Page 38 of Hopeless Kingdom
Darrio wants me to help his brother. His brother wants me to help him too. And I want to help him in every way possible. It’s a dangerous game the three of us are playing.
And it can only end with my heart in worse condition than it already is.
***
I wake with a startle in the middle of the night. Through my balcony windows, the clouds and smoke drift apart just slightly to reveal a perfectly full moon.
I cock a brow at the unusually bright moon. It mocks me with its fullness. I can only hope the king is as oblivious as I hope he is.
Coldness sweeps over my body and I push my palm across the smooth sheet. Nothing meets my fingertips.
I’m alone.
Darrio nor Dax are crowding the bed right now. Most nights they almost strangle me and for once I have every inch of space all to myself.
I hate it.
My body shifts until I’m sitting at the edge of the bed. My calf skims over Daxdyn’s shoulder and I find him leaning against the bed. An empty look fills his tired eyes as he stares out at the night sky.
I sink low, the hard floor greeting me as I sit down at his side.
Tightly, my stomach knots around itself and I can’t seem to look away from the hollow look in his gaze.
He’s like a shell. He’s a shell and his vibrant soul seems to be fleeing from his body.
“What do you feel?”
That half smile is right there in place against the stubble of his five o’clock shadow. It’s the slightest of smiles. A smile without happiness. A worn look fills his boyish face.
“Nothing,” he whispers.
“Nothing?”
“An emptiness mostly. The feelings I have on a day-to-day basis aren’t my own. When no one’s around I feel … nothing.” His attention drifts to the hardwood floors and that smile falters as his words die off into painful silence.
That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
“You just always seemed so happy. I can’t imagine you actually feel nothing.” My words are edged with playfulness and I bump my shoulder into his. Our bodies are aligned, side by side our shoulders, hip and thighs touch. I physically feel his sadness seeping into me.
“It’s easy to feign happiness, Kara. Imagine how boring I’d be if I let my emotions rule my personality. I’d be Darrio, basically.” His gaze drifts back to me and it’s then that I see it; the force he holds in his joking smile, the way it doesn’t touch his beautiful eyes, the sound of sadness clawing at his voice.
It shatters me. His emotions shatter my heart into tiny shards of pain.
“And you always feel this way?”
“Mostly. It’s harder with the cuffs on. My own emotions are all I have.”
“Right now? You feel this way right now?” Closer, I lean into him.
His empty eyes hold mine as he nods quietly.
My stomach twists and I try to blink back the stinging pity I feel for him.
He doesn’t need my shitty emotions clouding up his already depressed energy.
I want nothing more than to change the way he feels. The feelings he’s gifted to me in the past flood through my mind. I wish I could do for him what he does for everyone else.
The soft sheet fists in my hand as I hold onto the bed and swivel myself until I’m straddling him. I’m bare beneath my nightgown and I think he knows it. His brows rise with that cheeky smile he always holds.
