Page 81 of Drop the Gloves
“Sorry.No, you can definitely be gay.Like,obviouslyyou’re gay?I’m just surprised you didn’t realize I already knew?—“
“You already knew?Fuck, Amy,Ididn’t know until Ri—“ He cut himself off.Names were a bad idea.His sexuality was his business to share, but having sex with a teammate wasn’t.He trusted Amy, but he shouldn’t make that call without discussing it with Riley first.He certainly wouldn’t appreciate it if their roles were reversed.“I didn’t know I was attracted to men until a couple of months ago.”
Amy blinked at him.Then she topped off both of their glasses of wine as she muttered, “Shit, you’re serious.Jesus, Evan.”
“I can’t believe you knew I was gay and never told me,” he said and laughed, because this was ridiculous.He’d thought he’d have to convince Amy he wasn’t straight, but she’d known the whole time!
“I can’t believe you were gay and didn’t know!”Amy said, laughing too.“That’s too cute.And makes me feel a bit better that you never told me.When we were kids, I thought you didn’t trust me or something.”
“I’ve told, like, one other person ever,” he said.Even though Dalton knew too, that hadn’t felt the same.Amy has known Evan when they were teenagers, years removed from Evan’s internal crisis.Amy knowing meant that it was more real, somehow.“I trust you.”
Her eyes went wide.“That’s so friggin’ sweet.I’m seriously honored.”She held up her wine glass.He raised his too, then they both took a long drink before she asked, “Do you feel better now that someone officially knows?”
Evan traced the brim of his wine glass.“Kind of?I mean, yes, but I’m also confused about how you knew before I did.When did you figure it out?”
“Uh, like, within a week of you moving in?Evan, sweetie...”She reached across the table and squeezed his hand.“My friends hit on you the entire time you lived with us, and not once did you notice.My very hot, very obvious friends.And you were polite and stuff, and yeah, you were oblivious, but it was also clear you weren’t interested atall.”She took her hand back and made a face as she went back to poking at her salad with her fork.“But you were super interested in the neighbor across the street.”
“Neighbor?”What neighbor?He couldn’t remember anyone who— “Oh my God.The basketball player!?”
Amy tapped her nose.“You gave him the biggest puppy-dog eyes.It was so cute.He wasn’t gay, but he was so sweet not to burst your bubble.”
“I wasn’t interested in him,” he said automatically, but when he considered his new, fully understood appreciation of the male form, he did have a lot of mental images of Bobby Knightley without a shirt.“Wow, I had a crush on him.Why didn’t you tell me!?”
“I honestly didn’t think it was possible to have a crush on someone and not know it,” she said.
“Fair,” Evan grumbled and buried his face in his hands.This was not how he’d anticipated this conversation going.“This is so embarrassing.”
“Awww, don’t be embarrassed.No judgment.You never seemed super sexually driven anyway, and this is the type of thing hockey players don’t talk about.It’s a Big Deal, so I totally understand that you maybe didn’t want to analyze it too much if you didn’t have to.Granted, I always thought you didn’t want people to know because you were worried about how it’d affect your career.And it’s not easy to be a queer player in professional hockey, so I didn’t say anything.I mean, look what happened to Lars Nilsson because of it, and no offense, but he’s a much better player than you.It didn’t occur to me that you hadn’t said anything because you didn’t know.”
Evan sighed.“Do you think I should keep it quiet?”
“Honey, you started this conversation with ‘I might be gay’ and not ‘I’m gay.’You should figure that stuff out before you hold a press conference.”
“Yeah, fair.”
“So Carol doesn’t know?”she asked a few minutes later.There was no hint of an accusation, but Evan felt bad anyway.
“I’m...not ready to tell her.My mom’s the best, but I just...”
If Evan got right down to it, it wasn’t really about his mom.His mom would be supportive (whether she already suspected like Amy had, he had no clue), but she’d ask questions.Completely valid questions like what made him figure it out.Which would lead to more questions, and all of those questions pointed to Riley Barczyk.
And Evan was barely ready to confront his sexuality head-on.He absolutely wasn’t ready to tell his mom that he was sleeping with Barczyk.
“I’m not sure what she’d think of the guy I’m hooking up with,” he muttered into his glass of wine.The glass was annoyingly empty, so he poured himself another.“And I don’t understand that whole situation, anyway.”
Amy stared at him as she processed this and said, “You know damn well that sounds intriguing and mysterious.Are you worried she won’t approve of the guy?Because that’s kind of a red flag.Or is it because this is just sex and that’s embarrassing?Because I get that.”
“She—“ He stopped short.What was it his mom had said about Riley?He was a charmer?Riley being a bruiser on the ice wouldn’t bother her—his mom could be old school and appreciated a good enforcer, especially one who could also score.If Evan had gotten over Riley hitting him last season (had he?), she could move past it.So while she would probably never expect the words ‘Mom, I think I’m gay’ to be connected to Riley, that wasn’treallyEvan’s concern.
He had no idea what he was even doing with Riley.Aside from lots of sex, there was no real acknowledgment of what they were.
“It’s complicated,” he said.“It’smostlysex, and it’s kind of casual.”
“Gotcha.Do you wanna talk about it?You mentioned a relationship, but I didn’t know if that was just a segue into the whole gay-thing, or if that’s what you actually wanted to talk about.”
“I do kind of want to talk about him,” Evan said, because he did.The relief of Amy knowing he was gay had taken an enormous weight off his mind.Sharing Riley might help ease that burden more...except the idea of saying it out loud made him nauseous.He wasn’t sure if it was confusion or fear or a selfish desire to keep Riley to himself.“But like I said, it’s complicated.I don’t know how much I could really say.”
“Would it help if I asked questions?That way you could choose what you did or didn’t share.”
