Page 76 of Dearly Unbeloved
“At The Weather Vane.”
How the hell does she know where I am? I bet it was the bartender with the pink hair. She and Jazz are friendly.
“I’m at The Weather Vane, but I’m not on a date. I’m with Lina. She flew up to Seattle to make sure I’m okay.”
Jazz is quiet for a moment before saying, “Well, that doesn’t change any of the rest of it. Two weeks ago, you were telling me Rose was depressed, and she needed support, and now you’re walking out on her and leaving her literally alone. What if she’d hurt herself, Sierra?”
“Do you think I didn’t think about that? Of course I did. I knew she wouldn’t hurt herself while she had the bunnies to look after, and I was going to call you tomorrow morning and ask you to check on her. I would never do anything to put her in danger. You know that.”
“I thought I did, but I never thought you’d do this either. What am I supposed to think?”
I release a shaky breath. “I don’t know.”
A frustrated growl sounds down the line. “I’m trying to be pissed at you, and you sound like a kicked puppy. You’re making it really hard.”
“I’m sorry, I guess? Look, Jazz, I know I did a shitty thing. I know I don’t have any right to be sad when I pulled the plug. I promise, I get it. But Iamsad. I know Rose is your sister, so you’re on her side—as you should be—so it probably means we’re not going to be friends anymore. And yeah, I’m sad about that too. But it is what it is. I knew all of that going into this, and now I’m living with theconsequences. That’s the choice I made.” It all comes out like a stream of consciousness, and it would sound more convincing if my voice didn’t crack.
“Hmm.”
“What does that mean?”
“Whatever you’re doing right now, you’re reminding me of myself a little.”
That’s not what I expected her to say. “Uh, thank you. I think?”
“It wasn’t a compliment,” Jazz says with a pained laugh. “Fuck. What a mess. I have to go, but we’ll talk on Monday. Are you okay? Relatively speaking.”
What a loaded question. “I… I’ll be fine.”
“Is Lina staying with you?”
“Until Monday, yeah,” I confirm.
“Good. I know things are complicated, and I can’t lie, this puts me in a really shitty position, but if you do need me, I’m here, okay?”
Her being so nice is only making me feel worse. I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Yeah. Thank you.”
I want to ask how Rose is, but Jazz is already saying goodbye. She didn’t volunteer the information, and it’s none of my business, but I think I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering how Rose is. Thinking about Rose. Missing Rose.
Every second that passes since I signed those fucking papers, my hand shaking so much my signature was barely legible, feels longer. Every second without Rose in my life feels endless. This was my doing. This was my choice. And I hate it. I hate it, and I hate myself.
It was a mistake, all of it. The getting married, the staying married, the sex, the collar, the lies, the bunnies, the stumbling in love, the leaving. But the only part of it I regret is the leaving.
I regret it so fucking much.
“Why am I like this?” I ask, tears slipping down my cheeks. “Why can’t I let myself get close to people? Every time, I willingly fuck it up. Who does that?”
“You’re scared, SiSi,” Lina says, brushing the tears from my cheeks. “That’s all it is. You got hurt so badly once that your heart doesn’t know the difference between risk and reward. It just sees the risk.”
“I think… I think this hurts more. I think this hurts more than anything has ever hurt before,” I admit, and Lina scoots closer so she can hug me.
“It’s not too late to fix it.”
Maybe it’s not. Maybe if I called her up right now and apologized, Rose would take me back. In fact, I’m almost certain she would. Because Rose is inclined to make decisions that hurt her, and that’s exactly what I did.
37
ROSE
