Page 94 of Drop the Gloves
“And then all season, I’m getting the coaches telling me I gotta play more physical.Be more physical, kid.Use your body.So I do all that, and they’re happy.Great job, kid!Way to knock ‘em down!And then what?Do I end up like Barzy, where I don’t even remember every person I’ve sent to the medical staff?
“And if I don’t say anything to Barzy about how I feel about all this, am I complicit?Does it even fucking matter if I approve or disapprove, because he’s a grown-ass man and not my responsibility?Like, what do I do to get past this?”
The more he spoke, the faster and faster he went until he probably wasn’t making any sense by the end.When he finished, Evan took a few deep but shaky breaths and felt like his heart was about to beat out of his chest.Fuck, it felt good to let that out.
Dalton didn’t look like it’d felt good to hear it.He looked like he’d just watched a train wreck and was now expected to help pull bodies from the wreckage.After thirty seconds of silence, he put his beer on the nightstand next to the bed and crossed his arms over his chest.
“That was a lot.”
Evan buried his face in his hands.“Fuck.Yeah, it was.”
“You feel better?”
Evan peeked between his fingers.“A little?”
“Good.So here’s the thing.You’re not Barzy’s babysitter.None of us are.Yeah, as his linemate, you might have to step in and help now and then, but nothing he does is your fault.Don’t take on the burden of his behavior, past, present, or future.You guys play very different styles of hockey, and you both do it well.Stop overthinking things.”
“I wish,” Evan grumbled.
Dalton gave him a sympathetic look.“Sorry, bro.I don’t have any better advice on this one.Unless you want to talk to Barzy about it.”He paused, waiting for Evan’s firm shake of his head, before he continued.“Would you even feel better if he apologized?Or if you were on a different line?”
“Not really,” he admitted.In August, he would’ve loved that.But since then, Evan had to acknowledge the burden of getting over it was on him.Feathers were going to get ruffled and egos were going to get bruised during games, and the chip on his shoulder might’ve been put there by Riley, but only Evan could take it off.
Honestly, it wasn’t any specific thing that he was upset about.It was the whole situation, the small but steady accumulation of worries and bullshit and stress.Riley could’ve handled everything perfectly from the start, and it wouldn’t have made Evan feel any better about it.
“Then there’s nothing to do,” Dalton continued.“Except, like...play hockey?And I get where Coach Jack and them are coming from.Sometimes I see you looking like you’re scared of your shadow, but lately you’ve looked a lot more confident.It started with being more physical, sure, but you haven’t hit anyone in a few games, right?You still look better than you did in pre-season.”He put up his hands.“I’m not trying to say you looked bad, by the way.It’s not a hockey thing so much as an attitude thing.Youlooklike you’re an NHL player and not a rookie.”
“Thanks?”Evan said, unsure if it was a compliment.
“You’re welcome?”Dalton said with the same uncertainty.“For real, bro.You’ve been doing great.You’re earning that contract they gave you.”
“Yeah?”
“Totally.”He bit his lip.“Do you think it’s got anything to do with your guy friend?”
Evan blushed and turned away so maybe Dalton wouldn’t notice.
“I know that’s not what you’re here to talk about,” Dalton said.“But I hope things are going well with your guy.”
They were, and they weren’t, but Evan didn’t want to go into that in case he said something incriminating.“You know how it is,” he said vaguely.“What about you and Jennie?”
Dalton lit up.“She’s thebest.”
Evan did open and almost finished his beer as he repaid the favor and listened to Dalton.Not that Dalton had any problems except travel.He gushed and gushed about his girlfriend.Evan kind of envied him for how simple things were for him.Maybe one day Evan would figure his shit out, and he’d be able to brag about his boyfriend without worrying about all the other baggage that went along with said boyfriend.
Maybe.
40
Evan stumbledout of Dalton’s room around 2 a.m., planning to be responsible and go to his own room.
His feet took him to the wrong door.His hand knocked, and his heart let him fall into open arms.Then the rest of his body betrayed him piece by piece, and Evan couldn’t blame anyone but himself.
He never made it back to his own room that night.
Riley
Evan was acting weird.
