Page 39 of Spicy or Sweet
“A Christmas tree in September will do that,” I point out, but she shakes her head.
“It’s not that. It’s… warm. Cozy. A little intimidating, if I’m being honest.” She’s smiling when she says it, so I don’t worry too much.
“You find me intimidating?”
“I find you terrifying,mon délice.”
There she goes again with the French. I suddenly regret taking Spanish in high school. Icouldlook it up, but something about the mystery, not knowing what she’s saying, is so much hotter than knowing.
“Everything about this is terrifying. But I like it. I think,” she continues, sounding decidedly less confident than when she started speaking. “I’m just nervous, I guess. I’ve wanted us to be friends for a long time, you know? We have so much in common, and I thought maybe if we were working together, we’d have coffee or something. I didn’t expect this. I like it, don’t get me wrong. Shit, this is all coming out wrong.”
It’s not coming out wrong. I understand her. I don’t like it, but I get it.
Friends. Who sleep together, yeah, but… friends. At least she said something before I told her that I haven’t just been thinking about last night all day—I’ve been thinking about taking her on dates, braving the treacherous road up to Rora’s cabin and hiding out for a few days together, matching Christmas sweaters. So maybe I let my crush get ahead of me a little. It happens. It’s fine.
I thread my fingers through hers, tugging her to the couch as quickly as her uncertainty tugs at my heartstrings. We put our drinks down on matching gingerbread woman coasters, and Shay bites her lip as I rub my thumb over the back of her hand.
“Sweetheart, I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable. This is…” I sigh, trying to find the words. “At the start of this week, I thought I didn’t like you. And now you’re sitting on my couch, and I’m sad that you’re going to have to leave to feed Croissant in a couple of hours.” A smile flits around her mouth. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m just as surprised by all this as you are.” And confused. So fucking confused. “I would love to be… friends.”Casual,I remind myself. She wants things casual.
God, I really hate that word all of a sudden.
Shay pulls her hand from mine, and I frown at the absence of her. She rubs her face, groaning. “I’m sorry. I know I said earlier that I could go with the flow, and Iwill, it just might take me a while to adjust. Trying to get out of my own head is harder than I expected.”
I consider her—the flare of panic in her gray eyes, the smudge of purple below them, the bite mark on her lip—and swallow. “What is it that you’re getting stuck on—my age? Or is it… Is it because I’m a woman?”
I’ve been operating under the assumption that Shay is comfortable with her sexuality, since she was openly looking for women on Locked, but I’ve never actually asked.
“What?” Shay’s eyes widen a fraction. “No, of course…” She trails off, wincing. “Shit. No, it’s not that. But it’s notnotthat… God, not to sound like a cliché, but it’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry, I?—”
I interrupt her spiraling, saying her name softly, and she looks at me, guilt flooding her face.
“I’m not taking this personally, I promise. I just want to know where you’re at, and what I can do to make it easier.”
Shay takes a deep breath. “Your age is an issue, yeah. I know you’re an adult and old enough to know what you want, but I’ve never been… attracted to someone so much younger than me, and I’m processing. Like, I know your parents. I see themaround, and I can’t imagine they’d be okay with you sleeping with someone so much older than you.”
I can’t stop myself from snorting. It’s not an unreasonable concern, but in our family… Not a problem. “You know, my parents practically raised Rora. They consider her theirs as much as me and Felix, and she fell in love and had a baby with my uncle. My parents are technically Sunny’s aunt and uncle, but they go by grandma and grandpa. And Uncle Henry is nineteen years older than Rora, so I don’t think my family would bat an eye at this.”
Shay looks momentarily stunned. “What the hell? I knew he was older, but wow. I can see why my age doesn’t bother you. As for you being a woman—short answer, no. Of course it doesn’t bother me. I’m not straight.”
“I did realize that.”
“Right,” she answers, with a chuckle. “I’m bi, I guess, but I haven’t let myself think about it for a long time. If we’re friends now, I should tell you about Philippe, huh?”
“I want to learn whatever you want to share.”
She looks down at her lap, picking her nails. “I never pictured myself with a man. Ever. My parents are good parents, but they don’t like change, so I never told them I was dating women. It’s not that I think they would’ve had an issue with it, and I did plan to tell them.
“Nico and I were going to do it together—he was seeing a guy from work and wanted to bring him home for Thanksgiving, so we were going to tell them before, but then…”
“Georgie died.”
Shay’s lips curve into a smile, as they always seem to when we talk about her sister, even when it’s a shitty topic. I’m guessing she doesn’t get to talk about her much. People get weird about death, but staying quiet about the people we lose does nothing to keep the memory of them alive.
“Exactly. Georgie died, and Nico didn’t handle it well. He’s always blamed himself. The second he woke and realized she was gone, he shut everyone out. He broke up with his boyfriend, and he pushed me and my parents away, and it felt like it was my responsibility to keep everything together.”
I can hear the grief in her voice, and I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her tight. And I will—when she’s ready. If she wants that. Friends can comfort each other.
“That’s a lot to shoulder so soon after losing your sister.”
