Page 202 of Ice Darling
“Why are you scolding me?Everyonewas taking a break!” May protests as she’s carted off.
Rebel gives me a small smile and leaves too.
I get under the hood of a vehicle and try my best not to think about the video, but it lingers close to the surface. I’m a coward. Why is it so much easier for me to get on a motorcycle and drive at insane speeds on curvy, hilltop roads, but the thought of pressing “play” is terrifying?
After I lock up my tools and ride home, I set the phone on my coffee table and pace up and down.
“I can do this. I can do this,” I say, swinging my arms and doing a few bunny hops to psyche myself up.
At that moment, my phone lights up with a call.
It’s Ray’s number.
I stiffen, guilt shooting through my veins and tightening my chest. I pushed Renthrow away, knowing this day would come. But why is it so soon? Is Ray in Lucky Falls already?
The phone keeps ringing and ringing.
I know I should answer.
This is Ray, Gwen’s beloved husband. The man whose entire family was taken from him. I’ll never forget what he told me outside the church the day of the funeral.
“I don’t want you anywhere near them. I held her while she was crying over the way you treated her. I was there when she kept asking and asking for you, and you never came. You makeme sick! Get out of my sight. She wouldn’t want you at her funeral, and neither do I!”
His agony was palpable, and I imagine that it still is. Ray’s pain was like an icicle that shot out of him and impaled me. I know what he wants. To see me broken and tormented. To have me punished.
Back then, I believed I deserved punishment too. It wasn’t hard to run from Mom and the company. I was relieved to leave everything behind.
But something in me wants to fight this time. Something in me is asking questions.
Like…
Maybe I’mnotresponsible for Gwen’s death. Maybe I can breathe and live and love and have a family of my own. Maybe I deserve to.
You don’t have a right to forget.
The dark voice pushes at the hope that wants to grow inside me. I should answer the call and let Ray put me back in my place. Maybe being in Lucky Falls poisoned me. Just because time has passed and I’m healing from my grief, it doesn’t erase what I’ve done to Gwen.
The phone stops buzzing.
A text comes in.
I inch over to the device and check the screen.
Ray:I’m sorry for all the things I said to you. They weren’t true.
My eyebrows fly to the top of my hairline. I zoom into the text, wondering if I’m seeing it right. Then I check the number to make sure that it came from Ray. And then I flop back into the couch, trying to make sense of that cryptic message.
Another text comes in at that moment.
Ray: I won’t bother you again.
What on earth?
I scroll through the previous messages from Ray.
Ray: Every time I see your face it reminds me of her. I wish you’d leave.
Ray: I can’t bear the fact that you look so much like her. It’s killing me.
