Page 61 of The Midnight Bakery
‘Within a year we were married, against everyone’s better judgement, it seemed, but somehow that made us even more determined to make a go of things. And that’s the part where being too young took its toll,’ he continued. ‘If we’d listened to each other, focused on what we had rather than what we didn’t, we’d have been okay. But we didn’t, and I’ll never forgive myself for not being strong enough back then. We were both working, but folks didn’t go to university when I was young, not like they do now, so neither of us had what my dad would have called prospects. She was working in a shop, and I was labouring for a guy I knew. Money was tight, very tight. We’d both sunk everything we could into getting a place of our own, and to start with it was great fun – weren’t we the bee’s knees? – but then, while all our friends were out partying and having a rare old time, we were stuck home night after night. It didn’t take much for us to be seduced by the lure of something different, something we thought, wrongly, was better than what we had.
‘We both started going out, drinking, spending money we didn’t have, and it didn’t take long for the debts to start piling up. Before we knew it, the life we had, the good life, was teetering on the edge. Trouble was, the guy I was labouring for was nice enough, but his view of what was right and what was wrong was a little blurred around the edges. He wasn’t that bothered where he made his money, or who from, and so, after a while, neither was I. I was stupid, I know that now, but I was also desperate, and one thing led to another and…it was petty stuff really, but I ended up in prison for burglary. Not that I’m condoning what I did, far from it…’
He risked a glance at Frankie, but she still wore the same kind expression she’d had when he’d started. If she was shocked, or disgusted, she hid it well.
‘I was only in for a few months, but when I got out I discovered Louise was pregnant.’
Frankie’s hand had strayed to the middle of her chest, right over her heart. ‘The baby was yours, though?’ she asked.
‘Oh yes, Louise would never…and the dates fitted, but…it wouldn’t have mattered. Louise was my wife, the baby was my responsibility.’
William dropped his head, staring at the lump of dough in front of him before driving his fist into it. He looked up immediately, ashamed of his anger, but Frankie simply held his gaze, her eyes full of empathy, of understanding. She thought she understood, but she didn’t, not yet. William’s head dropped even lower as he was engulfed in a tide of emotion he’d kept at bay for years. He swallowed.
‘When I went to prison, I left Louise on her own with no money to speak of and…I don’t think she’d been looking after herself very well, hadn’t been to half the check-ups she should have and…I’m not saying it was her fault at all, but her blood pressure was sky-high. She developed pre-eclampsia and died shortly after giving birth.’
He wasn’t even aware that Frankie was no longer sitting at the table until he felt her behind him, one arm gently turning him round so that she could reach up to lace her fingers around the back of his neck, softly cradling his head and bringing it to her shoulder.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, inches from his ear. ‘So, so sorry.’
He stayed like that for some time, at first unable to move from under his grief. Grief that was almost as fresh as the dayhe’d first worn it. But shame came all too soon. There was so much more she didn’t know.
‘That isn’t all,’ he managed. ‘I have something else to tell you.’
She nodded. ‘Okay then, but come and sit down before you fall down. Much as I’d like to, I don’t think I can catch you and hang on.’
He looked up, catching her eye, seeing her smile as she repeated the same words he’d said to her.
She waited until he was sitting opposite, before sliding a hand across the table to take his. ‘Go on,’ she said.
William licked his lips, his mouth dry. ‘The baby was only tiny – he’d been born too early, you see, when they rushed Louise into hospital. I was worried about him, but it never even occurred to me thatshemight die. In my naivety I thought everything would be okay. I promised I’d look after her, her and the baby, make everything right again, but then I lost her and…the baby needed so much care, I couldn’t…’ William broke off, his voice wavering. He swallowed. ‘I couldn’t cope, I was so scared. I knew I didn’t have it in me to look after him so I took off. I left him.’
‘I don’t suppose it was that simple,’ said Frankie gently. ‘These things never are.’
But William shook his head. ‘No, it was. I was a coward. She had a sister, Louise did, and I knew that she, or someone, would look after the baby, so I ran, went overseas…I worked on the rigs for years, the kind of life that cuts you off from everything. I kidded myself it was the best for everyone concerned, but I didn’t even stop to find out, so how would I know?’
He hardly dared to look at Frankie, even though he was very aware that she was studying him intently. Studying him but saying nothing.
‘I wanted children,’ she said after a moment. ‘Desperately. But Robert didn’t so that was that. He pretended he did, for a while, but there was always a good reason why we should wait – until we had a bigger house, until he got the promotion he wanted, until he knew our finances were secure…but now I know it was just pretence. He didn’t want them because they would have messed up his perfect life, but also, of course, because it would have meant sharing me, and he wasn’t prepared to do that under any circumstances. Now I’m glad we didn’t have children. What kind of life would they have had living with a monster like him?’
‘They would have had you.’
Frankie shook her head. ‘I wouldn’t have protected them the way I should have. I believed Robert’s lies, even about myself – especially about myself. He’d have been able to control them just as he did me. So although I grieved the loss of ever being a mother, perhaps it’s better that those children never existed than to have caused them irrevocable damage. Sometimes what we’re convinced is wrong can turn out to be right.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘What I’m trying to say is that perhaps youdidmake the right decision. And what you see as your desertion, this terrible, shameful thing, has actually given your son a life he could never have had with you…Although I’m very aware that that in itself is a terrible burden to bear.’
She gave a weak smile, quiet for a moment as she watched him, her head cocked to one side. He saw clearly the moment when she realised that wasn’t the end of his story. Her eyes widened, a quick intake of breath whistling between her teeth. ‘You know, don’t you?’ she said. ‘You know what kind of life he’s had?’
‘I made a promise,’ he said. ‘And, eventually, when I got my head out of my arse I came back home to see what I could do about keeping it. And what I found was that my son was turningout to be just like me, wasting away his life, mixing with the wrong sort, making stupid decisions…I don’t know why I was surprised; they say the apple never falls far from the tree.’
‘Oh, William…’ Frankie’s eyes were warm on his. ‘What did you do?’
‘Kept my distance, for one thing. I’d been no part of his life for the first eighteen years so I reckoned I had no right to be a part of it then. But I kept my eye on him, saw which way his life was heading…and then tried to do something about it. Stupid, is what it was.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m a bad bet, Frankie. I don’t make good decisions.’
Her brow furrowed. ‘What happened?’
‘I tried to be clever. Thought if I put myself in the way of something my son had got involved in, I could make it all right. But I should have known better. He’d got friendly with a couple of local lowlifes – you know, the kind who flogged dodgy TVs and laptops from the back of a van on a Saturday night. He was doing a bit of driving for them and I figured that ifIdid a bit of driving for them, he wouldn’t have to. As it turned out, they were doing a bit more than flogging gear, they were nicking it too. I got caught and done for possession of stolen goods.’
Frankie nodded. ‘I think I can see where this is going.’
William nodded too, realising he probably didn’t need to say any more, but having come this far he didn’t want there to be any grey areas that could be left open to interpretation. It was all or nothing. He wanted Frankie to hear the words, to know exactly what had happened so there would never be any misunderstandings. And at least she was still holding his hand…
