Page 74 of Rules, Roses, and Rivals
“No,” she said firmly. “Are they crazy about you?Yes. Did they date other people even while they were hung up on you? Also a yes.”
That stung. Thatreallystung.
“They aren’t virgins, Frankie. They aren’t innocent in any of this.”
The fury in Jake’s eyes coupled with the hurt flashed through my mind. “Jake’s really mad at me because I had sex with Mathieu.”
“No, he’s not,” Rachel said easily. At my askance look, she gave my shoulders a squeeze. “He’s mad that you didn’t have sex with him. That you looked to someone else.”
“I didn’t?—”
“You did,” she corrected. “There’s nothing wrong with that. He did.”
Grimacing, I stared at the glass then downed the rest of the water. I kind of wished it was alcohol. “Why is it okay for them and not for me?”
“I never said it was okay for them.” Rachel eyed me for a long moment, then she sighed. “Frankie, I think they’re fucking idiots. They’re crazy about you but couldn’t figure out how to tell you. I almost feel sorry for them though because I get how that feels.”
“Rach…”
“Ahh,” she said, letting go of my shoulders to press a finger to my lips. “Don’t go feeling sorry for me. I wasn’t sure if you were into girls or not. You’re not. That’s fine. And you’re really lucky, I’m anexcellentfriend.”
“Even when you’re a pain in the ass.” I could admit that and Rachel’s sudden smile almost made me laugh.
“Thank you.” Like it was a compliment, but she was probably right about that too. Then she sobered. “You can be excused for missing all the signs before now,but…This is the big one, you can’t pretend you don’t know. Being surprised that they don’t want to be extras in your new rom-com, that’s kind of dense.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Nope.” She agreed way too easily. “Life isn’t fair. I’m also not wrong.”
The silence stretched out between us. Thick. Heavy. The weight of it threatened to crush me.
“You love them,” Rachel said in a whisper. “All of them. You love them so much it hurts you.”
I bit my lip.
“That’s not the problem,” she said, pressing onwards.
“Then what is?”
“You don’t love yourself enough to believe you deserve any of them.”
I looked up. Her gaze met mine, steady and unblinking.
“You keep making choices based on how little you think you matter,” she said quietly.
“I didn’t even think they caredthatway.” I’d always known they cared. They were my best friends which was what made all of this hurt so damn much.
“Of course you didn’t. One, you’re kind of oblivious. I adore you, but you really are. And two, at the risk of repeating myself, you don’t think you deserve to feel that way. To feel like someone else believes you matter.”
Those words lingered like a bad scrape, stinging where they ripped me open. I wanted to argue that it wasn’t true, but the words all died unspoken.
“Mathieu makes you feel safe.” Rachel said with another sigh, then wrapped her arm around my shoulders again. “That’s not nothing. I’mgladhe does. But with the guys? You’d have to admit you’re worth breaking rules for. Worth staying for. Worth the fallout.”
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes before I could stop them. Of course she saw it. Of courseshewould say the thing I couldn’t.
“I didn’t mean to hurt them,” I said, voice small. Even when I wanted to punch them, I didn’t want them to feel like nothing.
To feel like I had.
