Page 179 of Ice Darling
I’m stuck there, remembering the way my sister’s eyes crystallized with hurt before she walked out of my life for the last time.
April calls later that night, and the moment she hears my voice, she insists I take tomorrow off, as well.
I fight her tooth and nail. Staying home, staring at these walls, is driving me absolutely insane.
But April banishes me from The Pink Garage for another twenty-four hours, and since she’s my boss, I tuck my tail between my legs and back off. I count the hours until my banishment is up, and the next day, I practically beg to return to work.
April senses my desperation and allows me to come back. However, things are not the same. My bosses coddle me, fuss over me, and remain in the garage for lunch to oversee me taking my medicine along with my food.
I appreciate their concern, but it’s a little embarrassing. What they don’t understand is that my body is fine. It’s my heart that has the problem.
Later, I drag myself home and fall into the couch again.
And again, I stare at the ceiling with no hope of sleep.
Around midnight, I pick up my phone and stare at the last text Renthrow sent me. The time stamp reads “one day ago.”
Twenty-four hours feels like an eternity.
I roll to my side and let my thoughts roam. Should I have told him the truth? Should I have told him that for the first time since my sister died, I saw myself having a family? Should I have told him I want to build a life with him and Gordie?
Everything I said to him—about not wanting to be a wife and mother was true…beforeI met him.
But now…
I shake my head. I care about Renthrow too much to drag him into the chaos with Ray. I know how important that future is to him. I know how important Gordie is to him. And Ray is so unpredictable. I can’t let him get close to them. I don’t know what he’ll do.
I lift my hand and remember the way Renthrow slid his thumb over my finger as if, in his dreams, I wore his ring. The night we met Brennon at the restaurant, Renthrow practically glowed when he talked about his dreams of having a big family and loud get-togethers during Christmas and holidays.
He deserves that. More than anyone.
Why am I suffering like this?
Feeling like I’m about to lose my mind, I get on my bike as I always do. It’s the only refuge I’ve ever known. I drive through Lucky Falls, trying to empty my mind.
At first, I don’t notice where I am.
Then I start recognizing familiar landmarks.
This is…Renthrow’s neighborhood.
Up ahead, Renthrow’s house rises in view. I squeeze the brakes and stop the bike abruptly. If I get any closer, Renthrow will hear my bike rumbling through the night.
I don’t want to disturb him.
I only want…
What? What is it that I want? Does it even matter? I can’t have what I want anyway, so it’s better not to want it in the first place.
I stare longingly at the house. Gordie’s probably asleep in her Hello Kitty pajamas. Renthrow’s probably watching one of his cooking videos as he prepares for the training camp at the stadium. Or maybe he’s doing meal prep for Gordie’s luxury lunch boxes.
I wish I could drop in and eat a meal with him. The best sleep I ever had was on Renthrow’s couch.
What are you doing, Cordelia?
Stalking. Stalking is what I’m doing.
Turning my bike around, I return to my cold, empty apartment and my tired little couch.
