Page 17 of The Midnight Bakery
But Beth recognised the look on her face. ‘No,’ she said, reaching forward with her hand. ‘No, you’re not. I think we often pretend to be something we’re not. I do it all the time.’ She studied Frankie’s expression. It was as if no one had ever said that to her before. ‘I pretend I’ve had enough sleep when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I pretend I’m fine when people talk to Jack as if he’s a five-year-old, when really, I want to throttle them. But most of all I pretend I’m the most patient person who ever lived, when really my body is boiling with everything I don’t say and everything I hold back.’ She stared at Frankie, suddenly shy, and not at all sure where that had come from. ‘I’d love to be the person I pretend to be, but I’m not, not really. I don’t think I do a very good job at all. I don’t mean at work,’ she corrected. ‘But at home, where it really matters.’
‘But does Jack expect you to be that perfect person?’
Beth stared out of the window, eyes unfocused. She wasn’t looking outward, she was looking inward, at the boxes where she hid her thoughts day after day after day. ‘No, I don’t think he does,’ she replied. ‘But I feel like I have to be, because if I wasn’t, I don’t know how he’d make it through the day. He feels guilty enough about the accident, about changing our lives and the burden he places on me. So, however hard things are, I try to keep it hidden. I try to give him the perfect version of me.’ She shook her head. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to offload on you like that.’
‘You weren’t offloading, and even if you were, it would be okay.’ Frankie tipped her head to one side. ‘It’s clear you don’t think he’s a burden.’
‘I don’t. I love him,’ replied Beth simply. ‘And I don’t care how he is now, he’s still the man I married all those years ago. We have no children, so it’s just him and me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Our life is hard, at times very hard, but no, he’s not a burden. The difficulty is that if I didn’t pretend, getting him to believe that would be nigh on impossible. His guilty feelings would skyrocket and I’m scared of what that could do to us.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘Trouble is, pretend too often and you forget who you really are.’
Frankie dabbed a finger against a crumb of biscuit. ‘I used to think my life was complicated, but compared to yours…’ Her eyes were warm on Beth’s. ‘You must be very good at juggling things.’
Beth pulled a face. ‘I think I’m good at throwing things up in the air and praying they don’t come down again,’ she said. ‘Or at least not all at once, and I don’t think that’s quite the same thing. There’s so little room in our lives for anything which throws a spanner in the works – you saw what happened the night Jack fell out of bed. All it takes is one small thing and…’ She made a gesture with her hands as if a bomb was exploding.
‘So, you work the night shift because it’s practical, is that it?’
‘Hmm…and that’s the only reason. It’s a simple equation. Jack obviously needs more help during the day than he does at night when he’s asleep, so I needed to figure out how I could look after Jack, work full-time and still find a few hours to sleep myself. The answer I came up with was the night shift. It doesn’t really allow me to do any of those things properly, but that’s just the way it is at the moment.’
‘And you can’t get anyone else to look after Jack?’ asked Frankie, checking herself almost immediately. ‘I’m sorry, that was a ridiculous thing to say.’
‘It wasn’t,’ replied Beth, smiling warmly. ‘It was a valid question, but the truth is that we simply can’t afford it. Jack would probably prefer it if I wasn’t nagging him all day, but unless we can find a way to bring in more money, we’re stuck as we are. And with everything going on at the hospital, my salary is more likely to go down rather than up.’
‘How’s that work then?’ Frankie queried.
‘The usual. The hospital needs to save money and because the wages bill is one of the biggest areas of expense, it’s the one which gets tinkered with the most. We’re going through another round of redundancies at the moment and I’m having to reapply for my job. If I’m lucky enough to hold onto it, I’ll end up with a contract which effectively means I’ll be doing more work for less money.’
‘But that isn’t right…’
‘Nope.’ Beth raised her eyebrows. It was a conversation she’d had countless times before.
Frankie took a deep breath as if to speak and then let it out slowly. She could obviously see there was no point in pursuing the rights and wrongs of the situation. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said instead. ‘That’s rubbish.’ She looked around her a moment. ‘Listen, say if you need to get home but…would you like some breakfast?’ She nodded towards a table on their left who had just been served. ‘That’s making my mouth water and the prices look pretty reasonable.’
Beth checked her watch. ‘You know, that’s not a bad idea…are you sure you’re okay staying?’
‘I am if you are.’
‘Breakfast it is then.’
Frankie got to her feet. ‘What would you like? And I’ll get them because it was my idea, so no arguing. You can pay next time.’
Frankie’s tone left no room for discussion, but it was obvious this was just as big a deal for her as it was for Beth. ‘Then, thank you. Could I have a bacon and egg sandwich? They’re a bit of a weakness of mine.’
‘Coming right up,’ said Frankie, smiling.
Beth smiled back, remembering a conversation she’d had with Jack the week before. As soon as she’d mentioned the possibility of meeting Frankie again, he’d been adamant that she should, adding the rider that she could stay for as long as she wanted, he’d be quite happy lazing in bed until she got home. If she hadn’t known better, she might have thought he was trying to get rid of her, but she also knew thatheknew she would never go unless she had his blessing. So here she was…with Frankie already assuming they would be meeting again. She rather liked the thought of that.
Her sandwich, when it arrived, was pretty much hanging off the edge of her plate it was so big. But God, it looked good…She glanced down at her lap, at her jeans which were stretched tight across thighs far too big for them really, her stomach rolling over the waistband. ‘I shouldn’t be eating this,’ she said. ‘Every day I tell myself I’ll be good.’
Frankie’s eyes narrowed as she looked down at her own plate. ‘Do you want to be good?’
‘Not particularly, no.’ Beth pulled a face. ‘That’s not strictly true. I’m a nurse, I’m conditioned to worry about my health. But some days I just wantallthe cake.’
Frankie had a rather amused expression on her face. ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she said. ‘But trust me, the grass isn’t always greener…’
‘Maybe not, but you’re so lovely and slim…’ Frankie had the kind of body Beth had always envied – pretty much straight up and down, but for someone like Beth, with far too many curves in all the wrong places, Frankie looked perfect. ‘If I worked in a bakery, I’d be the size of a house. How do you manage to avoid so much temptation?’
‘Would now be a good time to confess that I’ve put on nearly a stone since I started working there?’
‘A stone? Blimey, what were you like before?’ Beth slapped a hand over her mouth, blushing furiously. ‘Sorry, that came out so wrong. But you look gorgeous on it in any case. I’ve always struggled with my weight.’
