Page 112 of The Trade Deadline
His phone was garbage. There were so many notifications it would be impossible to go through them all. Even as he tried to clear them, more replaced them instantly. He would have to make a decision, make a statement of some sort where he denied or accepted what he’d said, or pieces of it. He’d have to call his agent and get Max’s help, maybe schedule a meeting with…he didn’t even know who. But right now, there were only two voices he wanted to hear and one he didn’t think he had much right to at the moment.
“Lillen.” His mormor picked up on the first ring, expectant. She tsked in that half-scolding, half-sympathetic way, not unlike if she caught him staying up late or stealing snacks. “How are you doing?”
“You know?”
She’d have been watching, of course, but there’d been some hope viewers hadn’t heard anything and the team hadn’t released the audio from his mic. Safe from the world at large until someone who’d been there spread it.
“Yes,” she said apologetically. “You were quite loud. We couldn’t make out all of it, but enough.”
Lars had suspected this; it didn’t make it any easier to hear.
“No one on the Crabs is saying anything,” she went on, “but several players on the Prowlers apologized. They won’t admit that’s why you left, because of course they won’t, but they’ve acknowledged that’s why you felt you had to leave and they understand their behavior after the fact was uncalled for. Months too late, but perhaps they’ll learn something from it after all.”
None of his teammates on the Prowlers had come across as homophobes or bigots, but they all knew the GM was an old-fashioned asshole. It would seem completely possible that Mackey would give a player the boot for not fitting into the proper mold, even one of Lars’s caliber. Whatever they’d imagined as his reason for bailing, he didn’t know, but it was a little gratifying to hear they were ashamed now.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed. “I can ignore what I said or I can admit it.”
“You never planned to come out, I think,” she said gently.
“No. It was none of their business, and I thought it would make it harder for me. Itdidmake it harder.”
She hummed in acknowledgement.
“It has nothing to do with hockey except when theymakeit. I just want to play. And kiss boys.”
“Sometimes at the same time,” she teased, then became serious again. “I don’t think you can unsay it, Lillen, but if you don’t want to be the focus of your life, then you’d best ignore it until it blows over. But if you think maybe it’s time to be more open with that part of yourself, then I think you’re with the right team to try it.”
He was quiet as he thought about it. “What do you think I should do?” There was a pleading note he couldn’t quite hide, and she chuckled.
“No, this isn’t my decision. There are pros and cons to each, yes? Only you can know what’s best for you. You’re a smart boy when you’re not fighting people. You’ll know what to do.”
He wished he had her confidence.
They chatted a little more about anything but hockey, his mormor no doubt knowing it would soothe him. It did until he hung up and was alone once more with his thoughts. He imagined both worlds: the one where he openly acknowledged his sexuality and the responsibility that came with it; the one where he brushed off what he said, denied it all and made everyone focus on his playing.
He hadn’t made any decisions when his phone rang.
To be fair, it had rung a couple times already, but a cursory glance at an unknown number had him ending them all. This time he looked and he felt like he’d swallowed his heart.
Incoming call: Ryan.
“Ryan,” he breathed as he accepted the call. “Hi.”
“Hey.”
It was him, it was really him. Fuck, he’d missed Ryan’s voice.
“I uh…I heard what happened,” Ryan said. “You okay?”
How can I not be okay when we’re talking again?
Oh, right.
“I’ve been better.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. “I wish you’d been there. You would’ve kept me from losing my shit like that.”
“Not possible. I’m sure they deserved it.”
“The cross check? Yes, Zigs deserved it, but I mean you would’ve made sure I kept my mouth shut.”
