Page 34 of When I'm Gone
“Hmm, okay. I mean, nothing against the girl. She seems like a very genuine person, but I just want what’s best for the kids.” Annie turned to watch the kids at the table again. Jessie, wearing aWickedT-shirt today, had five bottles of glitter, two bottles of glue, and a stack of multicolored paper. The kids were all in various stages of hat making, and Jessie was busy covering her fingernails in glue and glitter.
“Well, maybe she’s a little spacey andchildish,” Luke agreed, “but ... what happened to your face?” Luke reached out and brushed the discolored spot on Annie’s cheek. She flinched back.
“Nothing; I just slipped in the shower. I hadn’t put the rubber mat down ...” She covered the side of her face with her hand. “Is it bruising badly?”
“No.” Luke shuffled closer, inspecting the injury with his experienced eye. As he searched for swelling, all those memories he continually tried to push away rose to the surface. His father’s booming voice shaking his bedroom door, his mom crying and begging him to stop, the garnet and gold class ring his dad wore on his left hand that left welts on his mom’s arms and legs and occasionally her face.
He dropped his hand. He didn’t like to let himself think about his father or how he had destroyed their family in that little house on Winter Lane. “Does it hurt? What about your head—any headaches or blurred vision?”
Annie shook her head. “Nope, I’m fine, really.” She swooshed her hands in front of her body like she was wiping the concerns away and then turned around, ending Luke’s inspection. “Here, can you tighten this?” She pointed to the buckle behind her neck that had never been adjusted. This time, Luke didn’t let himself think; he yanked the tail of fabric through the clip with a snap. Annie spun around. “By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice the letter you were clutching when I came in.” Annie raised her eyebrows, and Luke read the accusation in her pursed lips. She was deflecting any more scrutiny of the bruise on her face.
“I could tell you noticed.” Luke picked up the spatula Annie used to frost the cake and tossed it into the sink with a thud before turning on the water and grabbing a damp sponge. “I’m not trying to hide it from you. They help me, and I don’t think I should be ashamed of that.”
“I’m not trying to shame you,” Annie said as she appeared beside him at the sink. “But shouldn’t you at leasttryto find out where they are coming from?”
Luke breathed out slowly. These conversations with Annie were his least favorite. No matter how many times she said she wasn’t judging him, it still felt like she was.
“I visited the post office, talked to the manager. There’s no way to trace them. What else can I do? I’m not going to stop reading them, and I don’t know why you’d want me to.” Annie had come to the party with plenty on her mind and wasn’t holding back.
“I’m not trying to be cruel, Luke. I just don’t want you to get hurt or delude yourself into thinking Natalie is somehow still here.” She grabbed a neon-green sponge and scrubbed the spatula, rinsed it, and placed it into the drying rack before starting on the bowl, encrusted with cake batter.
“Well, maybe Natalie knew that someone as logical as me could use a little illusion or delusion or whatever you mean. The letters aren’t hurting me,” Luke said with finality. “And if we’re going to talk about someone getting hurt, let’s talk about—”
Annie wouldn’t let him finish. “Okay. I get it,” she said, passing him a bowl to dry. “I won’t bring it up again.” She blew at a bit of hair that had slipped out of her bobby pins, and pulled her shoulders back as she washed. “So, what were you and Brian chatting about over there?”
“He was asking me to be a reference for the new job.” When she didn’t say anything, Luke checked her face, wondering if the job was what had her acting out. “What? You’re not excited about it? I know, you’re worried you’ll miss getting out of tickets once your husband isn’t a police officer anymore, aren’t you?” Luke elbowed her side, trying to bring back playful Annie.
“I’ll have you know I’m an excellent driver.” She laughed halfheartedly and flicked a few soap bubbles at his face.
“Hey!” Luke held up a glass. “I’m working here.”
“I ...” Annie cleared her throat, growing serious again. “I’m surprised he talked to you without me.”
“It’s not a big deal, Annie. We only talked for two minutes, tops. He seems really excited about this job.”
“Oh,heis.” She dried her hands with the dish towel and then threaded it through the drawer handle. When she looked up Luke tried to recall the meaning of her expression from his ever-growing dossier of Annie’s emotions but drew a blank. “I’m not. Moving away would be breaking my promise to Natalie. Those promises are very real to me. I can’t turn my back on them because he suddenly decides he wants a new career.”
The hair on Luke’s forearm stood on end. Move? Brian never mentioned anything about moving.
“Wait. What are you talking about? Where is this new job?”
“He didn’t tell you? Ugh. That man.” She started to push her fingers through her hair until she realized it was pinned back and ended up patting the swollen spot on her face instead. “DC,” she whispered. “The job is in Washington, DC.”
Luke felt his knees start to buckle. So this is what had Annie on edge, why she was worried about Jessie’s competence, his overreliance on Natalie’s letters. She was preparing to leave them.
Luke steadied himself as nonchalantly as possible, one hand on the counter, the other in his pocket. Washington, DC. Annie was right; this was definitely not in Natalie’s plans. He shook his head and took a deep breath. Why had he let himself become so dependent on her? Because Annie begged him to let her help? Because he needed someone in his life to help him and to talk to, who could share the day-to-day challenge of parenting grieving children?
God, now Clayton, who barely slept when he was home, had no problem sleeping when Annie put him down for a nap. And Will, who hardly showed his face outside of his room, much less made actual speaking sounds in Luke’s direction, texted with Annie daily and lit up when she walked in the room. And poor May would lose her only remaining mother figure. Who would she talk to about boys and puberty and ... all those other things Luke had no idea about?
She could do all those things when she lived five minutes away, but not if she lived in DC. He couldn’t say any of that. This shouldn’t matter to him. Annie could move to Mongolia, and he should be happy for her.
“Don’t you worry about us.” Luke took a step back and put on his “I’m okay” face. He’d had lots of practice with this one and hoped it was convincing by now. “Natalie would want you to be happy.” Luke reached out and lightly patted Annie’s upper arm.
She shook her head. “Really? You’re fine with it too? I knew Brian wouldn’t get it, but I thought for sure you would.” She pressed her lips together till they blanched white. “I promised her, Luke. I’m not following some instructions in a letter.” She gave him a cutting look, and the words hurt like she’d scratched him with a knife. “I sat at her deathbed. I looked into her eyes, and I swore I’d be there for you guys.”
“Natalie is gone.” Luke sliced at the air. Annie was right; he played games with his own grief by indulging in the mysterious letters, but he didn’t want to condemn Annie to that prison. He looked around to make sure all the kids were involved with Jessie’s art project and then lowered his voice. “She isdead. She doesn’tcareabout us anymore because she doesn’t exist anymore.”
The words came out more bitter than he’d intended, and Annie recoiled. Damn it. Luke crunched his eyes closed and rubbed the bridge of his nose, almost hoping when he opened them she’d be gone. But she was still there, staring at him like she was trying to figure out what was going on inside his head.
