Page 84 of Healed Heart
He doesn’t see himself the way I do.He thinks he’s ruined, that his past, his pain, the things he keeps buried make him unworthy.But I don’t want the cleaned-up version of his love.I want the truth of it.
He thinks he lost control.Maybe he did.But not in the way he fears.
Because I felt it.That moment when he let himself feelme, when he let down the walls he’s been building around himself for so long.
He felt something real, and that terrifies him.Terrifies him that it’s different—perhaps more profound—than what he ever felt with Lindsay.
But it doesn’t terrifyme.Not anymore.
I want to be the place where he doesn’t have to hold himself together.I want to take the weight from his shoulders.I don’t care about his past.I don’t care about the demons that chase him.I care abouthim.
I’ll never turn my back on him, no matter how violent he becomes.
He can beat me, fuck me into oblivion.
And still I’ll be here.
“I’ll be here,” I whisper.
He opens his mouth, but no words emerge.
“It’s okay,” I say.
Again, he says nothing.
So I say nothing, simply reach for him.
He slowly sheds his clothes and lies down next to me.
We don’t snuggle.We don’t touch.
We simply are.
Together.
A few moments later, when Jason’s breathing has become regular, and a soft snore escapes his throat, I rise, put on a robe, and let Tillie in.Then I make us a light dinner of pasta with lemon and basil and a loaf of Ava’s bread.
I return to the bedroom to wake him, but he’s sleeping so soundly I can’t bring myself to disturb him.I eat alone, Tillie at my feet, and then I settle back on the couch with my books.
At eleven p.m., I let Tillie out, wash up, and put on my pajamas.Jason is still sleeping soundly.I cover him with an extra blanket, and I’m ready to slide in beside him when I hear a buzzing noise coming from the floor.
Jason’s jeans.His phone.I grab it.
I don’t want to disturb him.I should let it go to voicemail.I mean, it’s after eleven.Who would be calling him at this hour?
But my curiosity gets the best of me.I take the phone out of the bedroom.“Hello?”
“I’m sorry.I’m looking for Jason Lansing.”
“This is his phone,” I say.“He’s asleep.Is there anything I can help you with?”
“I’m Tom Chapman,” he says.“And I’m sorry for calling so late, but I just got some information that I know Jason will want.”
“Do you want me to wake him up?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind.”
Ugh.Jason needs his rest.I hate to disturb him when he’s finally getting a good night’s sleep, but…
