Page 88 of Love Deep
Maybe he’s just thinking he doesn’t want the windows down on a busy street.
He pulls out the cooler from the back of the truck and we head up the falls in thoughtful silence.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask him, as we take a seat on the blue checkered blanket I packed.
“Anything,” he answers.
I hold his gaze as I speak, because I want these words to count. “I was also thinking that I’m really sad you’re leaving. I was thinking how you’ve woken up a part of me I didn’t realize was sleeping. I think you’re a really good man. You’re kind and funny. I’m proud to have known you these last few weeks. Grateful to have called you a friend. And flattered to have had you as my lover.”
He reaches for my face and sweeps his thumb over my cheek. “I wish things were different,” he says. “Not because I’ve regretted these last few weeks, but because things are going to end, and I’m not sure I’m ready.”
A fist tightens around my heart. It’s not just me.
He sighs. “I’ve been trying to think of ways?—”
I press a finger over his lips. “Don’t do that.” I shake my head. “Don’t give me hope.”
He takes my hand from his lips and presses a kiss to my palm. “All we have is hope.”
I shake my head. “After you leave, I have to bury every morsel of hope I have that you might come back. I don’t think I can survive any other way.”
“Oh, Juniper,” he says, his voice a mixture of pity and longing.
He presses his lips against mine and I push my tongue against his. I want all of him. Now. I want to take as much as I can get, in the hopes that it will be too much and I’ll wear it out, whatever this is between us. Because it has to be fleeting. It has to run out. I have to get to the end of it. The alternative is way too heartbreaking. If there is no end to what we have. If it were to go on indefinitely, then what I’m giving up is far more than I can cope with. It’s a life I know I’d be forever happy in. A man who’s perfect for me.
It would mean Fisher is the love of my life. And that’s just unacceptable.
Our kisses are urgent and frantic, as we fumble to undress each other and ourselves. When we’re finally naked, he gently guides me to my back and crawls over me. The warmth of the sun still rests in the ground below us. He presses kisses across my collarbones, one after another, like he wants to give me every last kiss he has.
I’ll take them all.
I try and block out the sound of the falls behind us. It’s a constant reminder of where we are and where he’s going to leave. It’s a ticking clock. A countdown to a time without him.
“Fisher, I need?—”
He cuts me off. “I know,” he says. He’s not going to make me beg. Not now. He needs this as much as I do. He rolls on a condom and pushes into me. He doesn’t need to check if I’m wet. I always am for him. He just needs to fuck me. We both need this.
He moves in and out, above me, our eyes locked. I want to stay like this forever but my body has other ideas. It’s like he has some kind of manual on how to make my body respond. It’s mental, but it’s also physical. Sometimes when I’m with him, it feels like I’m not in control of the sensations inside my body. Like I’m a vessel for Fisher to do with what he wants.
“You feel so good,” he whispers, as he thrusts into me so deep, the air leaves my lungs. “And I’m going to miss you so much. You feel like home,” he whispers, voice rough as he sinks into me, like he’s trying to memorize the way I feel from the inside out. “And I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk away from that.”
The words hit harder than any goodbye could. They crack something open in me.
I swallow the sob threatening to rise. I wanted this to be simple. Fun. Temporary. But he never played by those rules, and now I’m drowning in all the things we’ll never get to be.
“Why couldn’t this just have been about sex and a good time?” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Why couldn’t this be easier?”
His forehead presses to mine, breath catching. “Because then it wouldn’t have meant anything.”
And it did. It means everything. Which is exactly why it hurts so much.
I reach around him and pull him toward me, his chest against mine, our skin pressed together, nothing between us.
This is the last time I’ll feel him like this. I can’t allow myself to think about how he might come back to the Colorado Club again. I won’t do that to myself. Because once tonight is over, Fisher and I are done. If I find out he’s in town, I’ll be avoiding Grizzly’s and his call. I know that it’s going to be tough to watch him leave this time. I’m not going to get through it twice. Once will be torture enough.
THIRTY-ONE
Fisher
