Page 142 of The Dead Ex
No one realizes what hard work it is in prison, do they? The responsibility. The stress. If something goes wrong, the staff are always the first in the firing line. It’s hard to relax – remember how we talked about that too? It was OK for junior officers who could let their hair down but we had to keep our dignity. No snogging some random bloke for us at the socials. Not much pay either. I got less than you – something you didn’t seem to remember when it was my turn to pay for the rounds. I needed to make a bit on the side.
But then I began to get too bold. That mobile that the prisoner was found with? He said I gave it to him, but your loyalty to me meant you didn’t believe him. He got shipped out for that. The drugs which that woman on C wing got? That was me too. Still you didn’t guess. I needed extra money by then to fuel my own habit. That’s right. I took drugs too. Loads of us did. It was the only way to handle the stress. But not you. Oh no. You were too good for that.
Then you fell in love and got promoted to governor – a job I could only dream of. Of course, I’d always known you’d go far. Why else do you think I worked hard at being your friend? I hoped it would rub off on me and you’d take me with you to the next job – which you did. But it was your relationship with David that I was really jealous of. You came back so vibrant from those days off with him. So different. I wanted a piece of that too. Who was this man, I used to wonder.
When you finally introduced me, I felt an electric shock right through me. He was gorgeous. Not only that but clever and interesting. I couldn’t believe it when you asked me to give you away. Such an honour! Yet at the same time, I was seething. Why couldn’t I have a man like David?
But it was the ‘bad boy’ bit underneath the charm that I was really drawn to. The bit you never saw. How had you got someone like that? Then I realized. He wanted you for your position. That’s what he told me later. His work was ‘complicated’. Close to the legal line. If he was married to a prison governor, he’d be under less suspicion.
He didn’t fancy you. He told me that too. He fancied me. I’d known that from the moment he held my hand during the dancing at your wedding reception. The touch of his thumb stroking my skin made me melt. When we came off the floor, he put his hand briefly in the small of my back. Anyone else might think he was guiding me through the other guests. But I knew it was deliberate.
It was soon after your honeymoon that he called me. We started seeing each other on the quiet. Did I feel guilty? I should have done. But I wanted what you had. When you got pregnant, I could barely hide my disappointment.
Then came my break. David was furious because you wouldn’t sign those deeds. ‘What’s the point of marrying the prison governor if she can’t be useful?’ he kept saying. ‘If she’s going to be like this, I’ve got no use for her.’
Then he started talking about leaving you for me. I felt flattered. Excited. And in love. I soothed him when he came to me stressed because of ‘stuff at work’. He said I was the ‘only one who understood’.
‘Vicki’s really getting on my nerves,’ he said during one of our stolen nights in a motel halfway between the prison and his London place. ‘I thought that being pregnant might make her more loyal, but if anything, she’s become more of a stickler for the rules than before. I should be with you – not her. Sometimes I just wish she was dead.’
A scared but excited thrill shot through me. Prisons were dangerous places. We all knew that. It’s what made them so addictive. Supposing you had an accident?
It was wrong. I know that. But you had the man I wanted. And you were expecting his baby. When you said you’d do outside exercise duty that day, I seized my chance. I always thought it was crazy, having a snooker table in the rest area, but you didn’t listen. Remember? You said the women needed their leisure time and that you ‘trusted’ them.
It only took a few tenners to convince a friend to switch off the lights at the crucial point. And it wasn’t difficult in the dark to grab a ball, put it in a prison regulation sock and hit you with it. All I had to do was sprint upstairs and plant it in one of the troublemakers’ cells. Zelda Darling was the obvious candidate – she was jealous of your baby after her own had been taken away. That big bust-up that the two of you had just before the ‘power strike’ made her look even guiltier. Afterwards, I stole a prison key chain from your locker and planted it in your box of possessions when you left, along with a nicked mobile, hoping you might get into trouble over it somehow. I was livid because David was with you still. I laughed when I realized they were using it to implicate you in Tanya’s murder. Fate was on my side.
But then it all went wrong. I thought he’d be pleased when I told him that I was the one who had hit you. Hadn’t he said that he’d wished you were dead? He’d clearly encouraged me. But he denied it, saying that I’d killed his baby boy. He insisted we couldn’t risk seeing each other for a bit until it all died down. Then he did what I’d always wanted him to do. He left you. But not for me – for Tanya.
I couldn’t believe it. But David soon realized his mistake. Not long after they got married, he rang to say he missed me. The sex, he said, was ‘boring’. He wanted his ‘bad girl Jackie’. So we went back to our old routine: meeting up every now and then when we could both get away.
This time, I didn’t nag him about commitment. I bided my time. I’d wait for years if necessary.
But then he went missing. I was terrified in case the police linked us and came knocking at my door. And I was scared in case something terrible had happened to him.
When David turned up again at the trial, I was so relieved. I ran up to him outside the court and flung my arms around him. But he pushed me away, declaring he didn’t want anything to do with me. He said he’d changed and that he wanted to go straight now.
I returned to my flat, my heart broken. My fiftieth birthday was approaching, and I still didn’t have anyone. Just the prison, which had become my life. And an ex whom I couldn’t get out of my head.
I’ve tried calling David so many times. But he never answers. And now I know. He just wanted me when I had something he needed.
So this is my final act of revenge. It’s not an apology. I want that man behind bars. And I know you can put him there. Goodbye.
I read the letter over again, still in shock. My friend and colleague. David’s lover. David’s dead ex. My baby’s killer.
And then I reread the first letter from my solicitor. The bit where she tells me that David has been arrested.
64
Helen
2 January 2019
‘Do you work here?’ asks the scared-looking kid with a torn brown rucksack on her back.
‘Yes.’ That’s right, I sing inside my head. I’ve got a job in a hostel where I once scrubbed the shit off the walls. It’s a bit cleaner now, though. New management. They were looking for staff and they didn’t seem to mind at the interview when I told them I was a single mother. Themost amazing thing that’s ever happened to me! Now I’m in charge of kids like this one.
‘May I help you?’ I continue out loud.
She shifts nervously from foot to foot, eyeing the baby in my arms. (I’d just been feeding her. My daughter’s appetite is, it seems, insatiable.) ‘I need somewhere to stay. Social Services suggested I came here.’
