Page 50 of The Bronze Garza
Back in Russia, when he was just a sexy stranger dwelling in my sexual fantasies, I would’ve let him have me.Thatway. As a Diamond Girl. A high-priced whore. Because that’s what those kind of men enjoy—captive, broken, helpless girls.
But the truth is out now and the fantasy is dead. He’s not one of those men. Everything about him had been fake. He gets to step out of character, leave it all behind in Russia’s chilly winds, and return to his normal life.
For me, not so much.
For me,allof it was real.
And all of it came back with me. In my head. I don’t get to just take a bow, walk off stage and be applauded for a job well done. WhatIget are nightmares and a life of dark secrets, secrets my future husband can never know if I ever want to get a shot at happiness.
So what business do I have feeling the way I do right now over this man? Audrey is allowed to touch him. She’s not defiled and sullied. Even if shedoeshave any such filthy, dark, disgusting secrets, he doesn’t know them. There’s nothing to turn him off from her.
Audrey has a chance. Heck, from the looks of it, she’shadher chance.
Me, I never will.
Not with him anyway.
No matter how much a deep,deeppart of me wishes that a chance with Torin Garza was a possibility.
~
“Are you okay?”
Torin’s question cuts through the fog of pitiful thoughts swirling around in my head.
We’re in the kitchen unpacking the groceries. After the supermarket, we went to the health store for multivitamins and protein powder then to the market for shark oil and fresh herbs. And I’d not said a word the entire time. Preoccupied with my own thoughts, I just trailed along.
Up until tonight, I’ve never pitied myself. Even with all that’s happened to me, low self-esteem or self-confidence just aren’t weaknesses that I associate with. But something about seeing Audrey with Torin earlier has triggered something in me. A realization of just how unfortunate I’ve become. I have it all. But at the same time, I have nothing at all.
“Huh?” I reply in answer to Torin.
“You’ve been monosyllabic for nearly two hours now,” he expounds as he stocks bottles of coconut water into the fridge. “Not used to you being so...quiet.”
“I thought you preferred me quiet.”
“Yeah, if that was your personality. But it isn’t,” he says. “So, it’s kinda freaking me out.”
Despite my mood, I smile, sliding him a glance. “Did you just use the term ‘freaking me out’?”
He shrugs. “See, that’s the kinda weird shit that happens when you aren’t being you. That’s how I freak out. By saying things like ‘freaking me out.’”
I can’t help giggling. “Please stop using the words ‘freak’ and ‘out’ together. It sounds so weird and...wrongcoming from you.”
“Only if you stop being so ‘freakishly’ quiet.”
“Okay, okay, fine. I’ll talk...” Except I can’t, because I’m too depressed right now to find words. “...starting tomorrow.” I scratch the side of my neck. “For now, I don’t feel too well, so I think I’m going to head upstairs.”
“Of course you aren’t feeling well. All you’ve had for the day is a smoothie,” he chastises, looking me over. “Surprised you’re still standing.”
“Trust me,” I say with a wave of my hand, “I can go days without eating now. Starvation was Igor’s favorite punishment for me. Start worrying only if I go past five days. I’ve never gone that long.”
He averts his gaze from me, jaw clenched.
See?Bring up the not-so-distant past and he can’t even look at me.
Forcing a smile, I pluck a banana off the bunch. “But, since I don’t want you to worry, or worse, call Daddy and tattle on me”—I grab an apple from the fruit bowl—“I’ll be sure to have these before bed.”
With a cauldron of misery roiling in my chest, I flash him another insincere smile before turning and leaving.
