Page 218 of Ruin Me With Lies
A horrified gasp flies out of her.
“Then,” I continue, “you’re going to put on the best fucking show of your life.A deeply remorseful mother determined to make amends with her daughter.I can’t promise I’ll play along, but I don’t mind being the villain.Maybe you’ll earn their sympathy from my unwillingness to forgive.”
I glance down at the tiny bundle of innocence in the bassinet, one pudgy fist curled under her chin.A smile sneaks across my lips.
“And for this little one, your miracle path to redemption?You’re going to be the picture-perfect mother.Loving on her out in the open, every chance you get.Holding her, guarding her, raising her right…never letting her out of your sight.Theyneed to see that.But most importantly, because shedeservesthat.You don’t deserve her, but you better make damn sure you earn her.”
My voice dips, stark and deadly.“I get a whiff ofanythingotherwise, and I’ll burn this whole damn organization to the fucking ground.And youbothknow…” I look from one to the other.“…I neversay‘I will’when I can’t.I always follow through.”
On that, I turn and start for the door.“I’ll be watching, Mom.”
“I do love you, Soraya,” she calls after me, voice unusually soft, cracked.
I stop, but don’t turn.
“You might not believe me, but it’s the truth,” she says.“It’s just that…you were smart and stable and attached to your father.You were fine.You wereperfect.But Sevyn was…defective.And I just felt like he needed me more.I thought…I thought if I gave everything I could to him, it would be enough to fix him.”She drops her head.“I’m sorry.Soverysorry for not protecting you, for neglecting you when you needed me the most.You have no idea how ashamed I am.Because I’ve experienced, endured, and survived that same pain.What Sevyn did to you was done to me a hundred times over when I was—”
“Honey, don’t,” Dad gently cuts in, soft and consoling.“Don’t go down that road.Please.You know what happens when you go back there.Stay here with me.Please.Stayright here.”
“I told you we shouldn’t keep them,” she chokes out, voice warped with emotion.“I told you I was too damaged to be a mother.I had nothing left to give to a child, let alone twins.Hetook it all.Stripped me and emptied me.Itoldyou and you didn’t listen.And now look.Look at the mess I’ve made of them.”
As an overly curious little girl with a bad habit of eavesdropping, I learned fragments of my mother’s past through whispers from the older Chairs.About how her entire family was massacred when she was a child.How she’d been spared and brought intoTHE O—which, back then, was still “The Organization,” a far darker, more sadistic and meaningless entity, built on cruelty for cruelty’s sake.
They said she was held captive.Trained to be an assassin.That unspeakable things were done to her.
But when I asked her about it, she denied everything.Called it “hogwash” and scolded me for listening to “gossipy old men.”Then she told me about a different childhood, one that was normal and boring.
Hearing her break down like this now…it seems it was all true.I’ve never heard her sound so…human.So broken and helpless.
Why didn’t she tell me?Why did she lie?Maybe I would have understood her better.If she’d told me she was too broken to be a good mother to me, I would’ve expected nothing of her and choose to love her anyway.
Sadly, it’s too late for me to care now.Too much damage done.There’s a chasm between us, and there’s no path to the other side for either of us.
“Soraya, please go,” Dad urges, anxious strain tightening his voice.
Gladly.
“No, wait,” Mom blurts.“Soraya, I will spend the rest of my life regretting how I’ve treated you.But you’re my daughter, my flesh and blood, and nothing will ever change that.I’ll do right by Mirabella, I swear.Even if it means giving it all up.”
We’ll see.I continue on to the door.
“Two things can be true at once,” she calls after me.“Yes, I had ulterior motives in making that agreement with Stefano.But Ialsobelieve the separation is necessary.That’s the difficulty with being both your mother and your opposition.It’s a constant, wobbly balance.Looking out for you, while also protecting myself.”
I pause at the door, but I don’t look back.
“As angry as you are with me, you know I’m right about this,” she goes on.“Don’t tell me nothing felt off about Stefano during that week at ThreeFours.Don’t tell me you never once questioned whether hetrulywanted this.I know what that doubt feels like, Soraya, because I’ve been there.With your father.Andhe’sthe one who convinced me into a life I didn’t even want.”
A jagged sigh.
“Just…take some time.Think it over before you go after him.Let him come to you first.And then you’ll know for sure if he’s really all in.You deserve someone who’sall in, Soraya.”
I walk out the door.
~
TWO HOURS LATER, at cruising altitude on my jet, I dip into the pocket of my hoodie and pull out the wrinkledPost-itI’ve been carrying around for the last five months.The note Stefano left on my espresso machine the day he left me.
Unfolding the soft, creased square, I reread the words for the umpteenth time:
