Page 180 of Ice Darling
Chapter Sixty
Renthrow
Hockey used to be my refuge, but now, not even sprinting across the ice can take my mind off what Cordelia said.
I don’t want to be a mother.
This isn’t my first time hearing a woman say that, so why does it feel harder to move on from it?
I don’t want to be a mother.
I’m stuck in that garage, hearing those words over and over again. In the moment, I was gutted like someone slashed me across the stomach with a knife and all my intestines came spilling out.
Graphic, I know.
But the pain hasn’t gotten any better.
I’m angry.
Not at Cordelia but at myself.
I let myself get in too deep, dreaming of marriage, kids, the future I’d always wanted…with her. And again, I read the situation completely wrong.
At this point, I can’t blame the women I keep falling for.
It’s all on me.
Cordelia is within her rights to not want kids, but I can’t erase my daughter from existence. I wouldn’t want to even if I could. I’m a father first. Any woman who gets involved with me and Gordie would not only be a wife. They’d also automatically become a mother.
I can’t bring a woman who doesn’t want to be a mother around my child. No matter how much I lo—like Cordelia. It’s not going to happen.
This is my fault. I should have just kept my focus on Gordie. Why did I let Cordelia shake my concentration? Why did I put myself in this position again?
I sigh heavily and stare at the puck in front of me. It’s one black dot in a glaring sea of white. My arm feels as heavy as my heart. I take aim, but I know before the hockey stick even meets the puck that it’s a miss.
“That was ugly,” Chance says, skating beside me.
“What exactly were you aiming for?” Gunner asks, joining Chance.
I shake my head and skate to the second puck lined up in between the orange cones. The next shot hits the boards.
I played better when I was in high school. Heck, I’d probably play better blindfolded.
“Oof.” Chance makes a pained face.
Gunner cringes. “Are you okay, man? You’ve been out of it for two days.”
He’s right. Good thing hockey season is over. If I’d fallen for Cordelia during playoffs, I could have cost us all the trophy.
“I need a minute.” I skate off the ice and sit on the bench. The Hello Kitty water bottle that I filled up this morning is almost empty. After guzzling that down, I search my bag for more water.
I’m fresh out.
I leave the rink area, so I can fill up at the water fountain by the bathrooms. I have my Hello Kitty bottle stuck under thefaucet when someone steps out of the bathroom and flicks his hands.
I look up and recognize Nathan Campbell immediately.
The famous rookie freezes in his tracks when he sees me filling up the Hello Kitty bottle. I stare at him emotionlessly. If Cordelia hadn’t ripped my heart out of my chest two days ago, I’d offer him a greeting.
