Page 101 of Lucky
My hand flies to my mouth, and my eyes sting so fast, so hard, I can barely see.I might be on the verge of a panic attack, but all I know is that I need to get away from all this.
I fumble for my phone in my purse.My fingers shake as I swipe to Lucky’s contact and type.Hey.I’m so sorry—I can’t do dinner tonight.Something came up.
I stare at it for a beat, knowing how cold it sounds, how not me.But I don’t trust myself to say more.I’m not even sure I can say more.I only know that I want away from all of this.
I hit send.
Shoving my phone back in my purse, I wrench open the driver’s side door and slide into the seat, ignoring the chemical stench of spray paint filling the cabin.My whole body trembles now—humiliation, fury, heartbreak tangling in my chest.I lift my hands, stare at them… horrified to see them shaking so badly.
One of Lucky’s hoodies is draped over the passenger seat.He left it at my house before the last road trip and I confiscated it.It smells like him and it brought me comfort.
Now for some reason, it makes me angry.
I grab it, crumple it into a ball, and toss it into the back like it’s poison.
I don’t know why.
I just can’t look at it right now.
I know I should call the police and report it, but having to wait here while other teachers and parents could see this… I can’t stomach the thought.
My vision blurs again, but I manage to start the engine.Back out of the space.My tires squeal louder than they should, drawing more attention I don’t want.I drive home with the windows cracked to air out the smell, blinking hard against the tears clouding my vision.I remember I need gas as I’m nearly on fumes, but the thought of people looking at my car is so sickening, vomit rises in my throat.
At a stoplight, a car full of teenagers pulls up beside me.The savage words are on display, and they stare with wide eyes before they start laughing and pointing.I stare at my hands on the steering wheel in their white-knuckled grip and I scream.
Just once.Frustration and anger.
Loud and desperate and raw.
The light turns green and I move in a daze.I drive the rest of the way home in silence, trying not to fall apart.
But I already have.
Because the truth is… I can’t do this.I can’t be strong enough for both of us.I can’t keep pretending the comments don’t cut deep, that the stares don’t matter, that I’m not slowly unraveling every time someone calls me a mistake.
And now this?
Someone vandalized my car.On school property.During school hours, so now I feel unsafe.There’s no security anymore.
Because I’m dating a man who had the audacity to say he liked me online.That’s all it took and suddenly, I’m a target.
I pull into my driveway and sit there, engine ticking, breath shaky.
I was so excited to see Lucky tonight.
I have fresh mozzarella in the fridge for a caprese salad and I was going to break out the grill for the chicken.I created a playlist and had it queued.I was looking forward to curling up with him after dinner like we had no past and nothing to fear.
But now?
Now I can’t even look at his name on my phone without breaking.I’m not built for this.I don’t belong in his world.I’m definitely not built for this kind of scrutiny, this kind of attention.
I close my eyes, drop my forehead to the steering wheel, and whisper, “I’m so sorry.”
Then I sit in the wreck of my own thoughts and cry for a little longer.
♦
I don’t rememberfalling asleep.
