Page 113 of The Trade Deadline
“I dunno,” Ryan drawled. “I prefer your mouth open.”
That startled a laugh from him. “Are you flirting with me right now? I need comfort and moral support, and you’re making inappropriate advances.”
“I’m not good at that stuff, but I’mgreatat inappropriate advances.”
Lars smiled, and he was sure Ryan was, too.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed. “I was mic’d.”
“Jesus—Lars!”
“I know,” he whined. “It was dumb.”
“That’s not going to be easy to deny,” Ryan said slowly, like he was inviting Lars to prove him wrong. “What does Monroe want you to do?”
“No idea. Thompkins said they would do whatever I wanted.”
“And you have no idea what you want.”
A brief flash of the future. One where he could hold Ryan’s hand in public and they could meet each other’s families but introduce each other as their boyfriend instead of an ex-teammate. Where people didn’t trade them away from each other because that was messed up and they’d know it. A world where the next time he won the Cup, he’d get to hold it up with Ryan, because they were still on the Crabs and had done it together.
And just like that, the bubble burst and he was forced to acknowledge it as a fantasy. What he wanted most in that scenario was Ryan, ideally on the Crabs with him, and the latter was nearly impossible. People rarely went back to teams that had traded them. It wasn’t like Lars needed to be out to be with Ryan, either; they’d managed fine before. It was really that he needed to get his head out of his ass and tell Ryan hewantedto continue being with him and thenput in the effortto make it happen.
“You still with me?” Ryan asked gently.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m here. No, I don’t know what I want. I know some things, obviously.”Like everything that has to do with you.“Still no clue how to handle this.” A pause. “You’re not out, either. What would you do?”
Ryan sighed heavily. “You want a real answer?”
“Yes.” He was kind of scared to hear it, but Ryan was in a unique position of understanding his situation more than Mormor or Thompkins or anyone, since he was living it, to a degree.
“Honestly? I don’t know. It seems like a lot to take on, all the attention. And I get moved around so much, I’d worry about ending up in a place like Portland, or maybe a team doesn’t want me at all because it’s too much trouble with the media. But…I assumed if I were ever serious about a relationship, man or woman, I wouldn’t want that to be something I’d have to hide. I’ve neverbeenin that kind relationship.” Lars flinched, feeling his own words hurled back at him. “So I guess if there were maybe a guy I wanted to openly date, I’d consider it. Maybe. Screaming it at a former teammate during a nationally broadcast game while I’m mic’d up isn’t the way I’d go about it, personally, but you’ve always had more flair for that sort of thing.”
“I can be dramatic,” he acknowledged, nodding solemnly and forgetting that Ryan couldn’t see him. “I don’t think this is a door I can open,” he said. “I didn’t mean to accuse them of anything. Even if it’s true, Mackey isn’t going to let me do that without firing shots back. I just want to play hockey. Why does it matter who I am as long as I’m not, like, murdering puppies or something?”
“How did our serious, heartfelt conversation get to puppy murder?”
“It happens.”
“Not with anyone else, it doesn’t.” A pause. “You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah.” He was going to hang up soon, so Lars scrambled to think of something to say to keep him on the line a little longer. “You’re number six now. Did you pick it?”
“Yeah, actually.” He sounded pleased.
“Can I ask why you picked it?”
“I’m the youngest of six,” Ryan said simply. “My mom always says it’s her lucky number. Like the family wasn’t complete until me. Dunno. It’s dumb but I liked it when she said it when I was a kid.”
“It’s not dumb. That’s kinda cute.” Ew, was he being sentimental?
“Hey, I gotta go. The bus is waiting on me. I wanted to check in and…”
And he’d done that, and now they’d go back to awkward silence via text message and drift further apart.
“...we’re in town in a week, right? So I was wondering if I could…maybe…see you? Before the game?”
It was like the wind had been knocked out of him. Lars had completely forgotten that they would play the Otters again. After years of facing Anders twice a season, the third had slipped his mind. This time it brought with it the awful prospect of playing against Ryan. Lovely.
