Page 67 of The Trade Deadline
“Jesus,” Ryan muttered as Vorny and Pavel sauntered in. The illusion of privacy vanished with their loud arrival. There was a hint of unease in the way Ryan kept his gaze down, so Lars decided to check his flirting. It was for the best: if he was actually going to learn anything from the Portland incident, it should be to keep it together at practice and games. In the privacy of their free time, well, then it was only Ryan’s business what Lars decided to say.
He’d allowed his excited embarrassment to get the better of him today; he’d have to show he could do better.
He slid down the bench a few inches so there was a more obvious gap between them. “Video games again tonight?” he asked hopefully but was unsurprised when Ryan shook his head.
“Maybe not a good idea,” he said apologetically. “This is…a lot.”
It was. It was already a lot when he’d thought it was an issue of Ryan’s self-confidence and being teammates. It’d become more complicated in the face of Switzerland and the way Ryan no doubt thought it justified his low self worth.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Lars said with a wink.
“You’re literally getting on a plane tomorrow night and going to Anaheim. And then Houston before Baltimore?—”
“Ha!” Lars leaned over to gently slap Ryan’s knee. “You know what I mean.”
The rest of the day, Lars got the distinct impression Ryan was avoiding him. It reminded him of when he’d first come to Baltimore and Ryan had maintained a fake-but-strained good humor with him. At least this time he understood the motivation behind it, and maybe even applauded his effort to maintain space while the world slowly fell back into place after last night. Honestly, Lars didn’t have the self-control to pull it off right now, so good on Ryan for doing it for them.
On the bright side, it gave Lars the chance to talk to other teammates, to wheedle out of them more details about Ryan. He wasn’t too aggressive about it, mostly nudging the conversation to the past couple seasons. Leading questions that told him more about Ryan as a player, or sometimes general questions about Ryan’s hobbies and interests where he could glean details about him as a person. Some of what they said confirmed things he’d noticed—Ryan’s favorite pregame meal, his taste in music, his work with local youth teams. Others were delightful new tidbits: the battered Montana Mustangs jersey from his youth that he wore to one practice as a joke, the Crabs blazer a fan made for him and that he wore to fan appreciation night at the end of the season, the time he missed a week because his mom was in a car accident.
It was all soRyan, and Lars delighted in it.
It was almost like being drunk, the bubbly nerves that were a living, breathing thing in his chest. He’d been so sure only a month ago that he could keep his crush under control, not stoke the flames, and let it burn out on its own. Too late, he’d realized it was never going to work. Now he had to do the best he could with the consequences of his actions while wanting nothing more than to know what it was like to kiss Ryan Russell one more time.
Despite Ryan avoiding him all day, it was some mutual finangling that had them alone on the elevator ride back up to their rooms hours later. The anticipation had made Lars cautious, like he had to use this private moment wisely.
“I don’t know if this helps,” Lars said once they passed the third floor and neither had spoken, worried Ryan wouldn’t hear him out, “but my wanting to kiss you isn’t related to hockey. Sometimes watching you play is sexy as fuck, but that’s really just becauseyou’resexy. Even if you did play as badly as you think you do—which you don’t, by the way—that wouldn’t change anything for me. And I’m sorry if what happened after Geneva made you think that.”
Ryan didn’t react. He didn’t breathe or blink, only the small vein bulging in his neck giving away how very hard he was working to not react.
“But,” Lars continued, “I am still interested. In you. As much as you’d be up for. Even if it’s just movies on the plane and video games on road trips and the occasional dinner at Rangoons.”
“You sure?” Ryan asked softly. “That you’re interested in me, I mean.”
The dramatic part of him, the one that always showed up versus the Otters or for Team Sweden, wanted to press the emergency stop on the elevator. Because how could he be expected to let Ryan say shit like that and notdosomething? He reeled in the impulse, settling for stepping right in front of Ryan and invading his personal space.
“I’ve met you twice, yes? And both times, you mesmerized me. We’re on our third try, aren’t we? What’s that saying?”
“Three strikes and you’re out?” Ryan said flatly.
Lars huffed indignantly. This stupid language. “Third time’s the charm.”
The elevator pinged and came to a less-than-smooth stop on their floor. When the doors swished open, cool air greeted them and effectively let out the stuffy tension that had been building since the lobby.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Lars said as he stepped out, hands in his pockets like he was relaxed and not about to have a heart attack, “you know where to find me.” And with a monumental effort, he made himself walk away.
Chapter22
Ryan
Ryan had donea lot of difficult things in his life. Getting through high school while doing travel hockey had been one, for sure. All the years of training, the mental pressure and physical fatigue. Moving away from his whole family at nineteen to live across the country. Being traded mid-season. Twice. Despite his constant surprise that he had made it to the NHL, he could at least pat himself on the back for the work he put in to get there.
Still, one of the hardest things he’d done in recent memory was watch Lars Nilsson walk away from him. Especially with an open invitation to follow.
Ryan didn’t follow. He wanted to—hereallywanted to—but he couldn’t. He was still processing, and he didn’t want to jump into anything without being sure. If Lars were still on the Prowlers and had propositioned him, Ryan would probably be in Lars’s hotel room right now. The teammate thing put a wrench in things. So did Geneva.
He believed Lars when he said he felt bad about the fallout of Switzerland. He believed that shit beyond Lars’s control had made Ryan an afterthought in that moment, and Ryan didn’t resent that. It was more it highlighted the real problem: they both took their hookups lightly. Ryan knew he’d avoided anything other than one night stands for a reason because he wanted to avoid feelings, and he figured it was similar for Lars. But he was too far gone to do anything with Lars without at leastsomeemotional investment.
And that was scarier than he wanted to admit. It hadn’t hurt at all to have Lars years ago and lose him.
