Page 4 of When I'm Gone
She came around the corner in an ankle-length winter coat with snow on her shoulders. “Oh my gosh, it’s cold out there.”
Great. A real person. Luke made sure his robe was tied tight enough to hide his “hole in the butt” sweatpants that horrified Natalie’s mom so much. Will and May weren’t in much better shape. Luke wished he’d at least gotten them dressed and had them run combs through their hair. Instead, Clayton lay half-asleep in a sugar coma on the couch from all the “stay quiet” lollipops. Rainbow-colored drips decorated the collar of his airplane pj’s.
“Annie!”May jumped up from her spot in front of the TV and sprinted toward Annie, nearly running into the half wall separating the kitchen from the family room. She was still wearing an off-white flannel nightgown, her hair frizzed around her head like a dandelion poof. The kids were a mess. Then again, if anyone could understand, it would be Annie.
“Hey, girl.” Annie let out a big“oooff”as May threw her boney little arms around her neck. “How’s your morning going?”
“Fine,” she said as Annie lowered her to the ground. “Daddy’s trying to make pancakes.”
“Try is the operative word in that sentence,” Luke mumbled.
“Well, I think you’re pretty lucky to have a daddy who wants to make you pancakes. Even at,” she pulled her phone out of her coat pocket and glanced at the screen, “noon. Breakfast for lunch sounds fun. What can I do to help?”
Annie’s bobbed blonde hair bounced as she pulled off her beret-style hat and tossed it on the counter. Under her massive purple coat, she wore a long-sleeved running shirt and yoga pants. Could she really still be trying to sell the idea she’d stopped by on her run? Natalie would’ve made a joke. It would’ve been funny. Even if he didn’t know exactly what she would’ve said, the idea still made Luke smile and get a choking feeling in his throat. He swallowed and held out the curdled mess he’d been stirring.
“Do you know anything about this?” His lips were pinched together as he remembered the smell.
“Oh my God. Is that Natalie’s secret pancake recipe?” Annie rushed over, taking in the ingredients on the counter. “I’ve begged her for the recipe for years. Did she really leave it for you?”
“Yeah, it’s right there.” He pointed to the letter propped up on the counter. He was trying to keep it far away from the mess of flour and liquids.
“Can I look at it?” she asked as she snatched the paper off the counter. Her light eyebrows pinched together as she scanned the page. Luke watched her soak in the looping lines of Natalie’s handwriting and the tears gathering in her eyes as she read.
He hadn’t really considered how hard this must be on Annie, to mourn for a lost friend. At least when you are a widower, everyone expects you to be sad. Annie had loved Natalie like a sister, yet she was expected to go on with life as though Natalie meant no more to her than the checkout girl at the Wal-Mart.
Though they were as close as sisters, they looked anything but. Natalie had been a short brunette who never let a jeans size get in the way of enjoying brownies or skipping a day of cardio. Besides, she’d always insisted she didn’t have strong enough cheekbones to pull off superskinny. Luke didn’t mind; he thought her curves were plenty sexy and her self-confidence even more so. He’d rather have a woman who wore a size ten but wanted to make love with the lights on, than a size two who hid in the shadows.
Annie, on the other hand, was fair, sinewy, and a head taller than Nat. She liked her morning runs and green drinks but mostly because she sat at a desk all day transcribing medical documents. When Luke and Nat doubled with Annie and her husband, Brian, it always made Luke feel uncomfortable the way men’s eyes would follow Annie around a room. Brian didn’t seem to care; he had a natural self-confidence Luke secretly envied, and Natalie rolled her eyes, so Luke learned to ignore it.
But it didn’t matter to Natalie and Annie what they looked like. The two women meshed from the moment they met at a PTO meeting when Will was in kindergarten and Annie’s son was in fifth grade. Annie’s face was streaked with tears by the time she lifted her gaze from the handwritten recipe.
“She was such a stinker.” Annie sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Luke tried to rip off a paper towel, but it caught on the roll and shredded in his hand. Annie took it anyway and blotted at her eyes. “Thanks.” She cleared her throat with a tearful kind of a chuckle. “Do you realize this is the exact recipe from findyourrecipe.com? Word for word. She always made me think she had some special ingredient.”
Luke snickered, swallowing hard again. “So this bowl of disgustingness makes sense to you?”
“Yes.” She squinted. “If you followed the directions right, you made buttermilk. Congratulations.”
“You’re telling me I could’ve bought the stuff?” He poured it into the flour mixture, where it made a plopping sound.
“Yup, right there in the dairy section.” Annie laughed, crossing the tile floor to the fridge with the note in hand. “I’ll hang this up here if you’re finished with it.” Reaching toward the magnets covering the freezer door, she froze. “Oh my God, Luke, did you see this? On the back?”
Goosebumps developed on Luke’s forearms. He’d forgotten about the letter. That was private. Without thinking, he raked his hands over his dark-blue robe, leaving off-white streaks across his chest.
“Yeah,” was all he could think of to say. He wanted to take it back, to hide it away and make her forget she ever saw the intimate message on the other side of the paper, but it was too late. She was already reading.
“Where did you get this?” She held it up, her voice shaking almost as much as the paper in her hand.
He shrugged, trying to play it off as no big deal. “It came in with the daily mail.”
“But it says day two,” Annie said, her voice getting squeaky and high-pitched. “Where is day one?” Her forehead wrinkled, her eyebrows furrowed, and her breathing grew rapid.
Luke could see Annie’s pulse pounding on her neck from across the room, but he didn’t want to answer any questions. Usually a rational-minded engineer, he was avoiding the inevitable questions that would follow. Who? Why? How? Right now he just wanted the letter back in his pocket.
“I have the first one.” It only took two giant steps to close the space between them. “But these are private, Annie; I’m sorry. I know you two shared everything, but I need this to be my thing with Natalie.” He put his shaking hand out. “It’s all I have left.”
Standing this close to Annie, he noticed her red-rimmed eyes had dark circles smudged underneath. She hadn’t slept in a few days, he was certain. Natalie had always said her best friend was an expert at appearing to be okay. He’d never understood what she meant until today. The letters might help her too, but he didn’t even hesitate. Though it might be selfish, this was nonnegotiable. Natalie’s letters were for him and him alone. His hand remained open between them.
“I’m sorry. You’re right.” Annie passed him the letter with a deep, quivering breath. She nodded, her eyes filling with tears. But she didn’t actually cry, which was a relief to Luke. He didn’t know how to comfort any more people. Hell, he was doing a lousy job comforting his own children. Annie wasn’t missing out on anything.
