Page 61 of Dearly Unbeloved
“And yet, he still treats you better than our dad does,” I point out. Xan shrugs. “What’s she doing today?” Sometimes, Kami tags along to family dinner with her daughter, Lexi, and her brother, Leon, but I haven’t seen them in a while.
“They’re spending the day with Evan’s family.” Xan doesn’t bother hiding the distaste in his voice. Unlike Jazz, Maggie, and me, I suppose, Kami did terribly in the in-law department. If you ask me, she also did terribly in the husband department, and she deserves better than any of them. But I always assumed Xan and Kami would end up together, so maybe I’m biased.
I start to suggest Xan invite her family for Christmas,when Jazz asks for everyone’s attention. Xan and I look up, watching across the table as she and Liam exchange a smile.
“We have some news,” Liam says, gripping Jazz’s hand. “We didn’t say anything earlier, because we didn’t want to get everyone’s hopes up, but we started IUI a few months ago, and…”
Jazz’s expression is pure joy when she says, “I’m pregnant!”
There’s a beat of silence before noise erupts around the table. People jump up, tears spill, congratulations are shouted, and I push back from the table, processing the sudden noise. Processing the news.
“Holy shit.”
I look over at Xan, and he looks as stunned as I feel. “Holy shit,” I agree. “Jazz is going to be a parent.” Jazz has the chance to be the mom she always needed. And I know in my bones that she will be.
“She and Liam are going to do it right,” Xan says, echoing my thoughts so quietly that I wouldn’t hear him if we weren’t so close.
“Yeah, they are.”
I look at the scene before us, watching rather than partaking, because I’m not sure where my place is here. Xan watches too, and I realize this is probably as weird for him as it is for me. Even the Hayashi family, who just met Jazz and Liam today, fit into the celebration with ease.
But the Cannons don’t celebrate like this. Hell, the Cannons don’t celebrate at all. Is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of our lives? Watching, but never experiencing?Unless something changes, it will be. And no one is going to change it but us.
I grab Xan’s arm. “Come on.”
“Where are we…” His voice is lost to the noise as I tug him into the fray toward Jazz.
“Call me grandma one more time,” Maggie warns Liam, with happy tear tracks on her cheeks.
“Congratulations,” I say to Liam when he spies our approach.
“Congrats, man. Happy for you,” Xan adds, giving Liam an awkward one-armed hug.
He steps aside so we can see Jazz, and she immediately pulls us both into her arms.
“You’re going to be the best mom.”
“Thanks, Rosie,” Jazz says softly.
“Proud of you.” Xan sounds as choked up as I feel.
Jazz wipes her eyes, but she’s still smiling. “How’d we get so grown up, huh?”
“Hey, listen, can the three of us talk sometime? Not now, obviously, we’re celebrating, and there’s nothing urgent, I just?—”
“Please, now would be perfect. I’ve had a permanent headache for like two months, and it’s very loud in here,” Jazz says, looking relieved. She nods to the door leading into Maggie and Cal’s kitchen and murmurs something in Liam’s ear before leading us through.
They have a small couch in the kitchen, where Maggie likes to sit and work while Cal makes dinner. Their cat, Peach, is lying acrossthe cushions, snoozing. She gives Jazz an unimpressed look when she moves her, but curls up on her lap and goes back to sleep.
I sit beside them, and Xan pulls a chair over from the little breakfast nook, eyeing me curiously. It’s not like I gave him a heads up, and it’s not exactly in character for me to suggest we talk.
“Are you okay, Rosie?”
“I’m fine,” I say quickly, instinctively. Neither Jazz nor Xan looks convinced. “That’s not true. I’m not fine, but I’m working on it. This is me working on it.” The words come out in a rush, almost jumbled, and Jazz reaches across Peach—who meows unhappily—to hold my hand.
“Hey, take your time. Whatever you want to talk about, we’re here, okay?”
My lungs burn as I take a deep breath. The worst they can say is no. “I want us to be closer. The three of us, I mean. I just feel like we’ve spent our whole lives with all this distance between us, because that’s what our parents wanted, and now I don’t know how to fix it. But I want to. I love you both, but I barely know you. And I don’t want your kid growing up wondering why their mom barely talks to her siblings. I know you’re both really busy, but I’d like to spend more time with you. If you want that, I guess.”
