she says, scrunching up her nose. ‘I’m going to bake cookies with my grandma this weekend. Then, when Cordelia gets back from Spain, we’ll do karaoke and I’m going to help organise the big Christmas Eve party.’
Ben’s eyes meet mine again for a fleeting second. We exchange a wry smile which makes me want to stop the clock again.
I’d give a million to know what’s going on in his mind right now. And by the same token, I’d give a million to make sure he can never know what’s going on inside my own head. I’m so far down memory lane, I’m not sure how I’m going to make my way back.
‘How about I wrap these beautiful flowers up?’ Nana Molly says, coming to the rescue. ‘I’ve a little something for you behind the counter, Ava. Did I hear you say you like cookies? And we still need to rustle up those hot chocolates.’
Ava takes the bait and follows Nana over to the coffee dock. Neither Mum nor I thought she’d ever enjoy helping at Buds and Beans at her time of life, but every day she does, I see her enjoy it even more, especially on a day like today when we have customers like Ben and Ava Heaney unexpectedly arrive just before closing time.
‘So …’ I say to Ben, not knowing where I’m going next.
My mind is in a flurry as I wonder if he thinks I’ve changed much, or does he only see me in the very same way he used to, like I do him? I run my fingers through my hair then pat down my green apron. Ben’s head is dipped but his eyes are fixated on mine.
‘So,’ he replies.
A heavy sense of longing for the past lingers in the air. I wonder if we could both turn back time would we do things any differently? But then I wouldn’t have my darling Gracie and he wouldn’t have little Ava.
‘It’s so nice to see you again, Lou,’ he tells me. ‘You look … you look like I’ve always remembered you. Which is very, very fondly.’
It’s like he just read my mind. It’s like some things never change.
A wave of grief both drains and exhausts me at the thought of another goodbye. A chill runs through me, yet I feel suddenly flushed. Is this it? Is the moment I’ve been dreaming of forever over already?
‘Now that I can breathe again,’ I say, hoping to lift the weight of tension that hangs in the air, ‘I can say it’s been nice to see you again too, Ben. I hope you and Ava have the most wonderful Christmas and that all your preparations go smoothly for the big event on Christmas Eve.’
He swallows hard. He looks quickly at Ava, then back at me.
‘Maybe you’ll be there?’ he asks me.
He holds my gaze.
If my heart could possibly break any more, I fear it may have just shattered into a thousand little pieces.
I shake my head.
‘That would be too … that would be way toohard,’ I say, choking on every syllable. ‘I hope you’re doing OK, Ben. I hope you and Ava are doing the best you can. I’m sorry.’
He rolls back his shoulders, clasps his hands together tightly and nods repeatedly like he too is trying to find the words.
‘We are good,’ he replies. ‘We are really good, mostly. Thank you for asking.’
‘I should go.’
He laughs.
We both laugh. Oh, this is like turning back the clock. It’s a blend of cruelty and sheer joy rolled into one.
‘I think you mean I should go?’ he says, tilting his head in the direction of the door. ‘I only ever wished the best for you. I hope you know that.’
I really do want him to go now. I’m not sure I can hold my real tears back for much longer.
‘What do I owe you?’ he asks Nana Molly, then makes his way towards the counter.
