Page 76 of Cause When You Love Someone
“Ladies! Welcome to Four Page Letter. How can I help you today?”
Essen took a few faltering steps. “We have a reservation booked for three o’clock.”
“Oh. You must be Essen.”
“I am. Nice to meet you, Jhene.”
Essen took the liberty of introducing everyone by name before Jhene asked us to get comfortable and find a seat.
“Since this is your first time here, I want to tell you a little about what we do.” She winked. “Four Page Letter is a haven for healing. We encourage our guests to use the board on your easel to brainstorm and purge before writing a necessary letter to someone in your life. A lot of times, we have things we want to say to our younger or older selves. Our daughters and sons. Whoever it may be, we urge you to put it on paper.”
“Damn. Where are the Kleenex?” Clover muttered what I was thinking.
Jhene grabbed a caddy of markers from underneath the table and then passed it to Essen. “I want you ladies to grab a few writing utensils while I find a good playlist and a bottle of wine.”
The essence of the place sparked my desire for transparency. I waited for Jhene to disappear down a hallway before I decided to pick the girls’ brains about something that kept me up at night.
“Let me ask you guys something.” I turned to the group. “Would I be crazy if I go to Chaz’s funeral?”
Blaze sucked her teeth. “Hell yeah. Fuck him.”
Stevie slapped the top of her hand. “Don’t do that, Blaze. Clarke, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You and Chaz were together for years. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about mourning the good parts of him.”
Stony nodded. “True, but that doesn’t mean she owes him a damn thing.”
“It’s not about him. It’s about her,” Stevie professed. “Have you talked to Ishmael about it?”
“That’s the last thing I want to do. For the last week, he’s held me, cooked for me, and let me cry freely without making me feel guilty about it. Ishmael will give me anything I want, including aride to the cemetery, if I ask. I don’t want to talk to him about the funeral. I haven’t even told him about the letter.”
“Letter?” Essen repeated with raised brows.
“Yeah. Chaz’s mom texted me a few days ago. Apparently, he wrote more letters than we thought. After the way he named me throughout his suicide note, I’m scared to see what he wrote only for my eyes.”
Stevie caressed my hand like a nurturing big sister. “I’ve been through something like this, and I learned, sometimes, ignorance is bliss. There’s nothing wrong with you reading the letter, but I say save it until you’re ready to accept whatever it may say.”
About ten minutes into our session of purging, I looked around the room and saw all the ladies had added words or phrases to their boards, while I sat in place, gnawing on my bottom lip. With so many emotions running through my body, I didn’t know where to start.
“Are you good, Clarke?” Jhene walked over with a grin and kneeled next to me. I smirked and bobbed my head up and down. “Have you decided who you want to write your letter to?”
“I’m stuck,” I admitted. “The only person I want to talk to is my unborn.”
The ladies oohed and aahed at the comment, melting away the worrisome energy that plagued my mind.
“Every lesson, every accomplishment, every star you’ve planted, share that with your baby. Explain how their birth delivered a different part of you. Thanks to the internet, I know a little about the loss you’ve experienced, but you’re here. I have a feeling your nugget is part of the reason. Write about it.”
After my elder laced my boots, I got started on my masterpiece. The knot in my gut didn’t disappear, but every stroke of my pen chipped away at the boulder.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my phone illuminate. I started not to answer, but I didn’t want my silence to worry Ishmael.
“Hey, handsome.”
“Mama, I miss you,” he answered. “I just landed. Where are you?”
“In the streets with your sisters. They got me out of the studio.” His muted response made me check my phone to ensure he hadn’t hung up. “Are you still there?”
“I want to see you, Clarke. Drop your location. I’ll wait outside until you’re done.”
“Ishmael, I need this moment alone. I’ll call you once we’re done. Okay?”
