Page 108 of Sweet Vengeance
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Ollie
“I’m so angrywith you,” I tell Cillian, still trying to wrap my head around what happened. When I woke up alone in his bed, I was of course worried about him. He’d been upset before we’d gone to bed, and I hadn’t wanted him to be alone. Then I’d come downstairs and heard him telling his father he would leave his family, walk away from what I know is one hundred percent who Cillian is, and…I realized how much I really don’t want that. At least not for me. If that’s something he one day decides on his own, it would be a different story, but I know him, and if he told his father that tonight, it somehow had to do with me.
“I can tell. You said fuck, like, two times,” he tries to tease.
“This isn’t funny. I’m being serious. I can’t believe you were going to do that!” I head straight for the stairs, heart beating hard and fast. I’m feeling too many emotions, too many to focus on one. Anger, worry, fear. Because he’s right. I can’t believe I said those things and did those things to the leader of a freakingMafiafamily…to my boyfriend’s dad.
I hurry upstairs, Cillian right behind me. It’s not often it’s hard for me to sort through my thoughts like this, not to know why I’m feeling so much.
“Why are we fighting?” Cillian asks, closing his bedroom door behind us.
“How do you not know why?” rushes out of my mouth. “I get it, the why of what you were going to do, and I’m honored, Cillian, that you love me that much. I’m so thankful you do. Still, this isourlife. We’re trying to make this worktogether, and sometimes I feel like you try to jump in and make all the decisions without me andforme.”
“What are you talking about? You’re making all the sacrifices! You’re compromising who you are for me, accepting things you would never accept otherwise, and you’re doing itfor me.”
“But I chose to do that!”
“And I chose to walk away from this life.”
Oh…well, he does have a point there. “It feels different,” I say ridiculously.
“But it’s not.”
“I don’t know, Cillian, but it’s not the same. I’ve chosen what I want, and that’s you, all of you, but you’re trying to change yourself for me. You’re trying to walk away from your family for me.”
“You accepted me murdering someone for you. How is what I do going to affect your dream of being a lawyer? How am I changing your concept of right and wrong?”
“Maybe that’s a good thing. I see the world differently now. I’m still following my dream. I’m helping people. The world isn’t as strict as I always wanted it to be. You helped me see that, and maybe it’s not a good thing to you, but it is to me.”
“Maybe I see the world differently now too.” He shrugs.
“You don’t. Come on, baby. You know that. This is who you are, and I would never ask you to change. You’re not asking me to change…I simply have in some ways. Not all. Believe me, I’ll tell you when I think you’re going too far. But I would never ask you to walk away from your life, from your family. It would kill you to lose them, and I think…I think it would kill me too. I’ve never been a part of something like this before. I have my dad, and I used to have my mom, yes, but the love we have now, the friendships, the brotherhood…Rory…” I close my eyes, try to gather myself. I never had friends before them, these kinds of bonds and deep connections.
Doing homework with Rory runs through my head, joking with Tiernan about the mini mob, bonding with Aislin, Dean checking in on me and sharing meals with me, the little ways he tries to deepen our friendship. Hell, even the discussion with Conan tonight. “They mean something to me too. They’re my family as well, and I want…I want to be a part of them in my own, much safer, non-murdery way.”
He gives me a small chuckle, then sobers. “I don’t want you to do it all for me. I want you to know I would make sacrifices for you too.”
“Do you think I don’t know that? Because I do. Jesus, Cillian. There’s no doubt in my mind that I could ask you to do anything for me and you would. But I don’t want you to do this unless it’s truly what you want.” And we both know it’s not.
“Your father—”
“Isn’t in a relationship with you.”
“What if you lose him because of me?”
“I never would. He would never do that.” I walk over to him, wrap my arms around his waist. “Can we make more decisions together, please? Can we talk about them?”
“What if they’re things you don’t want to hear about? You told me you don’t want to know what I do, but then you’re coming up with ideas to more efficiently launder money.”
I grin. “It was kind of fun.”
“Who needs to be serious now?”
I nod. He’s right. “I don’t have all the answers. I can see I’ve been a little confusing in how I’ve responded to things. All I know is I’m figuring this out as we go along. We’ll both have to. We’ll both make mistakes, and we’ll change our minds about things. We just have to be in it together. Are you in it with me?”
Cillian wraps his arms around me too, drops his forehead against mine. “I feel like I should be the one asking you that, but yes, I’m in everything with you. There’s nowhere I wouldn’t follow you. There’s no going back for me.”
