Page 18 of The Lost Fae
Without a thought, my hand falls from my knees. My fingers brush against Lincoln's hand, his skin burning hot despite the cold wind that ruffles the sails still bundled against the mast. He pulls away.
The small rejection stings, even though I know that it's justified. Still, I can't help but stare at the sharp cut of his jaw, the shadow of a beard, and his upturned gaze just to see through it all. Tofeelthe broken shell of a man he is right now. Though his rough edges haven't fallen too far away to pick back up, part of him remains numb.
I hate that. I fucking hate it.
"It's nice working as a team," I whisper. "I missed you so much while I was in the Iron Court, it's almost embarrassing to admit."
He folds his hands in his lap, rolling his thumbs over one another again and again. He doesn't turn his gaze from the never-ending sky.
"Without you...The Shadow Court felt... empty." His teeth rake over his bottom lip. "There was an influx of Shadow Fae that stumbled into the mansion. An influx of deaths." His voice drops to a hush quieter than the wind. "All of them were just like you."
"Like me?"
"Shadow Fae, with their magic bound and hidden." Lincoln lifts one hand, his finger hovering an inch away from my wings as he mimics the shape of them in the air.
I press my eyes closed, trying to bury my lust filled thoughts.Touch them.My body begs betraying my mind and the careful way I want to help Lincoln heal.
"None of them even had a chance to get their wings."
"Oh." I open my eyes.
"Everybody I found, every investigation I opened to find evidence of Bellion’s wrong doings... all led to nothing. Cordelia acts as if she doesn't know who could possibly be behind it but she also doesn't care to stop it. Every girl...," he breathes, "every girl started to look like you. Their bodies limp and fragile on the floor. The blood stains...I didn't want to open my mind. I didn't want to be closer with you. If I did then your death would only hurt that much worse. I've claimed you though I know it will bring you shame. Maybe I hate myself for it, I'm not sure. Now you've claimed me... and it makes me so... so happy." His hands shake but he wraps them around his stomach quickly."We are dangerous." His eyes flash in warning. He turns to me quickly. "I can feel it."
I nod my head because I know exactly what he is talking about. "I'd burn the entire world down before I ever let someone take you away from me."
Slowly, with the creeping length of the warm sunrise, a smile lifts his lips. It doesn't reach his eyes. And my heart shatters just a little bit more.
"Can we talk about what happened?" My voice shakes. The subject is a fragile eggshell that we've so far walked around in every way we can. But we can't clean up the mess that was made without touching it.
Ziko turns his face back up to the clouds. His heartbeat trills in his chest, an anxiety extending out to every part of his body that makes him quake at the thought. He presses his lips tightly together.
"Sometimes... it helps to process things out loud," I offer him his own advice.
"I'm soiled," he hisses through clenched teeth. "I amdirty."
"No, you are not." I tuck my knees underneath me, leaning forward as close as I dare. I want to wrap him up in my arms, to tuck him against me, and whisper my love for him in his ear until everything else fades away.
"As if I wasn't already unworthy of you. As if I wasn't alreadybelowyou. Now, I am ruined. Publicly ruined."
The rasp in his voice is almost physically painful. Listening to him sends a tinge of desperation, sorrow, and outright agony like nails into my heart.
"No, yo--"
"Your kind words can't fix it, Briar." He cuts me off. He opens his palms and looks down at his rough hands. "I can't stop thinking that it's all my fault. I brought this all on myself. I trusted the wrong people. I let myself get close when I shouldn't have. Maybe I deserved it."
My breath catches in my chest. It hurts too much to breathe.
"I want to pretend like it didn't happen. But my mind won't stop replaying it. Every time I get near you... all I can think about is how Cordelia used me." His eyes stare blankly ahead, his body still. "How could you want someone who gave her pleasure? I'm just the leftovers of her little games."
"No you're not. I don't believe that you are." I so fiercely want to take his hands in mine. Instead I fist them in my lap. Wood bites into my ankles as all my weight falls onto my folded legs underneath me. "None of this was your fault. You didn't ask for her to do that. And you never deserved it. No one deserves that. I want you. I want you no matter what. No matter how broken or battered you feel. No matter who tries to bring you down, dismiss you, or break you. I. Want. You. As you are."
Lincoln scoffs and I know he doesn't believe me. But in due time... maybe he will.
"Perhaps," I sigh and move back to sit against the railing again to watch the stars while the crew shuffles around us. Someone calls out to someone else as I speak. "it's a good thing that we are here. Maybe for a time we need to be far away."
"Or maybe it's a really bad thing."
My thought quickly slips to Jase. To Lylix. To Zeve. What will become of them? Then I hug my knees to my chest again. Will Rowan have a funeral?
