Page 68 of The Midnight Bakery
‘No, you haven’t,’ admonished Frankie. ‘I couldn’t have faced Robert today without you, and I wouldn’t have even considered doing so a couple of months ago. I’d have turned tail and run, just like I have in the past. You’ve made a big difference to my life, Beth, and don’t you forget it. There’ll be a way through this, I know there will.’
‘I hope so…’ Beth dashed a hand against her face, but even as she did so more tears began to fall. Frankie got one last look at her anguished face before she rushed away.
William was still holding Frankie’s hand, albeit under the table, and he gave it a silent squeeze. Neither of them knew what to say. Eventually, Frankie loosened her hand, pulling it reluctantly away.
‘I guess I’d better get home too,’ she said. ‘Although I don’t much feel like sleeping either.’ She made to stand but then sat back in her seat, feeling the pull of William’s presence. There was so much she needed to say to him. To thank him for being there for her today. For all the days he had been there for her. Her wrist was already feeling a lot better, and it wouldn’t be long before she could fully resume her duties at the bakery. What would happen if she told him how much she would miss having him there? What would happen when the bakery sold and the only job she could find meant she had to work during the day? Would she even see him at all? But mostly what she wanted to say was how easily William had become a part of her life, and the thought of that changing was…She drew her thoughts to a close and leaned against his shoulder.
‘Is your head as full as mine?’ she asked. ‘I feel as if it’s about to explode.’
‘Probably,’ he replied. ‘Nothing’s simple, is it?’
She closed her eyes. ‘And yet it should be,’ she said. ‘I feel like it wants to be, but somehow we’re all still…I don’t know, stuck? Is that the word I’m looking for?’
‘It’s one word, certainly. And I’m not sure I have a better one.’ He smiled and took her hand. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you home.’
The sun had appeared since they’d been in the coffee shop, bathing the street ahead in a gentle glow, warming the mellow stone of the buildings and bringing the faded winter colours to life. It was how she felt – as if some part of her had been reawakened. It was the first time she had walked through this town without any thoughts of Robert in her head, and sherealised that to some degree or other he had always been there. Like a shadow – sometimes in front of her, sometimes behind, but always present no matter where she stood. Now he was gone it was as if she could see the world differently.
The bakery and her flat wasn’t far now; it would take perhaps a minute more to reach it.
‘William, don’t go…’ She met his eyes. ‘Sorry. This is going to sound really stupid, but I don’t want to be on my own, I don’t know why. Normally when my head feels this way, I crave solitude, but today…And I’m not very good at this…’ She held up the hand which was still attached to William’s. ‘It’s been a long time since I thought myself a part of anything.’
‘Me too,’ said William. ‘I’ve been in prison for the last nine years, remember?’ The edges of his eyes were crinkling. ‘Don’t underestimate what you did this morning,’ he said, his head tipped to one side. ‘You’ve said goodbye to a big part of your life, and while that might feel good, it’s also left behind an empty space, which is what you’re feeling now. It won’t take long for it to fill back up again though, and this time it will be with good stuff.’
He stopped to study her face, but whereas she had always hidden herself from Robert’s gaze, hating the cloying, claustrophobic weight of it, William’s look was warm summer sun and the touch of a light, refreshing breeze. There was room to grow beneath it.
‘Then will you come in with me?’ she asked. ‘Say if you’d rather go home.’
But William shook his head. ‘I don’t want to be on my own either,’ he said. ‘I don’t think I can possibly drink any more coffee, but a cup of tea would be nice. As would several of your pastries…What would be really nice, though, is several more hours of your company. No expectations, just…’
‘Breathing in and out…getting used to being with someone.’
He nodded, a slow smile working its way up his face. ‘Breathing in and out…I can do that.’
Frankie watched as a shaft of sunlight travelled the wall in her living room. She and William were shoulder to shoulder on the sofa, feet up on the coffee table, comfortable and safe, yet still her brain would not cease its endless chatter. They had talked for almost two hours. She had told him some more about her life with Robert, and he had told her about Louise and the dreams he once had as a much younger man. But mostly they talked about their present, about Beth, and Tam, and the situation they were all in. The past was behind them, feeling more and more distant with every passing day, and yet the future was still such an uncertain place, it was hard to see a way into it.
‘I can hear your thoughts whirring from here,’ muttered William. He nudged her elbow and Frankie smiled.
‘Sorry, I shall ask them to keep the noise down.’ The sun was almost halfway across the wall now. ‘I was just wondering what you’re going to do,’ she added.
William squinted across at her. ‘I wasn’t planning on doing anything much. Your sofa’s way more comfortable than mine.’
‘I meant about your job. About Stuart, and your son.’ He had some difficult decisions to make, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the outcome.
‘Ah…’ William let out a long, slow breath. ‘About my job – try to find a new one, I think. Apart from how much I’m enjoying being a baker, I’m going to find it almost impossible to stay on at the club. And about Stuart…nothing.’
Frankie craned her neck to look at him. ‘Nothing?’ She looked back at the golden light on the wall. Might they be able to face the future together?
William looked up at her. ‘I’ve thought about this every which way I can, and I can’t risk it, Frankie. Not now. You don’t mind throwing things away when you’ve got very little to lose but…I don’t want to lose the things I have now.’ He paused. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’ He had the warmest brown eyes.
‘I don’t want to belost.’ She laid her head on his shoulder. ‘But surely if you went to the police and explained, they would listen. Just because you have a criminal record doesn’t mean they won’t take you seriously. Or am I just being incredibly naive?’
‘I was done for possessing stolen goods, Frankie. And I served nine years. I’ve been out less than one. I should be as far away from anything illegal as I can be.’ He paused a moment, looking down at his hands. ‘I haven’t told you this but a few weeks back Stuart offered me cash in hand to help him out at a mate’s party. To help the guests have a good time, was how he put it. And I’m pretty certain the mate wasn’t actually a friend in the traditional sense, more like someone Stuart was keen to oblige…for financial gain. My guess is that he’s been holding illegal poker games, or something very similar. I should have mentioned it before, but it’s linked in with all the rest of it and…’ He held up a hand in a helpless gesture. ‘I refused, but as you can imagine that didn’t go down all that well. Stuart doesn’t like people who say no to him and he can cause a lot of trouble for me. One word in Danny’s ear and I’ll be out of a job. So, doing what I have been – checking out the score with Stuart – has been a kind of insurance policy, so thatIhave something on Stuart, if he decides to invent something aboutme…What I don’t know, however, is if Danny has any knowledge of the things Stuart has been up to. My first impression is that he doesn’t, but what if he does? I don’t like the idea of Stuart getting away with what he’s been doing, but I have to face an unassailable fact – eithermy son is mixed up in something illegal, or he’s innocent. Either way, my taking action could cause me irreparable harm.’
‘Caught between a rock and a hard place,’ she said, lifting her head to look at him. ‘I know you want the best outcome for your son, but isn’t there some way you can speak to Danny? Let him know what you’ve found out, at least give him the chance to prove himself innocent, if that’s what he is? Then at least you’d know. Maybe now’s the time to let him know who you are.’
William’s response was instant. ‘No,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘When I came back here I never imagined for one minute I’d get a job working at Danny’s club, but when the opportunity came up I thought it was like a sign, or something, that I was in the right place to finally come good on my promise. But you were right, Frankie, I was acting out of guilt because I thought putting something right in his life would make up for all the wrong I’d done to him. I’ve been using that promise as a crutch for all these years. I’ve been allowing it to feed my guilt, keeping it nice and fresh and kidding myself that I needed it to give my life a purpose, a reason to carry on. But if I let go of my guilt, and give my life new purpose, then I no longer have need of the crutch that used to prop it up.’ He swallowed, his fingers sliding into hers. ‘I don’t deserve to be a part of Danny’s life, and I simply have to accept that. After all, he’s never made any attempt to find me, has he?’
Frankie thought about his words for a moment, feeling the sorrow behind them but knowing that they also held the truth. ‘But then he’ll never know the sacrifice you made for him.’
