Page 205 of Ice Darling
“Is Delia going to be my mommy?” Gordie shrieks in glee.
I wince. “Pumpkin, Cordelia is…”
My mind goes blank. Then I remember what Cordelia called me in the garage and latch onto that.
“…She’s a special friend.”
“I want Delia to be my mommy,” Gordie insists.
This isn’t going over well. Cordelia was clear about her lack of interest in being a wife and a mother. Though I suspect that those fears come from Ray’s poisonous words, there’s a chance she really means it.
Under any other circumstances, that would have been the end of us. But I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve seen how Cordelia treats Gordie.
There’s not a doubt in my mind that she puts my daughter first. Though she doesn’t want to be called a mother, she’s there for Gordie in a way that my ex isn’t.
A person should be judged by their actions. And despite Cordelia’s words, her actions say that she wants to be a part of our lives and would fit amazingly well with us—maybe not as a mother and not as a wife but… as the ‘special friend’ that we need.
Unfortunately, complicated adult matters are harder to translate to a child. If we have any shot of this working, I need Gordie to understand what a relationship between me and Cordelia would be like.
“Even though Cordelia would be around all the time, and we both like her very much, she’s…different than a mommy.”
“Why can’t Delia be my mommy?” Gordie demands.
“Because you already have a mommy, pumpkin.”
“But she’s nothere. She doesn’t love me. Delia’s here. Delia loves me.”
My eyes widen. “Just because your mommy isn’t here doesn’t mean—” A sudden thought enters my brain. Are Gordie’s withdrawal episodes tied to her mother? Why hasn’t it occurred to me before?
I lick my lips. “Gordie…are you sad because your mommy isn’t here?”
“I’m not sad.”
“Then are you angry?”
Gordie hesitates. And then she nods.
My fingers tighten on her arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She winces, and I realize I’m holding on too tight. Immediately, I release my hold. My throat thickens withemotions as I say, “Pumpkin, you know you can talk to Daddy about anything.”
Bottom lip trembling, she admits, “I didn’t want to make you sad.”
“You can never make me sad.” I pull my little girl into my arms, my heart shattering at how lonely she must have felt. “Can you tell me what you really feel about your mom?”
“I don’t like her,” Gordie mumbles.
I pull back, ready to scold her for it and remind her to respect her mother. Then I realize that this is the reason she kept it inside.
Gordie blinks. “You always tell me that Mommy loves me and she’s just busy. But everyone else has a mommy that’s busy. And their mommies are here. They don’t only speak to their mommies on the phone.”
My Adam’s apple bobs as I swallow.
“I don’t want to talk to Mommy on the phone anymore. I don’t like it. But if I tell you I don’t want to talk to her, you get sad. And you tell me that Mommy doesn’t call often, so I should talk to her.”
My eyes fill with tears. “I-I never meant to force you. I just… I didn’t want you to feel like you have to choose between Daddy or Mommy.”
Gordie’s turning the motorcycle around and around even faster. The toy that Cordelia casually gave to her is much like Chance’s fidget spinner, a reliever of her anxiety.
