Page 25 of The Midnight Bakery
‘Okay, well how about you then?’ Beth retorted, hurt by the unfairness of his remark. ‘You do exactly the same. Except you pretend you don’t. You make out you’re fine with things when you’re not. I can see your jaw clench, Jack. I can hear the slight change of pitch in your voice. The bloody air bristles around you when you’re seething and yet you go out of your way to pretend everything’s okay.’
‘So, ask yourself why I do that… I do it so that you don’t have to deal with any more of my crap than you already do.’
‘Exactly!’ She huffed in exasperation. ‘Likewise. If I keep things from you, it’s because you have to deal with so much crap on an average day, I don’t want to add to the pile you already have to wade through. We’re both protecting each other, so don’t make out this is all my fault. The only thing I’m guilty of here is loving you.’
‘Ditto…’
Beth closed her eyes, trying to keep calm. She should be grateful to hear that Jack loved her, even if he didn’t quite say it, but it almost felt like an accusation.
‘I just don’t want to spend what little time we have together worrying about stuff which might not happen. We made a pact once, remember? To try to carve out a little time each day to actually live, and not just exist.’
‘Except we don’t really do that any more, do we? That bloke today, who brought you home, he wanted to ask me what I did, I could see it in his eyes. He did ask me what we farm, a logical question given what I was reading and where we live. But, when I said “not much” he held back on the real question he wanted to ask, which was “why not?”…So why do other people think me capable of doing something and yet I don’t?’
‘Are you suggesting that’s my fault?’
‘I’m not suggesting it’s anyone’s fault.’ Jack’s tone was mild, and she hated when he did that. You only needed to look at the expression on his face to know he was deliberately keeping it that way. He raised his eyebrows. ‘And, yes, straight after my accident, I couldn’t have coped. I’ll be the first to admit that I was happy to don the “Jack’s disabled” label, but however angry and frustrated I got, I still didn’t understand that it was a label I could tear off. Maybe now I do.’
‘Jack, we’re talking about the farm. And I know how much you miss it, and dream that things might be different, but we have to face the facts here. It hurt me to hear Tam chatting away with you earlier, because it was a reminder of what can no longer be. It’s too brutal.’
Jack’s mouth tightened into a thin line. ‘Do you really think it takes a perfect stranger to remind me of that? Do you not realise that I think about it every day? Everyminuteofeveryday? How I feel doesn’t go away just because we’re not talking about it. But that’s your trouble, isn’t it? That’s the way you like it. You don’t like talking about it. And thanks for the vote of confidence, by the way. I’m not hearing any words of encouragement from you, any protestations about all the things Icando. You really do know how to make a guy feel useless.’
‘What?’ Beth stared at him in astonishment. ‘That’s a low blow, Jack. When every single day I deal with the reality of what you can’t do.’ She held up a hand. ‘And don’t you darestart accusing me of feeling bitter about it. I don’t. I have never blamed you for what happened, nor do I resent doing what I do, but you do not have the use of your legs, Jack. Nor one arm, to all intents and purposes. There are very real limits to what you can do and believing you can do otherwise is only going to end one way. Why on earth would I let you walk willingly down that path?’
‘Interesting choice of words.’
Beth let out a strangled scream. ‘Don’t try to be clever – you know what I mean. Ordinary everydaylifescrews with your head. I’m not about to let you chase some stupid notion you’ve got into your brain, only to have it blow up in your face. Can you not see what that would do to you?’
‘Isn’t thatmychoice? You treat me like a child, Beth.’
‘Then stop bloody acting like one! You accuse me of hiding stuff from you, but you won’t ever talk about the reason why we stay here – in a house that is ill-equipped for your needs, that haemorrhages money on repairs and heating and is never even warm.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Okay then.’ She gritted her teeth and lifted her chin. ‘I think we should move.’
Jack stared at her, jaw clenched in exactly the same way she’d accused him of earlier.Go on, she willed him,say it.Actually come out and say the thing which lies behind all of this. She held his look, one eyebrow raised in challenge.
Jack raised his. Challenge accepted. ‘I am not selling the farm,’ he said.
‘Exactly…You won’t ever sell this place even though it’s the biggest millstone around our necks, because you’re still harbouring delusions that one day you might get out there again. Accept what happened to you, Jack. I mean,reallyaccept it. Reading your farming books to “keep your mind active…”’ Sheshook her head dismissively. ‘Don’t pretend. Those books don’t help you, they stop you from having to face up to what’s going on here. The dream is over, Jack. And you need to stop hankering after a past which is never going to be your future. And the sooner you do that, the soonerwecan build a new one.’
‘Wow…’ Jack let out a sharp breath of surprise. ‘You reallyhavebeen keeping things from me.’ He blinked rapidly, his mouth shut tight to hold back his emotions. She’d never seen him look so desolate.
He pushed his finger against the control stick of his wheelchair, reversing away slowly, gaze still locked on hers, only spinning around at the last moment. ‘Thanks for that. And keep me posted about the job thing, won’t you? Just so that I can pretend we’re in this thing together.’ There was a moment’s pause and then his chair carried him from the room. ‘You’re wrong, by the way…’
She’d gone too far. Shit…shit. But still she answered, quietly, with tears in her eyes, ‘No, I’m not.’
16
Frankie
Frankie wasn’t due to meet Beth for another fifteen minutes, but the coffee shop door was the closest one to her and she yanked it open, ducking inside and heading towards the rear. She had been on her way to the greengrocer’s, but all thoughts of dinner went out of her mind in an instant. The only thing which mattered was getting off the street.
At that time of the morning the place was quiet, and she had her choice of the tables. She hurried to the furthest and sat down, counting to ten, eyes closed as if that alone could hide her from the world. Not even the world, just the one person who mattered. She was pretty sure he hadn’t seen her, but he was looking, he must have been – why else would he be here?
She prayed that the door behind her remained closed and it was several more minutes before she could rouse herself from the table to check the street outside. She thought she’d caught a glimpse of him the last time she was here with Beth, but she’d convinced herself it was just her head playing tricks on her. It was a game her imagination had played far too often in the past.She thought she was settled, thought those times were over, so why was she seeing him now? There was only one real answer – because this time he was actually here.
She pulled out her phone to check the time and, with one final search of the street, returned to her original seat, her heart still pounding. She’d been so careful, so how did he know where to find her? Only her sister knew where she was and they barely spoke; he would never think to ask her.
