Page 118 of Fix Them Up
Mum’s eyes shifted over our clothes again.
‘I just— I came around this morning to discuss more details about the house. Invoices, etcetera.’
Liam’s shoulders tensed at my words. Mum ignored my defence anyway. I deflated. I’d shown my cowardice for nothing.
Mum crossed her arms. ‘I had to find out from Brian and Sandra. They looked at me like I was a terrible mother for not knowing where you were. Why didn’t you tell me, Katherine? I told you this was a mistake. It’s a money pit. Your father had some grand plans about renovating the place, but it was a misplaced rose-tinted view of his childhood.’ She shook her head. ‘And, of course, he had to drag you into it. Even from beyond the grave.’
‘This wasn’t for him. It’s for me. So I can get some closure.’
Mum scoffed. ‘This wasn’t going to give you any closure. Selling it and being rid of it would have given you closure. Trust me. There was no need to come up here and dig everything back up.’ She sneered at ‘up here’. ‘You need to put the house on the market and come back home. I’ve heard from Willa that she’s struggling at work, and you’ve taken off and left her in the lurch. They might be selling – closing for good. What will you do for work then?’ Mum pressed. ‘You need to think about your future, and trust me, it won’t be up here. Really, Katherine. Use your brain.’
Liam stepped forward, the warmth of his body behind me. He leaned his arms above me on the door frame. ‘Do not speak to her like that. Not in my house, not ever. If you’d let her get one word in edgeways, maybe she’d explain why she is here. And exactlywhyshe felt she needed to keep it from you. Amongst otherrevelations.’ Liam levelled my mum with a knowing look, and alarm filled her expression.
‘Liam,’ I said, warning him, and I could see regret flood his features. His chest was heaving. I could tell he was ready to throw more words at my mother.
This was my battle, not his.
Mum turned to me. ‘What is he talking about, Katherine?’ She asked Liam, ‘Would you give us some space, please?’
‘Mum,’ I warned. ‘This is his house.’
‘I’ll go,’ he said, his touch lingering on my shoulder. ‘I’ll make us some breakfast.’
‘Well, he’s a delight,’ Mum announced after Liam was out of earshot. ‘You know how to pick them, Kat. I mean, a builder, really? And one that is quick to anger, at that.’
I closed my eyes. ‘Why do you have to do that?’
‘What? Question your romantic choices. I’m your mother.’
I clasped the door. Out of anger or for support, I wasn’t sure. ‘You put me down, Mum. It makes me question myself. I’m anadult. I’m twenty-seven years old, for god’s sake. Don’t you think I can make my own decisions?’
My mother’s cheeks coloured, flustered. She wasn’t used to me using my voice. She wasn’t used to me pushing back. I’d heard so many sharp remarks and put-downs from her mouth. Had Graham not played the peacekeeper, I think I would have pushed back a lot sooner. There were only so many sharp words and looks that someone could take.
And Graham wasn’t here now.
Mum scoffed. ‘I don’t put you down. I want to make sure you make the right choices. When you were little, you were so lost –’
‘Yes, I know I was. But I’m not little anymore. You can’t use my disability to defend how you treat me, Mum.’ I got straight to the point. ‘Did you ask Dad not to see me anymore? When I was younger?’
Mum’s eyes widened. Her mouth was a perfect ‘O’.
And that’s all I needed. I knew then it was true. I closed my eyes again, a deep-rooted disappointment anchored in my chest. It hurt.
Mum jumped into defensive mode. ‘Is all of this about your father? Really, Katherine. He was unstable. Flighty. Unpredictable. He’d never come to your parents’ evenings or ballet recitals, even when I reminded him. He took off, and you needed a dad who could be there. Not let you down.’
My nose and eyes burned. She was right. But she was also wrong to have pushed him away. And I was stuck in the middle, living the realities of their failures. My dad hadn’t owned up to his. He hadn’t had time. But my mum could.
I sighed. ‘Dad was unpredictable, yes. But you pushed him away, Mum. You made it worse. Can’t you see that? How and when I wanted to have a relationship with Dad – that was my choice to make.’
‘It’s not that simple when you’re a mother, Katherine –’
‘My name is Kat,’ I barked. ‘Everyone calls me Kat. I’ve been Kat since I was a kid, and I know you know that.’ My breath was heaving now. I’d never raised my voice like that. I squeezed my eyes shut. ‘I know I struggled at school and all that uncertainty when you were already a single mum juggling a lot. I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes. But the choice has been taken from me twice now. Because he’s gone.’
The last word choked out of me.
I thought about my dad at his lowest. He was not able to reach out for help, even from his brother. I thought of Brian’s strained, worried face when he told me how low he’d been, and my heartbroken dad wasn’t able to pull himself out of it. But I was heartbroken for myself because I was the one who lost out. I lost Dad and was left picking up the shards of our relationship. The broken memories and promises cut my hands and made me bleed.
And now it was all coming out, flowing strong.
