Page 120 of Healed Heart
“You’re talking like I should just give up on finding justice for Lindsay.”
“No,” Dr.Engel says firmly.“Don’t mistake my caution for discouragement.What I’m saying is that while you pursue justice, don’t allow the pursuit to consume you.Don’t let it control your actions, your emotions, your life.”
I consider his words, and something flashes into my mind.
“Oh my God, I get it now.”
“Get what?”
“Why Dr.Steel said I needed more therapy before I should have the experimental surgery.”
“And why is that?”he asks.
“Because Iwasletting it consume me.The surgery.But not just that.The grief.The loss.And now the revenge against Ralph.I was letting it all consume me, instead of healing from the inside out.I was seeking fixes for my physical issues while ignoring the emotional wounds.”
“Exactly,” Dr.Engel says.“And that realization, Dr.Lansing, is the first step toward true healing.It takes courage to admit that you need help and even more to accept it.”
It’s like a veil has lifted from my eyes, and I can see clearly for the first time in a long while.I’ve been fighting so hard against my own emotional turmoil that I had forgotten what it feels like to just breathe.To be free of the weight of guilt and anger.
“Thank you,” I say after a moment, feeling strangely raw and exposed.
“You’re welcome,” Dr.Engel replies.“And Dr.Lansing?”
“Yeah?”
“If you’ll continue therapy with me, I’ll tell the board that they should allow the surgery.”
“You mean…now?”
“Yes.As soon as it can be arranged.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“Believe it.I was leaning toward that recommendation anyway, and I was ready to make it in the next month or so.But after today’s conversation, I’m confident that you have the support you need, and that you’re finally dealing with your trauma of loss, even though your wife may not have left you of her own accord.”
“Yes,” I say.“Lindsay deserved better, for sure.”
“She did,” he says.“Life can be foul sometimes, but we must remember to cherish the moments of beauty and love it gives us.That’s what Lindsay would have wanted for you.”
“Okay,” I say, my voice choked with emotion.“Okay.I’ll do it.I’ll continue therapy, and I’ll fight to clear my name.”
“Good,” Dr.Engel says.“And remember, you don’t have to do this alone.”
After we end the call, I sit still in my car, my eyes closed, taking several deep breaths.
And I feel better—about everything—than I have in a long time.
The fog of all of this has lifted.I’m no longer drowning in a sea of chaos, of unanswered questions.
And I realize… Ralphdidslip up.Just now.
As I left, he couldn’t resist getting one last taunt in.
You can’t prove anything, Lansing.Not about me, not about this Burgundy guy.It doesn’t matter how many of his friends you call.
I never told Ralph about calling his old friends.
HeknewI was snooping around.
