Page 92 of Drop the Gloves
When Baptiste finally got up and was guided off the ice, the arena broke into cheers.Evan joined the other players as they tapped their sticks against the ice or boards.That show of respect for an injured player, teammate or rival, had always gotten to Evan.
But he also knew it wouldn’t be of much comfort to Baptiste that Riley or anyone else was doing it.He didn’t remember what it’d sounded like for him in Philly.He’d been too worried and wanted to get to the medical staff as quickly as possible.Baptiste was probably thinking the same, praying over and overplease don’t be too bad, please let me be okay.
The refs huddled together by the penalty box and determined Riley deserved no penalty for the play, much to the aggravation of the Turkeys and their fans.The Turkeys weren’t a physical team, but Coach Jack deemed it wise to pull back on Riley’s minutes.
“Fucking garbage,” Riley grumbled as Evan and Vassiliev both went out on the ice without him.“What do they think I’m gonna do, hurt the same guy again?”
Hurting people is the problem, yes,Evan thought.
“Maybe they’re worried about retaliation,” Dalton said as he followed, once again Riley’s replacement on wing.Riley looked about to snarl something less than friendly, so Evan stepped between them to guide Dalton to the face-off.
The rest of the game passed in a blur.When they got back to the locker room, there was the usual post-game rundown by the coaches as they stripped off their gear.
And through it all, Riley said nothing.No one said anything about Baptiste, and it pissed Evan off.He was so angry he nearly threw his elbow pad across the room when he took it off.
Thiswas why he hadn’t liked Riley in the first place.Sure, he’d gotten to know him better, and he wasn’t an irredeemable jerk, but he wasn’t some angel.He was callous and took no responsibility for his reckless behavior.Baptiste, Evan, the dozens of others he’d injured—they weren’t a blip on his radar.Riley Barczyk only cared about Riley Barczyk, and if you were on his team, he might pretend to care.
As pissy as he was, Evan knew he was being unfair.He might be trying to spin this as Riley being a jerk, but it was more about Evan’s hurt feelings.Riley wasn’t a complete asshole.He just played an aggressive style of hockey and was unapologetic about it.If Evan didn’t like that about Riley, that was Evan’s problem.
A really big problem, because this was more than the injuries and their careers.Evan realized he didn’t care about the hit in Philly anymore.Yeah, it had sucked, and yeah, he thought it was kind of shitty that Riley didn’t remember or care, but it was hockey.What had he been expecting?A handwritten apology?It wasn’t Riley’s responsibility to care about someone’s hurt feelings on the ice.Reckless as he was, Riley didn’twantto injure anyone.It was an unfortunate side effect of the game, and instead of letting it paralyze him like it did Evan, he embraced that physicality.
No, Evan could let go of the resentment about his shoulder...what he was having trouble with was how much he liked Riley, and what that said about him.Not that he was sexually attracted to him, because that obviously said Evan was some sort of queer, but that he liked Riley romantically.This wasn’t about the sex anymore—that would’ve made it so much easier—and Evan worried if this reflected something about himself.Because it was one thing to accept Riley for his faults, but Evan didn’t know if he could handle those things in himself.
Was he the type of person who might someday send someone into concussion protocol and not bat an eye?Would he someday be desensitized to Riley doing it?
Why could he now accept these things about Riley but not himself?
And that was it, wasn’t it?As angry as he was about the hit to Baptiste and all that other muck about Riley’s playing, Evan was upset at Riley for being so unapologetically Riley.Then here was Evan, apologizing for anything and everything that he did that might make other people uncomfortable.Evan, who couldn’t very well apologize to himself for the discomfort of the past few months.
There was an increasing amount Evan was discovering about himself through Riley, too much to process, and it was easy to think of Riley as the problem.He was the one making Evan confront these uncomfortable truths about himself—his sexuality and kinks, his capacity to be more aggressive, the kind of person he was attracted to—and now that Evan knew this was what was happening, it had him on edge.
And it wasn’t fair to blame Riley for any of it when all he’d done was exist and encourage Evan, but Evan bristled when Riley did his locker room interview after the game.He knew what was coming, and he didn’t want to hear it.He was at max capacity of garbage floating around his brain; the last thing he needed was more.If only he could shut off his ears.
“Could you tell us a little more about the hit to Baptiste?”one reporter asked.Evan braced like he was about to get punched.
Riley ran a hand through his sweat-damp curls.He’d taken off the top half of his gear, nothing on his chest but his gold chain, and left on everything below his waist.Pretty standard for hockey players, but a power move during interviews to show the reporters how invasive it was to come into the locker room.Evan had never had the guts to talk to reporters without at least a shirt on.
“It’s too bad he got hurt on that,” Riley said.“I know I play rough, but I’m never trying to send a guy to the hospital or anything.”
“You have a long history of rough play, as you say,” another reporter said.“Do you ever apologize to opponents afterward?”
Evan looked up so fast his neck hurt.It was like someone had pulled the question out of his head.For a second, he worriedhe’dbeen the one to ask it.
Riley shrugged, flashing a hint of a smile.“Not really?I walk a thin line, sure, but I play hockey.They play hockey.They step onto the ice knowing what’s coming.I don’t apologize when I steal the puck from people or block a shot or do anything that’s part of hockey.I’m not gonna pretend I’m sorry for playing the body.It’s hockey.They literally pay me to do it.”
But what about hurting them?Evan thought, though this time the reporters didn’t pick up on his question.They moved on to other topics, more generic ones that required no thought and never got real answers, while Evan sat there, miserable.
39
Evan’s nightpassed in a blur.He must’ve showered and changed, because the next thing he noticed, he was getting off the bus at the hotel.He might’ve even continued the night in that daze, except Riley was walking over to him with a look that usually meant one of them was going to end up with a dick in their mouth soon.
And it would besoeasy to melt into oblivion with Riley’s help.Forget the storm raging in his head and enjoy a night with his willing teammate...but he’d been doing that for too long.He needed to take a breath and figure out how to stop his head from exploding.
“Rain check?”Evan asked as soon as Riley was close enough.There was a flash of confusion, maybe even hurt, so Evan said the first thing that came to mind.“I promised Dalty we’d hang out.”
Riley’s brow pinched, right between his eyes, and Evan was struck by the impulse to reach out and smooth the crease away.
“Oh.”Riley stuffed his hands in his suit pockets.It was unfair Evan had to keep his distance when Riley always looked so good in his game suits.“You guys were roommates, right?”
