Page 134 of The Crowned Garza
When he takes a step toward me, I throw a hand out to stop him. Not done yet. “What you said just now, about leaving me the freedom to enjoy my youth and the freedom to choose or whatever? In a way, I understand it. Maybe even appreciate it because Iwaswild, curious, and capricious. But I strongly believe there’s more to it than that. You choosing that route wasn’t ‘selfless,’ it was self-punishment. It was penance. If you’re truly honest with yourself, you’d admit that you allowed me ‘freedom’ because, deep down, you don’t believe you deserve anything good. Somewhere inside that pretty head of yours is your father’s voice telling you ugly lies about yourself. And you’re believing them.”
He jerks as if he’s been shot and takes a step back, but I ignore the umbrage on his face and push on. “You kept pushing me away not entirely for all the reasons you claim but also because you believed you didn’t deserve me. You believed you didn’t deserve my innocence, or my firsts, or to be the center of my focus and affection. How do I know? Because when someone believes theydeservesomething, they’re unapologetically selfish and demanding about it. There’s no holding back or being polite. You let me go because you don’t think you deserve pleasure, or happiness, or sweetness in your life. You just allow yourself to be this capable vessel that everyone uses for their own benefit. You punish yourself on purpose. Deny yourself on purpose. You’ve been constructing your own flaming purgatory.”
Keeping my eyes locked on his, I undauntedly jut my chin up. “But lemme tell you something, Saint. Youdeserveme. Youdeservelove. Youdeservehappiness. Youdeserverespect and appreciation. Youdeservepraise for the unbelievably impossible shit you do. Most importantly, youdeserveto be a fuckinghuman. You’re beautiful, a work of art. Wicked smart. Impressively skillful. Your brain is a masterpiece.Youare a masterpiece. Hearmywords and believe them, okay? Onlymywords. Anything else going on in that head of yours is a fuckinglie.”
Jaw clenched, he again turns and walks away from me.
And again, despite the panicked pounding in my chest, I don’t chase him.
A few feet off, he halts and hangs his head, staring down at the asphalt.
Eventually, he pivots and returns to me. Raw and vulnerable, butchoosingto stay.
With tentative steps, I close the gap between us and rest my palms on his chest. When he thankfully doesn’t push me away, I say, “If you’d claimed me from the very beginning, I have no doubt in my mind I would’ve submitted. I wholeheartedly believe I would’ve chosen you over and over till the bitter end. Because you’re so damneasyto love, Saint. There’s nothing I experienced out there that’s as exciting as you. Nothing I enjoyed exploring more than all the different sides of you. Nothing that makes my heart race and falter like you do. So no, I would’ve never ‘wondered,’ or ‘regretted.’ Because you’re a fuckingdream, Santo Luciani. You’re my dream.”
Locking my arms around his middle, I rest my head against his chest and wait. Giving him all the time he needs to hate me, then hopefully forgive me. But no space at all for him to storm off and leave me.
My words have undoubtedly struck several chords, but they needed to be said. I love him, and I want him to love himself, too.
We stand like that for a long, long time. But I’m not counting minutes. I’m at peace here. I could stand here all night. As long as he doesn’t try to leave me again.
At last, his chest expands and deflates with a heavy sigh, and then his arms are around me. “Only you,mia piccola regina,” he whispers in my hair. “Only you.”
“Promettimi?”
“Prometto.”
He walks me back against the car, pinning me, then cups my face and slams his mouth down on mine. He kisses me with the temperature off a brewing storm, with the gusto of an army after victory, with the torrential roar of rain after a long drought. He kisses me with every breath in his body, with every will in his veins. His kiss speaks a foreign dialect I somehow comprehend—I love you. I choose you. You’re mine.
When he finally breaks it, I’m robbed completely of breath, chest heaving, heart in overdrive.
“Come home with me,” he says in earnest.
I’d want nothing more than to spend the night wrapped up in him, fall asleep on his chest, but I shake my head. “Not a good idea. They’re gonna be watching me closely right now.”
“I’m the one who watches you,” he reminds me.
“Yeah, but on top of Reuben busting us yesterday, Enrique Rojas told Tripp that I’m dating a ‘dangerous psychopath’ and now he’s on some kind of war path to uncover who it is. I think Reuben’s gonna be watching you, and Tripp’s gonna be watching me. And yes, I say all this knowing you already know.”
His smile is light. “It was always just you and me in this,regina. No one else factored into it. Like I said, I was waiting for you. Not hiding from them, just giving you time. If you say you love me, say you’re ready for me, say you choose me, then I don’t care about anything else.”
Twisting my lips to the side, I scoff at myself. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this after years of me saying ‘let’s come clean’ andyousaying ‘wait,’ but…” Another disbelieving laugh at myself. “Let’s hold off for a little bit. Now’s just not a good time to tell them. Tripp is out for blood, especially with Sunny’s thing, and I think if we spring this on him, he’ll take it out on you. Let’s just wait until Sunny’s thing is dealt with and they’ve all cooled down. Everyone’s intensity levels are too heightened right now. And we gotta be cautious especially of Trent and Tripp. They tend to give in to their anger easily and go overboard with things. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
He takes a long time to think about it. Clearly unhappy with the idea of waiting any longer, if that scowl is anything to go by.
Well, he’s about to get a taste of what it’s been like for me.
“Fine,” he reluctantly acquiesces. “But we’ll have to devise a plan to see each other because I’m done being away from you.”
Words I’ve waited too long to hear. “Okay.”
He seizes my face and kisses me again. Fiercely. Soul-clinchingly. “If there’s anything at all you need,” he breathes when he rips his mouth from mine, “just let me know, okay?”
“You. I only need you.”
“You already have me. All of me.”
“Then I’m happy.” I tip up on my toes and touch my lips to his. “Buona notte,mio sogno.”
