Page 3 of Fix Them Up
‘Well, exactly. I’d prefer somewhere a bit closer to work…’
Willa’s nose wrinkled. ‘And somewherefun.’
‘Hey! Reading isn’t so bad.’ Willa raised an eyebrow. ‘But, yeah. I’d prefer somewhere in London, but it’s so fucking expensive, Wills. And I spoke to the estate agent in Everly Heath, and they said if I do some work on the house, it will go for loads more.’ I waved a hand. ‘Something about it being great for new families. Especially with the size of the garden.’ My voice picked up speed. ‘So I thought I could renovate it. I’ve always loved the idea of a fixer-upper and this is probably my only opportunity.’
I left out that I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. I left out that sometimes I wondered if I’d ever get over it – get over Dad’s death and the mess I’d made at the funeral. I left out that I thought it might give me some closure, some peace.
‘Okay.’ Willa looked away, nodding. ‘I’m giving you extended compassionate leave. I can’t afford to pay you for it, but your job will be here when you get back.’
‘What?’ The blood drained from my face. ‘No, no, it’s fine. I don’t need it. It’s a stupid idea. I can’t just uproot my life.’
Willa rose and sat in the chair next to me. She grabbed my hands – a rare moment of physical touch from Willa.
‘You know I love you.’
I tried to pull my hands back. ‘Stop being mushy. It’s freaking me out.’
‘Shut up.’ She squeezed my hands. ‘You need to hear this. Since the funeral, you’ve been crap. I know that sounds harsh, but youhave. I wanted to give you time to process and grieve, but it’s been months, and you aren’t yourself. And I know grief doesn’t go away, not completely. But it does get better. Slowly. But in the last few weeks…’ Willa paused. ‘You’re coming into work more and more pale. You look drained. You aren’t the usual you.’
I opened my mouth to object, but nothing came out.
‘I wouldn’t expect you to be fine. But I also wouldn’t expect you to be getting worse. I can see you ignoring it and trying to push on. You need time off. Especially after what happened at the funeral –’
Embarrassment flashed hot, ‘I’m fine. I’ll pull myself together. I know you need all hands on deck –’
‘Renovate the bloody house, will you?’ Willa snapped, pointed at me. ‘I’ve seen your Pinterest boards. They aren’t listed as private, you know. I know what you’re like when you have an itch to scratch, especially when it’s something creative. That’s why we need you here. Clients love it. Sodothe bloody thing and come back. I’ll give you two months. Then I need you back and focused. We’re planning to pitch to some big clients, and I need everyone with their heads in the game, okay?’
Willa patted my hand and panic pressed down in my chest. I stood up, as Willa sat back down into her office chair.
‘This is unnecessary. I don’t even want to go. It rainsconstantly. It’s not like I’ve any friends up there. I barely know my family. It’s ridiculous. And Mum would spit feathers –’
‘I’ll say this as gently as possible because it’s what you need to hear. And because we have no HR.Stoplistening to your mum. You are strong and capable, but the more you listen to your mum –’ Willa exhaled. ‘Look, I like Paula. Mainly because she likes me.’
Mum approved of Willa almost immediately when she saw how accomplished she was.A business owner and so young!Mum had gushed.
Willa pointed a manicured finger. ‘You don’t take risks when you listen to her. You get scared. Go and do the damn thing.’
Willa made it sound so simple, but she was right about one thing. I didn’t take risks like this. Mum hadn’t needed my diagnosis to train my impulsivity out of me. If I were a boy, my ADHD would probably have been endearing. I would have run around. I would have fidgeted a lot. I would have been disruptive in class, maybe – an endearing nuisance.
But as a girl, it wasn’t so cute.
As a girl, it was repetitive thinking, daydreaming and anxiety. It was all in my head. It was constantly forgetting things and letting people down, especially as I was diagnosed late and had been forced to mask my symptoms.
‘It’s not that simple,’ I said uselessly.
‘It is now. ’Cos you’re fired.’ Willa smiled like she was giving me a gift. ‘I’ve seen your plans. You have an eye for this stuff, Kat. Trust yourself.’
Chapter Two
Our breaths were visible in front of us at each exhale. Mum and I were halfway through the four-mile trek across the Chilterns. We were wrapped up from head to toe, the cold February air making my nose cold. The Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty had a handful of familiar walks we’d taken as a family. With my dad as a kid and later with Graham when I was a surly teenager. But as men came and went, Mum and I walked these routes on Saturday mornings.
It was a special place for us.
Or at least Mum’s favourite place. She loved the rolling green hills, the otters she’d manage to spot in the rivers, and bird-watching with Graham at the weekend.
I hated the outdoors but never had the heart to break it to her. I didn’t want to lose this rare connection. And I didn’t want to be lectured about my health and London’s pollution.
I chose the Chilterns, with their beautiful surroundings and uninterrupted countryside views, to break the news to my mother. On the train over, I’d repeated the story to myself. I was moving up north to renovate Dad’s house, whether I liked it or not. After our chat last week, Willa had given me the rest of the week to get my shit in order. Hand over to Clara and Kieran. By now, Willa would have revoked my access to the office. I had no choice but to go forward with the plan. She would have made it that way on purpose.
