Page 77 of Blue Hawaiian
“I wish we werebothmore like her.”
“What are you talking about? You’re great at your job. Zach thinks you’re indispensable.”
“I’m good at my job, yes, but I made some terrible decisions. I could have gotten a scholarship to college, all paid for. But I threw it away because a smooth-talking white boy took an interest in me. I was so afraid to lose him I didn’t have the courage to say no. And then I paid for it when I found out I was pregnant.”
Her mom rarely shared stories of the past. Whenever Jess or Gabi had asked, she’d deflected, saying the memories were too painful to share. For the first time, Jess wondered if her mom ever felt as inadequate as she did. Especially since her older sisters, Carmen and Elena, were both college graduates.
Jess sought to console her. “It was one mistake.”
Her mom gave a bitter laugh. “It was ahugemistake. His parents hated me. He only married me because I was pregnant with Gabi.” She narrowed her eyes. “You and Connorhavebeen using protection, right?”
Her cheeks heated up. “Of course. I’ve been on the pill since college.”
“And he always uses a condom, right?”
She did not want to be having this conversation. Not in this universe or any other. She looked down at her drink and focused on the red swizzle stick. “Yes.”
“Good girl.” Her mom finished her cocktail, then flagged down their waiter. “I’ll have another. Jessica—what about you?”
“Sure.” Another rum and Coke wouldn’t kill her. A little buzz might lessen the pain. “Back to what you were saying about Dad. Do you think he ever loved you? I mean, you stayed together for four years. And you had me.”
Her mom sighed. “He told me he loved me, but he wasn’t faithful. I’m surprised he stayed as long as he did.”
“Mama, I’m so sorry.” For all the mistakes Jess had made, for all the lousy guys she’d dated, she’d never experienced that level of anguish.
“I’m glad he left. The hardest part was trying to provide for the two of you. I’m so grateful my sisters were around to help. If it weren’t for Carmen and Elena, I would have been on my own.” Her mom frowned. “That’s why it bothered me when Gabi wanted her wedding here, because I knew they couldn’t afford to come.” She thanked the waiter as he set down their drinks, then gave Jess a slight smile. “It’s a good thing your sister’s having that party in August, or they might hold a grudge forever.”
Jess considered how the family might react to her own news. “They’re going to think I’m a loser, aren’t they?”
“I doubt it. They’ve seen me go through much worse. Like you, I’ve made some bad decisions, so I understand how you feel. But you shouldn’t hide things from me.”
Jess didn’t want to argue, but if she didn’t speak up, she might lose her chance. “I won’t. In return, you could go easier on me, once in a while.”
“I’m sorry. But you’re just like I was. You’re so impulsive. When you went to Chicago with Simon, you weren’t even sure if you loved him. But you wanted an adventure. You leap into relationships without thinking, and the men you choose treat you badly. I don’t want you to suffer the way I did.”
“I get that. But you have to stop comparing me to Gabi.” Jess sniffed and wiped her eyes again. “It doesn’t help. If anything, it makes me feel ten times worse.”
Her mom blinked and looked away, as though fighting back tears of her own. “I’ll try not to do it in the future.”
Having her mother concede anything was a huge win. “Thanks. For what it’s worth, I was going to tell you everything after the wedding, but I didn’t want my news to ruin Gabi’s big day.” She sighed. “Obviously, I fucked up.”
“Language. And you didn’t ruin Gabi’s wedding.” Her mom clucked her tongue. “She’s made this much harder than it has to be, always wanting things to be perfect.”
Jess twisted the swizzle stick between her fingers. “But what if she calls off the wedding? I’ll feel so guilty.”
“Somehow, I predict it will still go as planned. Gabi usually gets what she wants. As much as I love that girl, she intimidates me. But I think you’re the brave one.”
“Me? I’m the one who breaks down whenever there’s a crisis.”
“You’re also the one who moved to Chicago on your own. And you didn’t fail. You had a good job, but things didn’t work out. That’s what happens when we take risks—we get hurt or have to start over. But taking risks is how we grow.”
The words hit Jess like a smack upside the head because they also applied to her and Connor. She’d lied and said she wouldn’t be available, because if she told him she was moving back to California, she’d be taking a huge risk. Rather than let him break her heart, she hadn’t possessed the courage to tell him the truth.
What a coward I was. No wonder Connor was mad at me.
“Jessica?” her mom asked. “When did you say you were planning on moving back home?”
“In a few weeks. Is that okay? That way, I can help with Gabi’s party in August.”
