Page 46 of The Next Person You Meet in Heaven
Annie shook her head.
“A woman who went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. She was sixty-three. A widow. She was looking to make a name, to earn money for her old age. My grandmother used to say, ‘That old gal hadcourage.’ That’s what I wanted for you. Courage.”
Annie frowned. “I guess I didn’t live up to my billing, huh?”
Lorraine raised her eyebrows. “Oh, but you did.”
“Mom, please. I was the opposite of courage. I ran away. I lived in a basement. I got married for the wrong reason, had a child too soon, and couldn’t even do that right. I was useless for a long time.”
Her mother crossed her arms.
“And then?”
***
And then, the truth was, Annie found her footing. Her marriage to Walt was annulled after Walt claimed he was coerced by the pregnancy. Papers were signed. Walt asked for his sweatpants back.
Annie moved in with her Uncle Dennis. She stayed indoors for the first few months, lying in bed during the daylight hours. She mourned her baby. She mourned her mother. She mourned her lack of imagination about the future. What purpose could make her leave this room? Every idea seemed small, inconsequential. She was broken open.
But broken open is still open.
Winter turned to spring and spring approached summer. Annie began to get up earlier. From the window of her bedroom, she saw her uncle leaving for the hospital. She remembered when he first moved to Arizona; Annie was in junior high. She asked him why he left the East, where he had grown up. He said, “Your mother is my family.” Annie had wanted to say, “You’re kidding, right? You moved here forher?” But now she was glad he had. Who else would she have turned to?
At night, she heard her uncle talking to patients on the phone. He’d answer their questions calmly. Often, at the end, he would say, “That’s what I’m here for.” That made Annie proud. He was a good and decent man, and her admiration for him grew. In time, a seed took root in her mind.That’s what I’m here for.
One evening, she came down to the kitchen, where Dennis was watching a football game on a small TV.
“Hey,” he said, clicking off the set.
“Can I ask you something?” Annie said.
“Sure.”
“How hard is it to be a nurse?”
***
In the blue river of the afterlife, Lorraine cupped her hands and lifted water up, watching it pour through her fingers.
“This is your heaven?” Annie asked.
“Isn’t it beautiful? I wanted serenity, after all the conflict of my life. Here I enjoy a calm I never knew on earth.”
“And you’ve been waiting for me all this time?”
“What’s time between a mother and her daughter? Never too much, never enough.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“We fought a lot.”
“I know.” She took Annie’s left hand and guided it into the water. “But is that all you remember?”
Annie felt her fingers floating and her mind doing the same. In the water’s reflection she saw only loving scenes from her childhood, countless memories, her mother kissing her good night, unwrapping a new toy, plopping whipped cream onto pancakes, putting Annie on her first bicycle, stitching a ripped dress, sharing a tube of lipstick, pushing a button to Annie’s favorite radio station. It was as if someone unlocked a vault and all these fond recollections could be examined at once.
“Why didn’t I feel this before?” she whispered.
