Page 36 of The Midnight Bakery
‘Nostalgia’s a funny thing,’ said Frankie. ‘So warm, and comfortable, yet it takes something from you too, I think. And leaves a bittersweet taste in its place.’ She paused for a moment, eyes warm on his. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way,’ she said. ‘But you’re obviously close to your mum. Couldn’t you go and live with her?’
‘No.’ Tam’s response was emphatic. ‘There’s nothing I’d like more, especially under the circumstances. But it would break her heart…literally.’ He shook his head. ‘I couldn’t take the risk.’
‘Break her heart…? Why would it do that?’
‘Because she doesn’t know what happened,’ said Tam, his gaze dropping to the floor. ‘And if she knew, the shock might be too much. She still thinks I live in my little cottage, running my horticultural business. Despite her medication, her blood pressure is too high and every day it edges her closer to a heart attack or another stroke. So, I see her twice a week. I bring the shopping and together we drink tea and eat cake and talk about the pretend life that I’ve woven to hide the truth. Sometimes my stories about my work, its plants and its customers, are so real, I almost believe them myself.’ He shrugged to hide his shame. ‘But I’ll continue to tell them, because it’s as much about ensuring my mum’s happiness as it is a reminder that one day I’ll have that life again. I only hope we have enough time left for that to happen.’
‘But she’s your mum,’ said Frankie gently. ‘She’d understand, surely?’
‘She would,’ replied Tam. ‘But I don’t want to ask her to. I want her to still believe in me, be proud of me. How stupid is that? At my age? Plus, she thinks the world of Chris – we grew up together.’
‘It’s not stupid at all,’ replied Frankie. ‘No one wants to let down those they love, do they? Except that sometimes we have a choice to make. We either let someone else down, or we let ourselves down. And sometimes the only way to save ourselves is to let others think badly of us.’
Tam looked up, caught by something in the tone in Frankie’s voice, as if she was no longer speaking about him. He opened his mouth to ask if she was okay, but she turned away abruptly and disappeared into the storeroom.
‘I’m still listening,’ she called. ‘And you do realise that you don’t owe Chris anything? You certainly don’t owe him your mum’s good opinion of him. I think your mum would surprise you. I think she’d be horrified at what Chris did and any goodwill she had towards him would evaporate in an instant. Mums are like that – they go all mumma bear when anything threatens their kids, even if those kids areverygrown up. You’re still her child. I reckon she’d be firmly on your side and probably quite cross that you hadn’t told her. She’d have wanted to help, you see.’
‘Perhaps…’ Tam sighed. ‘But the doctors warned me that she shouldn’t get stressed, or unduly upset. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to her because of me.’
‘I get that. But you also have to live with the knowledge that you’re not being truthful with her, and that doesn’t square with a man who believes in integrity, who literally gave up everything he had so that no one else would suffer as a result of his actions.’
A sad smile crossed Tam’s face. ‘Andthatis exactly why I don’t tell her.’
21
Beth
Beth had given Frankie’s advice a great deal of thought, and although she and Jack were speaking to one another again, there was a space between them which hadn’t been there before. Or, perhaps there had been and she’d never noticed it, or allowed herself to, for fear of what she might find there.
They had talked a few times since their argument. Only a little – an agreement not to apportion ‘blame’ and an understanding that both their stances had arisen out of their love for one another, a desire to care and protect – but the conversations were still guarded, and Beth knew it would take a while to convince Jack that she was truly sorry for the wounds she’d inflicted. She also recognised, privately, that saying sorry was not enough; she needed to prove her remorse. And the thought of what that might mean terrified her.
Her head was so full of thoughts as she left the hospital, she scarcely noticed the streets she was walking through, and was surprised how soon she found herself beside her car. Keys in hand, she stopped, because she had been weighing up the prosand cons of a decision all the way there, and now it was time to act on it. Or not. With a tut, she retraced her steps and headed towards Tam’s car. If he was still asleep then she would leave him be, but if not…
As it was, he waved before she could get close enough to check.
‘Sorry, I wasn’t sure if you’d be awake,’ she said as she drew level with the rear window.
‘Pondering the great mysteries of life,’ replied Tam, opening his eyes wide as if to stretch out the muscles.
‘Oh those,’ said Beth, smiling. ‘Slippery little devils, aren’t they? Did you come to any conclusions?’
Tam shook his head. ‘Not a one.’
Beth was suddenly lost for words. How did she say what she wanted to without admitting how much she’d got wrong? She blinked. Actually, what she really needed to dowasadmit how wrong she’d been. She needed to do it over and over again until she stopped believing she was always right. Hadn’t that been the problem all along?
She cleared her throat. ‘The other day when you came to my house…and I was a complete cow…’
Tam touched a finger to the corner of his mouth and Beth had the distinct impression it was to flatten the smile which wanted to appear. She continued. ‘I didn’t like it when you and Jack started chatting, because I didn’t want anyone encouraging him to think about the part of his life he’d had to leave behind. But I was wrong. And clearly you thought so too.’
‘Did I?’ Tam pulled a face. ‘Oh dear…I hadn’t thought I was quite so obvious. I did my best to hide it.’ But then he smiled, making it easier for her. He was a good man.
‘Well, you were right, and I wanted you to know that. I also wanted – although I’ll understand completely if you say no – to ask for your help.’
Tam studied her face, as if he were peeling back the layers of an onion to see if there was anything different inside. The intensity made Beth feel a little uncomfortable, but she held her ground. Tam had to know that she was genuine. Suddenly, his features changed. His brows relaxed, his eyes crinkled, and his mouth curved upwards into a generous smile.
‘I’m very grateful to you,’ he said. ‘Do you know that because of your kind words about me, Frankie brought me out a flask of tea and a hot-water bottle? To thank me for doing a friend of hers a kindness. So you see, we seem to have come full circle, and the debt of goodwill is now mine to repay. What can I help you with?’
A circle of kindness…Beth liked the sound of that. ‘I wondered if you might like to come and chat to Jack again. Only this time toencouragehim to think about the farm and its future. Either now – with the offer of a shower, breakfast and anything else you might need – or whenever else might suit you. Stupidly, I’ve only just begun to realise that the farm is a part of Jack; he can no more deny it than he can breathing…’ She trailed off, feeling the familiar burning sensation that heralded the arrival of tears.
