Page 47 of A Year at Appleyard Farm
Jesus, it’s like talking to a small child, she thought.
‘Okay, let me start again. Forget the fact that you and I were nearly married once upon a time, or that you’ve treated your brother appallingly for most of his adult life. That was all in the past, which is exactly where it needs to stay. I’m not bothered about that. What I care about is the here and now, and where we go in the future.’ She looked up to see if he was listening at all. ‘At Christmas, you showed me the real you, not the puffed up act you put on for everyone, but the Stephen you can be, the rational adult who does things for the right reasons and who understands that what he has around him is all he needs to be happy. You told me you were going to put all this nonsense between you and Sam behind you and try being a grown-up for a change. You were going to make a go of your business too, instead of swanning around like the big I am, and leaving everyone else to do the actual work. And yet here we are only four months later, and pardon me, but what’s changed, Stephen?’
‘That was quite some speech.’
Freya could feel her cheeks getting hotter and hotter. Stephen’s gaze was on her, mocking her, and it was more than she could bear. She shot up from her chair, making for the door. She was such a fool for thinking things could ever be any different. She shouldn’t have come.
Suddenly, she felt a hand on her arm. ‘Freya, don’t.’ And then, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
She whirled around to face him. But his usual look of arrogance had been replaced by something else. A softening around the eyes, and uncertainty…even fear?
‘Please, come and sit down.’
She let herself be led back to the table, where she sat watching Stephen, his eyes closed.
He opened them after a minute and got up, moving across to a cupboard where he took down a tin and brought it back to the table.
‘Not the answer, but would you like a chocolate biscuit?’ He smiled hesitantly, and Freya returned it.
‘Thank you,’ she said.
Stephen let out a long sigh. ‘Sam probably doesn’t even know you’re here, does he?’
‘I thought I’d see how things went before I mentioned it to him.’
‘Ah, I see. Not going terribly well, is it?’ He took a biscuit and broke it in half. ‘You’re a good person, Freya.’
‘So are you, you know…if you let yourself be.’
Stephen looked up in surprise. ‘After all I’ve done, and you can still say that.’
‘I’m like the proverbial guardian angel, always willing to believe that there’s a spark of good in everyone, even if on the outside they behave like an arrogant prat.’ A small smile played around her lips.
‘You’re teasing me now, which isn’t fair.’ He regarded his biscuit for a moment. ‘It’s all true, though…It’s just that it’s so hard, Freya, you know? All of it. I think I’ve been a prat for too long.’ He smiled ruefully.
Freya said nothing, but merely nodded her encouragement.
‘I think I’ve spent far too much time in the pub, drinking and gambling. I’ve been doing business of another kind, and I’ve taken my eye off the ball with my own. I’ve lost touch with everything, our suppliers, our customers. Christ, I even find it hard just walking the fields.’ He patted his rather round belly. ‘Some days, I don’t even know where to start.’
‘At the beginning is as good a place as any, I find.’ Freya smiled. ‘I know it’s hard doing this on your own, I’ve been there, remember. The work is physical, it’s relentless some days, but this is all you’ve known, Stephen, since you were a little boy following your dad around the orchard on your toy tractor. It will all come back to you, you just need to give it time. Get out there, breathe it in. Let the rain soak you and the sun warm you…feel the seasons, the rhythms again. You’ll get there.’ She took a bite of her biscuit and wondered how best to frame her next sentence.
‘It might not be what you want to hear right now either, but Sam would still help you, we both would. You only have to ask.’
‘That would go down really well, wouldn’t it?’ Stephen replied glumly.
‘Better than you’d think probably. But you won’t know, if you don’t try.’ She glanced at her watch, and shoved the rest of the biscuit in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. ‘Look, I need to go now, but think about what I’ve said, Stephen. Don’t let any more months go by without making use of the opportunity you’ve been given. You told me you wanted to sort your life out, let’s do it now, shall we?’
She was almost at the door before she heard Stephen’s reply.
‘Thank you, Freya, and I mean that. I know you’re right, but listen…don’t say anything to Sam, will you? About today I mean. It should come from me.’
‘I won’t. You men and your bloody pride. I know you need to find a way to do this and still save face – just don’t leave it too long, okay?’
23
Merry opened another door, and another. They were all the same.
‘Look at this lot!’ she exclaimed, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it, it’s like a museum.’
