Page 96 of The Stranger in Room Six
My eyes swim with tears.
‘I miss Gerald too,’ I say. ‘I loved him, in my own way …’
‘In your own way?’ He stares at me with clear disgust. ‘You showed whatthatwas all right.’ Then he gets up. ‘I’ve nothing else to say to you.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘Please wait. Please tell the girls that I miss them.’
Elspeth already knows this but I want to reinforce this message to both of them.
‘You should have thought about that before you sent my brother to his death.’
Clearly he’s forgotten his previous words about knowing I hadn’t meant to kill Gerald. Suddenly, I feel furious with this man who has had it so easy in life.
‘Do you know what it’s like,’ I burst out, ‘to discover thatthe man you’ve been married to for years has been cheating and has a child with someone else?’
His eyes flash. ‘It still doesn’t give you permission to murder him.’
‘I told you. I didn’t mean to.’
‘I’m beginning to wonder now. It would have been convenient to get him out of the way, wouldn’t it?’
‘I just lost my temper!’
‘Just?’ His sarcasm is as deadly as any knife. ‘You know, Belinda, in some ways I feel sorry for you. You were never right for my brother. My parents always said so.’
I feel gutted inside. ‘Why?’
‘There was something about you that was different.’
‘Isn’t there something different about all of us?’ I retort. ‘What about your marriage? Is it perfect? Can you be certain that your wife has never betrayed you?’
‘That’s it.’ He stands up. ‘I’m going. You’re a bad woman, Belinda. You deserve to be in here.’
‘Wait! Elspeth says she’s coming to see me next month. Could you ask Gillian to come too?’
I’m begging a man who hates me but I’ll try anything to see my elder daughter.
‘Are you joking? As I said, this is no place for them.’
I watch him looking around at the noise and the anger and the tears. The sobs punctuated by desperation. The snatches of conversation: ‘The children miss you’, ‘How are we going to pay the rent?’, ‘When can I see you again?’
Then he turns back to me. ‘I reckon the police are watching us because you’ve done something to one of the other prisoners that means our family is under threat.’
‘Let me explain,’ I start to say.
But Derek has already walked out.
That evening, I call both girls on their mobiles. There’s a dead sound from Gillian’s. Has she changed her number?
Elspeth’s goes through to voicemail again.
I go back into my cell and weep. But I have to pull myself together, I’m on Listener duty this evening.
Tonight’s conversation is with a woman whose son won’t visit because he’s ashamed of her. The irony is so sharp that I almost tell her about my situation.
‘That must be hard,’ I say instead. Then I let her talk. That’s what all this is about, really. Helping someone release everything inside.
Afterwards, the chaplain tells me I’ve done a good job. ‘In fact, I’d like you to join a recruiting programme to help more people become Listeners.’
